


Make Me Love Me as I Should

by Blacklace



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Angst, Costume Kink, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Going to Hell, Idiots in Love, M/M, Memories, Minor Violence, Richard/Christoph is the main pairing, Slow Burn, hints of D/s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-05-14 18:12:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5753290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blacklace/pseuds/Blacklace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's their usual party night. Richard is down on his knees and he wears his favorite French maid costume. Christoph hates party nights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My usual followers - I am deeply sorry.  
> But this thing here has been stuck in my head for weeks now. And I really wanted to get it out, so here it is. Hope you'll enjoy it <3

Richard sank down on his knees. Hesitation long since gone from his face.

There was flush of alcohol rising high on his cheeks, the skirt of his dress too short. It barely covered anything. He clutched the fabric in his hands and pulled it down in an effort to make himself look more appropriate. But the skirt rode back up the second he let go of it.

Christoph turned his head from the sight in front of him. He had seen this show enough times to know where this was going. It would end in bruises and tears. There was nothing nice about it.

Richard knelt on the floor in between Till’s legs with his best innocent face put on display. Everyone knew it was just an act and it made them laugh. Their snickering made the room ring and it left Christoph with a spinning headache. He poured himself a shot of vodka to wash the prodding pain down. It didn’t help. He hated party nights. _At least we are stocked well on alcohol_ , he thought.

As he continued drinking, Christoph overheard Till say something about Richard’s pretty mouth being put to a better use. His stomach turned at that. But their singer was always the first Richard pleased. _Maybe because when Till gets drunk, he makes him do some nasty things,_ Christoph concluded.

“Such a pretty cunt, aren’t you?” Till cooed.

From his place on the floor, Richard keened to the praise. He leaned his head into the touch on his cheek and closed his eyes. That single motion stripped his features of any emotions. He was giving himself up. Giving up his precious control that he guarded during the day. Now it was time to let the others decide his fate.

Christoph saw Richard’s shoulders relax, as if the weight of the power fell down from him. The drummer never understood how this could be the same person. The same Richard who would throw a temper tantrum if things didn’t go his way. That same person was now at their mercy, kneeling down on the floor in a cheap costume and taking orders. Everything about him screamed lust and submission. Richard was willing to be forced around, waiting for them to abuse him and toy with his body. He wanted it. And Christoph never understood why.

And the worst part? Deep down he enjoyed what he saw. Even when he had been convinced he was disgusted by the treatment Richard received, his body decided otherwise. _Traitor._

The room fell silent for a while, interrupted only by the noise of Till undoing his jeans. Yeah, Christoph definitely didn’t need to see that. He looked at the bottom of his empty glass and sighed. He better gets wasted fast. It was better to be numb when the real shit would go down.

He poured himself another shot of vodka when he saw somebody approach from the corner of his eye.

“Not enjoying yourself, Schneider?” Paul asked and slumped down on the couch next to him.

“Nah, have a headache coming,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, aware of his own lie.

He hoped it would be enough of an excuse as of why he wasn’t laughing along and tormenting Richard like the others. They weren’t even in the middle of the tour and he was already running out of excuses. They wanted him in on the game. And no wasn’t an answer for them.

He hated watching Richard like that. Disgraced. Abused by rough hands and treated like nothing more than a party favor. He deserved so much more, in Christoph’s opinion. Not the bruises the others inevitably left on his skin. How Richard could stand it, was beyond Christoph. He knew that sometimes Richard faltered in his steps. His self-esteem could be pretty low at times, even as bizarre as it sounds. And Christoph knew the man would sell his soul for a praise. _But was it really worth it, Richard?_

“Heard that, Reesh?” Paul laughed, spilling some of his drink on Christoph. “Crissy is not feeling well. Why don’t you get your pretty ass over here and kiss it better?”

“Not now,” Till interrupted. “He’s busy,” he gave Paul a grin that twisted something within Christoph. “Aren’t you, little girl?” he looked down at Richard who was trying not to gag when Till pushed his head further down on his cock.

Christoph knew it would be bad that night. When Till used pet names for Richard, he tended to be violent. And he knew that Richard would do nothing to stop him. He never had. And he wouldn’t let Christoph help him, either. He pushed him away whenever he showed even the slightest sign of empathy.

_But back to the party._

Richard was wearing the French maid costume. He seemed to favor it the most from all his other kinky get-ups he wore for their entertainment. From where Christoph was sitting, he saw the white frills of Richard’s underwear. The panties were much similar to those “his girl” wore in the Pussy video. As if Richard could sense his stare, he spread his knees further apart on the floor and pushed his ass up, causing the skirt to reveal new bits of skin. Paul was the first to lay a smack on Richard’s perfect ass, causing him to jerk in surprise and then moan over the cock stuffed in his mouth. Paul repeated the motion several times until the soft skin of Richard’s ass turned pink. Satisfied with his work, he poured whatever the hell he was drinking over Richard’s ass and licked it eagerly off of his skin.

It was only a matter of time when Paul would grow bored and decided that he wanted to get Richard’s panties down.

Christoph always thought that Richard looked rather delicious in dress. It accentuated his chest and long legs in a way that put naughty pictures in one’s mind. It sparkled desires and dirty fantasies. Christoph saw how the show of flesh could turn his friends into animals. There was something about Richard’s behavior that set the primal urges off in them. They wanted to take. Conquer. Fuck. Leave their marks all over his skin and force him to take it.

But it never was like that for Christoph. Seeing his friends with Richard made him want to be the opposite. But he could be honest with himself, too. He knew that there was a small part of himself that wanted to do exactly the same. Push Richard into his lap and make him take it, see the pleasure mixed with pain in his blue eyes. He wanted to make him moan, leave his fingerprints all over the smooth skin, so the whole world would know what Richard did last night and who he belonged to. In a way, he was no better than his friends. But he still thought that he could treat Richard the way he really deserved – with respect.

The evening barely started and Christoph already felt like throwing up. But he couldn’t leave now, could he? This was _their_ evening. A celebration of another great show behind them. The band would drink and have fun like any other time. Maybe break a thing or two in their drunken haze. Until Richard would disappear in the middle of it all and return much later. Dressed in one of his costumes, his make-up and hair done with precise care. It was a thing the band did together, however twisted and sick it was.

As an unspoken rule, nobody could leave the party once the main course arrived. It was the compulsory bonding ritual they adopted on the tour. And even if somebody didn’t want to participate for the night, the rest would make him watch.

Like now. Till was gripping Richard’s hair, so he couldn’t move. Leaving the guitarist choking on his cock. There were tears staining Richard’s face, ruining his eyeliner.

Christoph watched with disgust as other people – his friends and bandmates – got their hands upon Richard. They made him do nasty things and Richard let them. So happy that they praised him and payed attention to him. He was willing to please whoever rewarded him with a praise. His cheeks were tainted with a faint blush as the alcohol worked his system. Christoph thought it flattered his blue eyes nicely.

“Come here, pretty thing,” Olli said from behind Richard and stroked his back.

Richard was kneeling on all fours on the floor after Till came in his throat, waiting patiently for his next orders. Olli was holding a rope in his hands to tie Richard’s hands with it. The guitarist sensed what was ahead of him and made pleased noise at the praise he received.

“Yes, that’s it,” Olli soothed. “You are beautiful, aren’t you? You take your orders so well,” he said in a low voice and Richard kept whining.

The praises continued all the while Olli was tying Richard’s arms behind his back. Each wrist tied to an elbow, bounding his forearms together, so he could be dragged around easily. Olli liked to tie Richard up and take control. Sometimes he would pour hot wax on him while they fucked.

But the thing with Olli, well, he always asked Richard, whether he was okay with what he wanted, or not. Even now he was checking with Richard if the knots weren’t too tight and he was comfortable in the rope. Others often laughed at how careful Olli was. But Christoph couldn’t thank him enough for looking after Richard.

“Where are you going, Christoph?” Flake asked in not-so-friendly tone when the drummer stood up.

“Take a piss, what do you think, smartass?”

“Leave him be,” Paul said. “Crissy is on his period,” he added and fell into a fit of giggles.

Christoph shook his head and left the room to find the nearest bathroom. He wished it was over already. Seeing Richard sinking so low for bits of attention and acknowledgement made him sick. Every time he watched Richard give himself away, he saw the vacant look in his eyes. Like he wasn’t even there. Part of him was gone, somewhere far away in his own headspace.

He bent over the sink in the bathroom and splashed his face with cold water, ruining the last bits of make-up that dwelled on his face after the show. He could care less, but still made it a point to clean up the black smudged lines on his cheeks. Paul would notice and make fun of him for crying in the bathroom like a little girl.

When he opened the door to the party again, he wished he stayed at the bathroom a while longer.

Till was by Richard’s side, cutting at his flesh with a small knife. He was already bleeding on several other places. Although the cuts seemed to be shallow, they had to sting like a bitch. They almost managed to break Richard while he was gone. He could see the guitarist was pushing his own limits. There was blood smeared over his skin, dripping from the various cuts and scratches.

Richard was still tied up, the end of the rope held tightly in Olli’s hand. The bassist was fucking into Richard with hard, steady thrusts while Paul fucked his mouth and babbled about how perfect Richard’s lips were wrapped around his dick.

Richard could neither move, nor protest. Olli was pushing aside the skirt of his costume with one hand, enjoying the view of his round ass. Christoph saw the muscles in Richard’s back straining under the effort of keeping his body upwards without the use of his hands that were bound behind his back. He knew from experience that after a while his back muscles would cramp uncomfortably.

“Oh, just for the main event,” Paul laughed when he noticed Christoph standing in the door. “We were just talking about how Reesh here takes us so well. Don’t you, baby?” Paul cooed and run his fingers through Richard’s hair.

“Yeah, he does,” Christoph commented and walked over to his seat, taking an unfinished bottle of whisky with him. _Fuck it if I’m going to be hungover tomorrow._

“Why don’t you come here and try?” Till spoke up. “He’s already opened up and sloppy, just the way you like him,” he ran his hand up and down Richard’s back, dragging the skirt of his costume a little higher up for Christoph to see.

Despite his own disgust, Christoph felt his body reacting. The expanse of sweaty flesh and approving grunts made his cock stir in his pants. He sat more comfortably on the couch and watched as the others took care of what Richard needed. Somewhere in the far corner, Flake was watching the show with great pleasure. Hand down in his pants, grunting occasionally. Christoph pushed the fact away, not really wishing for such images to be stuck in his head.

“I don’t feel like putting up a show tonight,” Christoph said and took a swig from the bottle.

“You’re a pussy, Schneider,” Till shook his head with disgust. “Just admit it, you don’t know how to fuck this pretty cunt properly. The only reason why you never let us watch is because you don’t want to embarrass yourself.”

_Talk all you want. You won’t get to me._

“Like you said, Till,” Christoph smiled. “Some of us know how to fuck, others have to pretend it,” he paused and looked down at Richard, who was barely holding up. Olli eased away from him and tugged on his rope-bound forearms to make him kneel more upwards, just as Paul shot his load on Richard’s face.

Olli started undoing the knots and eased Richard’s hands, slowly massaging the life back into them. Olli was the kind one, he always took care of Richard afterwards. He knew, what he was doing, always making sure that Richard was consenting and enjoying what they did. But with the others? Christoph just wasn’t so sure.

Paul leaned closer to Richard while Olli was massaging his arms and started licking his face clean. He didn’t attempt to kiss him, as much as he obviously wanted to. He respected Richard’s only rule, which was no kissing. Richard tensed for a while, half-expecting Paul to kiss him.

After he was done, him and Ollie simply stood up and poured themselves drinks and continued in the party, as if nothing happened. Richard kept kneeling on the floor, aware that his shift wasn’t over quite yet. Till, who was next to him up until now, stood up. He towered over the guitarist with a smile that was feral. Christoph knew where that was going the moment he saw Till was taking his cock in his hand, and decided to put a stop to it before it was too late.

“Now if you’ll excuse me. I have something to finish,” he put his glass on the coffee table and stood from his spot on the couch. Christoph knew he was the last one to have a go.

He walked over to Richard and picked him up from the floor. He threw the smaller guitarist over his shoulder, one hand snugly resting over Richard’s thighs to keep him in place. No grace or manners in the gesture. He had to put on a show just as much as the others.

“Make me proud, Crissy,” Paul laughed. He was standing behind Christoph, presumably looking closely at Richard’s face. “Don’t break him too much. Reesh is too pretty to be broken. Aren’t you?” he petted Richard’s face where Christoph couldn’t see.

There was something bitter behind these words. Richard was already broken. They broke him. And like with a porcelain doll, you couldn’t very well fit the pieces back together.

Christoph walked out the room without another word. He didn’t need to hear anything else and neither did Richard.

He walked through the hotel corridors, not exactly sure where his room was. Last thing he needed was somebody from the hotel staff to see them like this. He could hardly talk himself out of this one.

Finally, he swiped the card through the lock and entered his room. Richard didn’t protest. Any other time he would be already kicking around and yelling at Christoph to take him to his room instead of the drummer’s. This made Christoph wary.

He lowered Richard on the edge of the bath tub. The man needed another shower. Dirty from the ruined make-up, stained with his own blood and covered with different kinds of bodily fluids, he was quite disgusting. Richard was as dirty as an old whore and it was a sad sight.

“I’m gonna run you a bath, are you okay with that?” it was the first time that evening that Christoph had spoken to him. He half-expected Richard to get mad and yell at him that he isn’t a fucking helpless baby.

But non of that happened. The answer was a simple nod. And it was all Christoph needed, after all.

He flipped the tap and let the steaming water fill the tub. They were lucky their manager booked them rooms in Sheraton. It didn’t happen often that they got the luxury of actual bath tubs in their rooms.

“Can I help you with the back?” Christoph asked. He tried to keep his voice casual, chose his words carefully. He didn’t want Richard to think he pities him or sees him as someone vulnerable or broken. He learned long ago how sensitive the guitarist was to these labels.

Richard nodded again and turned slightly, so Christoph could see the back of his costume. It was made from a simple corset, tied with a black ribbon. He undid the knot and wriggled the lacing free. He saw the red marks where Till pushed the costume aside and cut into the skin. There was one particularly nasty cut across Richard’s back that was still bleeding at one end. Christoph winced at the idea how it would sting in the hot water.

“Hey, uh…” Christoph started, but didn’t know how to finish. He didn’t want Richard to get mad, but had no clue how to approach the subject safely.

The black haired guitarist turned back and looked at Christoph. Blue eyes no longer vacant.

“Do you want my help getting the dress off or do you want me to leave you alone now?” he rubbed the back of his neck, feeling Richard’s gaze boring into him.

“You can go.”

Christoph did as he was told and didn’t question Richard’s decision. Before he closed the door, he told Richard he’s free to use whatever of his toiletries or towels he might need. When he was finally out of the bathroom, he rested against the door and let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your support. I'm so happy that you like this story, like you have no idea! <3  
> Here is more, hope you will be as satisfied :3 Feedback is appreciated!

In his waiting for Richard to be done, Christoph made himself comfortable on the bed. He sat against the wooden headboard, stuffing pillows behind his back. His mind was running a mile a minute. _This is the first time he allowed me to take care of him. I can’t fuck it up._

Whenever Christoph tried to help Richard before, it resulted in yelling and arguing. It was understandable, after all. Richard was a proud man, more than capable of taking care of himself. But Christoph was still missing the key element – why did Richard let him do this, in the first place? Was it because Richard was hurt real bad this time? Or did he just feel like giving Christoph what he wanted for so long?

The drummer rubbed a hand over his face. Too tired for the mental monologs. The show, the alcohol, the weight of the day caught up with him and he realized how tired he was. His eyelids became heavy, it was pointless to keep them open. He tried to fight the sleep off, but failed.

He dozed off somewhere between trying to figure out the color of Richard’s eyes and understanding his own feelings.

Christoph was woken up minutes later. With steady pressure on his lap and wet kisses trailing on his neck. Reality was coming to him in bits and pieces, until he made sense of what was happening. He had a full lap of very enthusiastic Richard. In a white bathing robe, hair still damp from the bath. Christoph’s first instinct was to wrap his arms around Richard, hold onto these perfect hips and press him closer.

He was rewarded with a pleased sigh against his neck. The guitarist was trying to make good on his behalf, grinding his ass down on Christoph’s crotch with expert pressure. He was placing open-mouthed kisses over the column of his neck, leaving little nibs and bites in his wake. His lips were scorching, he knew what he was doing. The small moans that escaped Richard’s lips every now and then turned Christoph on beyond anything. His hands travelled down and held onto Richard’s thighs firmly. Christoph was sure he’d leave bruises behind. It didn’t take long and he felt the first stirrings of erection pressing against his jeans. 

It made him feel guilty. _He has to think I dragged him here so I can fuck him_.

“Reesh, wait,” Christoph squeezed Richard’s hips gently and pushed him away a bit. “You don’t have to do this.”

The man in his lap refused to meet his eyes.

“Is it because you think I’m too dirty?” he asked in a small voice. _Oh no, please don’t be like this._

“I don’t think you’re dirty, Richard,” Christoph assured him and kept his voice low on purpose. “But I don’t think it’s right to force you to do this,” he kept rubbing circles with his thumbs over Richard’s hipbones while he spoke, hoping it would help convince his friend.

“You never want to do anything with me,” he muttered, almost hurt.

Christoph stopped rubbing the soothing circles and instead rested his hands possessively over Richard’s hips.

“Yes, you’re right. I don’t want to do anything with you,” Christoph said. “But only because I see how the others treat you. And I don’t want to be the same.”

Richard fell silent on his lap for a while and played with the too long sleeves of the bathing robe.

“Does this mean that if the circumstances were different, you would?” he asked slowly and looked up.

Christoph’s heart missed a beat.

He was positive that Richard just put on his best hurt face. His eyes were stupidly large and he kept batting his eyelashes. Christoph was screwed. _Why are your eyes so goddamn blue?_ He could never lie to such beauty. Especially not when said beauty was still straddling his hips and looked so delicious.

All Christoph could think about was how he wanted to put his lips all over Richard’s tanned skin. _Not good, Schneider, concentrate. Answer him._

“I mean, I… uh, the circumstances, they-,“ he stuttered and had to take a deep breath to start over. “I just don’t want to hurt you,” he finally said, all flustered under Richard’s gaze.

The guitarist’s lips quirked up. He was obviously amused by Christoph’s stuttering. He reached out and brushed away the stray hair from Christoph’s face. It felt familiar and good. Richard leaned in closer to him. The older man held his breath in anticipation.

“You aren’t hurting me, Christoph,” Richard whispered and brushed his lips against his cheek in a fleeting manner.

Christoph barely bit back a moan of frustration. _Damn tease._

Richard straightened back up and started to get off of Christoph. The drummer panicked. Did he do something wrong? Why is Richard leaving?

“W-wait!” he grabbed the lapels of Richard’s bathing robe and pulled him back down. As soon as he did it, he felt his cheeks burning. He was blushing pretty hard, aware of how greedy the gesture was.

It made the younger man laugh. Richard shook his head fondly and complied with Christoph’s wish.

“So, what is it you want, Chris?” he asked in his sweetest tone. Christoph could swear the bastard was flirting with him. Now it was his turn to avoid Richard’s eyes. He wished the floor could swallow him. He had to look so fucking greedy now! But all he wanted was for Richard to stay a little longer. _Just a little._

“Stay?”

“You want me to stay? Is that it?” Richard tilted his head to the side.

Christoph mustered all his courage and looked up to meet Richard’s gaze. His eyes were stupidly wide and bright. Richard held his stare and slowly placed his hands on the wooden headboard behind Christoph’s head. He bit his lower lip for show and grinded down on Christoph’s lap. The movement was light, meant to tease. But it still had an immediate effect on Christoph.

The drummer shut his eyes with the pleasure it caused. His mouth fell open. The whole room burned hot.

Richard repeated his movement, this time with little more pressure than before. He was testing how far would Christoph let him go. The drummer had to bite his tongue to stop the moan from escaping his lips.

“Tell me, Chris,” Richard murmured in his ear, the hot breath ghosting there and sending shivers down Christoph’s spine. He swung his hips again and made a show of letting his head fall back, exposing his neck. He keened quietly. His fingers let go of the headboard and they tangled in Christoph’s hair instead. The bathing robe started sliding from his shoulders. Christoph followed the movement hungrily with his eyes. He knew he was caught staring when Richard leaned back in with a smirk on his lips.

“Do you want me?” Richard murmured and licked the shell of his ear. Christoph was on the verge of insanity. He wanted to take Richard so badly. Show the damn tease that he can be good, too.

Christoph’s breathing was quick and shallow. He was fighting with himself. Part of him wanted to take what he thought was his. Part of him knew that it was a bad idea, because it would send the wrong message. _But god does Richard know how to move that ass of his._

“Reesh,” the drummer breathed out when the guitarist started kissing his neck again. _We haven’t been here more than half an hour and he already knows my weak spot._

Christoph let himself get lost in the pleasure he received. But knowing fully well he had to put a stop to it, he grabbed Richard’s hips and flipped them over. Leaving Richard trapped underneath him. That bastard looked like he just received the best fuck of his life. Cheeks flushed and out of breath, he looked better than he did after a show. He even had that stupid smile plastered on his face. As if that sight wasn’t enough, he put his hands behind his head, clutching on the headboard like a good boy. It was hard to leave him like that. His whole body screamed _fuck me_ and Christoph wanted to do just that.

 _Stupid alcohol is making me horny_ , Christoph swore in his head. He had Richard trapped under him, willing and spread out like the pretty slut he was. He lied there for Christoph to take. His eyes half-lidded and mouth slightly open. _Kruspe, you fucking tease, I swear._

Christoph leaned closer to the guitarist and pressed a soft kiss on his neck, then under his jawline and on his cheek. Richard hummed in approval. But Christoph knew he had to stop. This wasn’t right.

“I can’t,” he blurted out.

Richard jerked underneath him, his eyes suddenly wide with fear.

“What?”

“I… as much as I’d want to, I can’t,” Christoph said.

He knew he’d be kicking himself over it later, that he didn’t catch the chance when he had it. But he didn’t want Richard to think he only wanted sex.

“Why? Is it me?”

“No, it’s complicated,” Christoph sighed and closed his eyes. “I just don’t want to make things between us awkward,” he said and hoped that Richard would understand and let it go. They would have plenty of time to sort everything out later.

Richard nodded in acknowledgement and Christoph gave him a small smile. The drummer pushed himself up on the bed, Richard soon following his suit. They sat next to each other, the silence between them thick. Christoph listened to Richard’s breathing and he noticed the small hitches every couple seconds, as if the guitarist wanted to say something, but each time he stopped himself.

After the fifth time Christoph heard it, he turned his head over to his friend and rose an eyebrow at him. It took less than thirty seconds for Richard to crack.

“Alright, alright,” he threw his hands up and sighed. “I wanted to ask you… if I could spend the night?” he looked over at Christoph and looked genuinely sorry. Like a kicked puppy. White, fluffy puppy with a stubborn attitude that came to apologize when it had been kicked.

“Come on, Richard,” Christoph chuckled and pulled Richard into hug. “Sure you can stay for the night,” he added when he had the smaller man in his arms. The quiet laughter broke the awkward atmosphere between them and Christoph was praying that it would last.

Richard hid his face in the crook of his neck and refused to go for a long time. Christoph realized that he smelled like his shampoo and it made him feel weirdly affectionate of the smaller man. It was intimate, in a way. He held him a little closer and left a small kiss on the top of his head, content to have his friend close like that.

When they let go of each other, they agreed it was time to hit the bed. It was getting close to 4AM. They would need to get up at around 8 to catch up with breakfast and then pack their things to leave. They used to sleep less during their rebellious years, but the older they got, the harder it was to pull an all-nighter.

It took them just a couple more minutes to get ready for bed. Richard borrowed some clothes from Christoph that he could sleep in. Neither of them felt like making things more awkward. They shared beds many times before. There were times when they slept next to each other so often that they found it strange when the other was missing. _Good times_ , Christoph thought. Sometimes he missed how close he used to be to his band mates. Not that they weren’t close now. They knew each other better than they ever did. But they weren’t as close physically, avoiding hugs and sleeping too close to each other. They liked to keep their distance now.

It made Christoph wonder whether their party nights were some sort of weird relief from the pent up touch-deprivation they had. Of course, any of them could pick up a fan to get rid of the longing. But that never quite cut it. Faceless sex gets boring after a while. And when you travel around the world with five of your best friends, you start to miss the little things. Like play fights and falling asleep in a pile of limbs when everyone had to migrate to a different room because Till’s snoring was unbearable.

“What are you thinking about?” Richard asked when Christoph was sitting on the bed for several minutes without moving. Richard was already under the blankets and his eyes were drowsy. The lights were turned off and Christoph realized he didn’t even notice until now.

“Nothing,” he put on a smile and lied down next to Richard. “Just how we used to sleep next to each other. You know, when we all lived together?”

Richard laughed quietly. He shuffled closer to Christoph and rested his head on his chest, testing whether the drummer would allow it. When Christoph didn’t push him away, Richard cuddled him and got more comfortable, lying half on top of him. The guitarist purred, a pleased sigh escaping his lips. The solid weight of his body against Christoph’s was grounding.

“I remember,” he whispered. “There wasn’t much space. We couldn’t afford proper beds, so we kept the mattresses on the floor.”

It was back when they all lived in Berlin, short after the Wall came down. Christoph shared a tiny apartment with Paul and Flake. It wasn’t even their apartment, technically. It was abandoned and nobody cared that they squatted there. So the Wall was torn and when Richard had returned back from his short stay in the West, he was looking for a place to stay. Somehow they managed to fit him into their tiny apartment. Christoph used to sleep squeezed between Paul and Richard, if he remembered correctly.

“I could never move in that crammed space,” Christoph complained.

“Who talks about moving, I couldn’t even jerk off the whole time we lived in that place. You guys were always in the same room!” Richard laughed.

“That never stopped Paul,” the drummer reminded him

Richard groaned with disgust at the memory. “That man knows no shame. I remember how he would wait until we fell asleep. But I don’t think that any of us were ever asleep.”

“It was easy for you, you didn’t lie next to him,” Christoph shivered at the memory.

“Luckily for me, I got to sleep by your side,” Richard whispered. He got that teasing tone in his voice again, but Christoph thought it was rather cute, so he let it slip.

“God, you were so annoying in your sleep, Richard,” Christoph suddenly giggled. “You star-fished all the time. Used to kick me in your sleep, too,” he complained with a fake hurt tone.

What he didn’t mention, was how he used to wrap his arms around Richard, to stop him from kicking and flailing around. It had worked like magic. Anytime he snuggled the smaller man, he stopped trashing and relaxed to the hug. Looking back, that was probably the beginning of Christoph’s idiotic crush on Richard.

“I’m making up for it now, aren’t I?” Richard teased with a smile in his voice. “Promise, I don’t kick anymore in my sleep.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

They fell in comfortable silence and the sheets around them soon became warm and cozy. The tiredness of the day caught up with both of them. Christoph listened to Richard’s breathing again. It calmed him to know that he was sound and safe. He noticed, how shallow and even his breathing became. He smiled and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, feeling the well-worn cotton of his t-shirt under his fingertips. Richard purred, content as he was, and nuzzled closer to his chest.

“Thank you,” he heard Richard mutter in a quiet voice. He smiled and kissed the top of his head again.

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richard is the worst tease ever. Go ask Schneider.


	3. Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first flashback chapter that explains how it started. I'm not sure how many more flashbacks there will be, but expect at least one more, sometime in the future ;)  
> Also this chapter is a lot longer, thanks to the great inspiration I had. I'm sorry in advantage, that some events that happened in real life might be slightly different here, for the purposes of this story.  
> Please enjoy <3

It started out as a joke. Or so Christoph thought, anyway. After weeks of thinking about it, he had come to that conclusion.

The joke itself was indirect. Vague even, some might argue. Neither of them could have known what it would cause in the future. Yet Christoph was still beating himself over it. Had he known what that joke would cause in the future, he would’ve done something back then. Anything.

But it was too late to cry over the spilled milk now, wasn’t it?

He remembered the day it had all started. They were planning their next tour and everyone in the band took a week off. The time was meant to be spent together and just mingle. Come up with new ideas, maybe remember the good old times and get used to being around each other again.

Before their little get-together, each had gone their separate ways. Richard worked on new stuff for Emigrate, Olli was doing some hobo shit in the vast forests of Scandinavia. Till went fishing with his new buddy Peter and both Paul and Flake spent time with their families. As for Christoph, he tried to do something useful with his time. Regular yoga practices, for instance. Or reading some classical books he never really wanted to, but was curious why they were so famous.

So the break was over and the six of them stood outside a locked warehouse.

“Who brought the keys again?” Paul asked.

“I did,” Olli dangled the keys on his index fingers.

The weather was rather cold, autumn at its finest. The inside of the warehouse wouldn’t be much better. Christoph muffled himself up in the black coat he wore, prying the chills away. He hoped that someone had asked the security guards to turn the heat up. At least in the costume department where they would spend most of the time anyway.

Christoph was shaking with cold while Olli fought with the lock. He’d been feeling awfully cold for the past two or three weeks and couldn’t seem to shake it. Nothing was enough to warm his freezing fingers or get rid of the chills running over his body. No amount of warm clothes or hot showers. No amount of liquor. The cold was still there. Dwelling in his bones and rotting. But it wasn’t as if the cold was caused by a purely physical factor.

He was starving for human touch.

Sometimes he had an urge to go to the nearest bar. Pick up the first pretty face that recognized him and have his way. But to him sex was something he put a meaning to. He liked to know the person better before he fooled around. And that was the problem. He longed for someone to be there, for someone he knew. To just hold him and make the cold disappear.

“Come on, it’s going to rain soon,” Paul nagged him inside, snapping Christoph out of his mourning.

“Why exactly are we here?” he asked Paul quietly as they trailed behind the others. He didn’t exactly want anyone to hear his question. He knew they’d make fun of him for not listening again.

“Get through some of our old stuff, pick what we want use again for the upcoming tour… dunno, whatever you can think of,” Paul shrugged. The small wrinkles fanned out around his eyes when he smiled. He was amused by how clueless Christoph was, although he didn’t say a word.

“I hope they won’t try to get me into that Frau Schneider costume again,” he sighed.

“Did I hear Fräulein Schneider talking?” Till turned around and his laughter rolled like a thunder. The other guys soon followed. They all enjoyed laughing at Christoph’s expense.

“Shut up, Frau was a real hot piece,” Paul defended his friend, even though he was laughing along.

“Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t mind if she made appearance again,” Richard agreed. Christoph’s heart jumped a little at that. He always thought that Richard didn’t like the Frau. But before he could respond with something clever, Till beat him to it.

“Come on, you loved having us on a leash in that video, don’t deny it Schneider,” he clasped a hand over his shoulder.

There was probably no point in arguing with them, so Christoph just shrugged and let them do whatever they wanted.

The band walked through makeshift corridors between their stage gear and technical stuff they used for live shows. It was endless. They were getting to the part of the warehouse where their costumes were stored in a separate room. All fresh from the cleaner’s, patched-up and ready to be worn again.

They piled into the storage room one by one. To Christoph’s surprise the room was pleasantly warm. Someone left two portable heaters running in there. Probably their manager. He was a saint when it came to taking care of his wards.

“Look, Emu made us snacks and coffee,” Paul cheered and made his way over to the far table. It had about everything the band liked. Including coffee maker and freshly baked pretzels.

“Oh, and he even left us that unfinished set list we’ve been working on,” Olli smiled.

“Good, at least we will know what sort of stuff we are looking for,” Flake nodded next to him. “Coffee, anyone?”

“Yeah, I need one, please,” Richard called from somewhere behind the rack that said RZK.

After they took off their coats and made themselves comfortable, everyone went to their separate racks. There were clothes from different video shoots that nobody knew where else to put, their stage gear and even photoshoot outfits. Somebody took the time to line them up by years, even.

Their early stage costumes were borderline hideous. Christoph had to laugh at the ugly orange pants he found in the back. He hadn’t known he still had them. Even if the old rags would never see the daylight again, Christoph knew he’d never have the heart to throw them away. They held a sentimental value for him. And he was sure that the others felt the same.

After a while Christoph stumbled upon the clothes he wore during the Live Aus Berlin era. He had a hard time forgetting the shooting of the DVD. And not only because back then it was one of the biggest things in their lives. They still had a long journey ahead of them. They always will. But there was one thing that stood up in Christoph’s memory when he first laid his eyes upon that costume that day.

_Richard._

With those pale contact lenses and silver hair. The black lipstick that looked downright illegal on his lips. The man had been in his peak shape and he knew it damn well. He was arrogant and let it show on his demeanor. It turned Christoph on beyond anything, watching Richard being so steep and cold. There was a certain beauty to it. Not to mention how he looked as the show progressed. His body began to glisten with sweat. Christoph had had to concentrate like hell on his drumming. Otherwise he risked losing the beat and messing things up. Trying to mask his boner, however, was a whole different story at which Christoph had resigned right at the beginning of the show. He had hoped his pants and drums masked it enough, so it wouldn’t be so obvious on the tape.

He had wanted to approach Richard and tell him how hot he looked. Knowing Richard like he did, it would only serve to stroke his ego well. But it would also lift a burden off of Christoph’s shoulders. He wanted to tell him how he really felt. Sadly, before Christoph mustered any courage in him to say something, Richard got married. It ended for Christoph there. Or so he thought.

“Hey guys, look what I found!” Till yelled from somewhere.

The rest of the band practically run to wherever was Lindemann hiding. As it turned out, there was one separate rack in the back with only dresses on it. Including the infamous red dress from Du Riechst So Gut.

“Oh my god, no!” Richard groaned.

“Oh my god, yes!” Paul took the dress from Till’s hands with glee. “Reesh please, put them on, please!” he begged.

“No! Are you out of your mind?”

“I bet you’d look just as hot as back then,” Till chimed in, amused.

“Bet he can’t even fit in them now,” Flake said dryly.

If anyone knew how to push Richard’s buttons, it was definitely Flake. Richard tore the dress from Paul’s hands and clutched them to his chest.

“I can fit in them, alright!”

“Yeah? Then prove it to us, princess,” Till challenged.

“I don’t need to prove anything.”

“Ten euros say that you won’t fit,” Paul provoked him further.

It worked. Richard pressed his lips into a thin line and strutted behind the furthest rack to get changed. He had that adorable pout on his lips, like anytime he was fed up with Paul or anyone else in the band.

“Hey, if the lacing doesn’t fit, we can always use the laces from Landers’ shoes!” Till called after him and everyone erupted in laughter.

“Fuck you, Lindemann!”

Christoph continued searching through his own costumes and found a bag with red heels in it. They weren’t his. They originally belonged to Richard’s costume, before they decided it would look better if he went barefoot. The drummer smiled and sneaked to where Richard was struggling to figure out how the dress worked. The fact that it was torn on many places at the top didn’t help.

“Hey Richard,” he said.

The guitarist jumped up a little, not expecting anyone else so soon.

“You scared the fuck out of me, Schneider,” he muttered.

“Sorry. But I got these to go with the dress. Thought you’d appreciate it, since the floor is pretty cold,” he held the pair of velvet red heels in his hand.

Richard turned around and took the shoes from him. A smile spread across his lips and he shook his head.

“Only you would suggest such thing,” he said somewhat fondly.

He still struggled with the dress, so without a word Christoph took pity on him and helped him get it on. It wasn’t the first time he saw Richard stripped down to his boxers. No big deal. Nope. Not even when he had to touch his burning skin. It felt so good to just brush his fingertips against the smooth skin of his back. _Oh god help me._

“Wait, let me just…” Christoph found the ends of the string that tied the corset together at the back.

He started tightening the lacing section by section and heard the little gasps and grunts escaping Richard’s mouth.

“Are you okay? Isn’t it too tight?” he asked in worry. He didn’t noticed that he leaned so close to Richard’s neck, but it hit him when he felt his body heat radiating against his cheek. The warmth mingled with Richard’s very own intoxicating smell and Christoph was glad he was holding the lacing in his hands. Otherwise he’d end up clutching Richard’s hips.

“Yeah, yeah, just tie it up already,” it sounded irritated, so Christoph quickly went back to the task in hand.

He finished tying the corset as fast as he could. Richard fitted quite well into the dress, after all. He even put on the heels. Christoph wanted to ask him if he needed any help walking in them, since he never saw Richard wearing such shoes before. And from his own experience Christoph knew that high heels could be tricky.

But Richard went forward without hesitation, chin held high and his back straight as a pole. Christoph was left staring after him. The muscles in Richard’s back shifted deliciously with every step he took, his hips swayed to the rhythm of his gracious walk. As soon as the rest of the band saw him, Christoph heard them whistling and catcalling at Richard.

“Look at that beauty,” Till laughed.

“It fits me perfectly, now give me my money,” Richard said in a cold tone, extending his hand to Paul.

“Oh, I am more than happy to pay you now, Reesh,” Paul cooed.

“I swear, you look even better than you did at the shooting,” Till circled around Richard.

“That’s because I don’t have a thon of white powder and make-up all over me,” Richard rolled his eyes.

Till looked as if he was considering standing up to Richard and touch him. He had that hungry look in his eyes like he used to when he saw a particularly hot girl.

Finally, he decided what he wanted and stood in front of Richard. He took his hand in his and kissed him on knuckles. “You are beauty to behold,” he said in a low voice.

Richard seemed unimpressed and yanked his hand out of Till’s grip.

“Cut it out, Till,” he said in a calm tone.

Christoph chuckled at the display of arrogance from Richard. It suited him. He knew how well he looked, but it was obvious he enjoyed the flattery he received, too.

“But what about Schneider? They never got to share a dance,” Paul pursed his lips.

“He’s hiding right there,” Olli pointed to the back of the room.

There was no point in standing there, now that they demanded his presence. He walked over there as casually as he could without tripping over his feet. Richard looked fucking stunning in that dress. And Christoph had a hard time looking away.

“You two should definitely dance,” Paul cheered, pushing them together. “Flake sure has a spare keyboard here somewhere and he can play some classics.”

When Paul wanted something, he wouldn’t stop unless he got it. Christoph never found out what possessed Paul that day.

So for some reason Paul wanted to see them share a formal dance, because they never did it during the video shoot. And that was okay. Paul always had this thing for pushing people around and then enjoying the show. It could be annoying at times. But Christoph had never been more grateful for his friend’s bratty behavior.

Although at the moment he was more worried that Richard would dismiss him the same way he did with Till. He looked over at the guitarist. It surprised him when he was met with an amused smile. Richard was enjoying himself. The guitarist raised his eyebrow and didn’t say a word. Christoph quickly looked away and hoped he wasn’t blushing too hard.

“Wait, we should dress Christoph into something as well,” Olli came up to Christoph and took of his hoodie. The drummer wanted to protest, but he wasn’t given any chance.

“This will fit, I hope,” Till came up to him with a leather jacket. It was the one he had in the Pussy video. He thought the jacket was a killer. He had wanted to take it from the set, but had to forget it at some point. But for the dancing, it was a bit impractical.

“Too restricting,” Christoph protested.

“At least wear a fucking shirt, Schneider. Don’t treat the lady as a low class!” Paul threw a white dress shirt at him. Where did he fish it out, was beyond Christoph, but he put it on for the sake of their entertainment. But he was quite excited himself.

Dancing was something he knew. Something he was good at. He could lead his partner with ease and still hold a conversation. Rhythm came to him like a second nature, what with him being a drummer and all.

“Got the keyboard boys, the party can begin,” Flake came through the door and made himself comfortable on a chair.

Richard turned to Christoph who was finishing the last buttons of his shirt. He had a small smile playing on his lips. Christoph stood in front of him, the shirt tucked neatly into his black jeans. They had to make a weird couple.

“Don’t step on my feet,” Richard said softly. It was almost a whisper, the words caressed Christoph’s cheek and he nearly stumbled. Great, they haven’t even started dancing and Richard was already making him a mess with his confidence.

“I won’t,” Christoph promised.

Flake started playing on the keyboard. Some classic tune Christoph vaguely recognized. He took Richard’s hand in his and kissed it. It made Paul coo at them. Christoph remembered how disgusted Richard looked when Till did the same thing. He searched his face with fear of rejection. When he didn’t register any discomfort in Richard’s features, it only encouraged him in his behavior. He stepped close to Richard, one hand in his, the other on his back. He counted in his head the beat and realized the melody was perfect for Waltz.

He led Richard with ease. The man was light on his feet and so proud. Christoph could leave his eyes on him. The expanse of tanned skin, how he turned his neck with different movements, keeping up. He was stubborn, yet absolutely submitted to Christoph.

“I love Chopin,” Richard sighed and caught Christoph’s gaze.

Richard's eyes were sparkling the same way the melody was. So blue and full of life.

“You do look beautiful in the dress, you know,” Christoph couldn’t help it. He hoped he said it quietly enough, so only Richard heard.

“Thank you,” Richard murmured and Christoph could swear he saw a faint blush on his cheeks.

He hadn’t realized how close he was holding Richard, until their chests pressed together during the next turn. It felt like electricity was running through his system. Christoph adjusted his grip on Richard’s back, feeling his body heat seep in where they touched.

“Heeeey, look what I found!” Paul yelled from somewhere. “A whisky!”

“Now that is a party,” Olli said, but Christoph couldn’t care less.

He looked right in Richard’s eyes and led him through the music. Even when he wore high heels, he was still a good inch shorter than Christoph and had to look up at him. All Christoph wanted to do was to lean down to him and place a kiss on his lips. They were already so close. But not enough.

“Sorry guys, I love watching you being rotten sweet and all, but whisky,” Flake announced and stopped playing.

The magic between them broke. It shattered when they stopped moving and awkwardly let go of each other. Christoph’s hand slid down Richard’s naked back, the skin was still burning like a furnace.

“Thank you for the dance,” Richard smiled at him. _Wait, was that a wink?_ “Mind helping me undoing the back?” he threw him a look over the shoulder as he went back to where his clothes were.

Christoph blinked slowly at his friend. He had to imagine the flirtatious tone in Richard’s voice. He shook his head to snap out of it and followed Richard back. He was probably just projecting his desires on Richard anyway. It had to do with his ongoing crush, right? Richard was as straight as they came. _He wasn’t flirting with me, I’m just tired._

Following Richard to the back of the room, he noticed again how nice he smelled. There was something about the way his perfume mixed with his own scent. It drove him crazy. He wanted to drown in it.

When Christoph stood behind Richard, everyone else was occupied with sharing the bottle of whisky and some old stories from tours that never got old. They were laughing and yelling, just enjoying themselves. Nobody would be looking for them. Christoph sighed and started undoing the lacing, wriggling the tight loops free.

“You’re an amazing leader, Schneider. Never knew you had that in you,” Richard said after a while.

“Thanks. I’m glad you enjoyed me not stepping on your toes,” he masked his nervousness with a laugh.

“Yeah, it was nice,” he hummed and cracked his neck from side to side. “It felt good dancing in the dress. I see why girls make such a big deal out of it,” he chuckled and turned around.

“Wait, I’m not done,” Christoph protested, but as soon as he realized how close to him Richard stood, the words got stuck in his throat.

“Just wanted to repay you the favor,” he said in a quiet voice and started undoing the buttons of Christoph’s shirt.

“W-wha-“ he stuttered when Richard brushed his fingers over the skin of his chest. He kept staring at the guitarist, helpless with lust. Before he managed to react, Richard was done and getting out of his own dress.

“Now, don’t you have clothes to put back on, Chris?” he laughed when he saw that he was still standing there.

Christoph turned on his heel and run to fetch his own clothes. He knew he was screwed. That memory would haunt him for many following nights, he had realized. And he was right.

But for the first time in weeks, he hadn’t felt cold anymore.

Later on, the whole band sat on the floor in the storage room and shared yet another bottle that was laying around the place. They traded disgusting stories and laughed at everything. It was nice to just be around his friends like back at the beginning.

Till was happy and giggling like a little girl, despite him being the aggressive drunk most of the time. He kept leaning on Flake and laughed at something Paul just said. Poor Flake didn’t look like he’d be able to support them both for much longer.

“Reesh,” Till babbled and stopped to search for more words. “You have to wear dress more often.”

“You were pretty cute in them,” Paul agreed.

“No, no, you don’t understand!” Till exclaimed and leaned closer to Richard, almost tipping over. “You were gorgeous. Beautiful. Sooo hot,” he slurred.

“Really?” Richard asked. He was curious whether Till really meant it.

“Yeah,” Till nodded. “You were glowing. I couldn’t stop staring. The dress made you justice, Reesh.”

Christoph watched as Till buttered Richard up with praises and showered him with flattery. He knew how Richard loved having his ego stroked. Using that knowledge to his advantage, Till almost wooed Richard into sleeping with him right there and then. Christoph had a feeling that what Till had been doing wasn’t purely to make Richard feel better about himself.

“I think we should hit the road,” Olli muttered and attempted to rise to his feet.

“Nonsense, Riedel! We haven’t played spin the bottle yet!” Paul pushed him back down and they both fell into a fit of giggles.

“Fucking spin the bottle? What are you? Twelve?” Flake’s face scrunched in disgust.

“You don’t have to play,” Paul pouted and started spinning the bottle.

Of course it would land on Christoph first. Hadn’t it always?

He lost count of how many times he had to kiss his best friend during that stupid game. It was just his luck that he got to kiss almost everyone in the band, except for Richard, whom he wanted to kiss the most. Maybe it was for the best. He didn’t need any more longing and childish fantasies to occupy his mind.

But it hurt a little when he watched how Richard kissed with Till. The older man was possessive and rough with him. Tugged on his hair and when the kiss ended, he bit Richard’s lower lip, so it stayed red and swollen. Christoph was jealous. And all he could do was look down on his hands and pretend he hadn’t seen any of it.

“Cheer up, Chrissy,” Paul rested his head on his shoulder, as if he knew what was going on in his head. Christoph hated it, when Paul called him Chrissy. But it was Paul. And he was drunk. They were all drunk, so he ignored it. “You looked delicious too, as Frau,” he kissed his cheek.

“Thanks, Paul.”

“No, really,” the pout was audible in his voice. “I think we should give the Frau more space on this tour.”

“Alright, whatever you want,” Christoph smiled at his friend. He always thought that Paul was adorable when he was drunk. He yammered all the same, like he would when he was sober. But it was more charming. He spoke his mind, never missing a beat. He was kinder, too. Always telling everyone how nice they were and how much he liked them.

And he eventually made good on his promise. They ended up giving the Frau a whole show on their next tour. But they never spoke about the red dress Richard wore.

As if everything was forgotten the moment their hangover was over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they were dancing to was Frédéric Chopin's Waltz in A minor. But basically any waltz composed by Chopin you like would work here ;) I just can't help it, but Chopin's music inspires me so much. And I thought it fit the mood of the story.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here we go.  
> Please don't kill me for the cheesiness?

The landscape changed every time Christoph opened his eyes.

They were on the road again, heading to another venue. The intervals of his eyes closing and opening were getting progressively longer with each blink. Christoph was tired and his eyelids were heavy with sleep. Yet he refused to go to the bunks and get some rest. He wanted to see the country they were going through while the day was still bright.

But every time he closed his eyes, he missed even a bigger portion of it.

“Why don’t you go to bed, Schneider?” Paul nudged him.

They were sitting on the leather couch in the common space of their tour bus. Christoph had his head propped up on his hand while he was looking outside the window. He was partly hoping for Richard to show up. The guitarist was in his bed, as far as Christoph knew. They had only briefly saw each other during breakfast that day. Christoph had a weird feeling that Richard was avoiding him.

When Christoph had woken up that morning, it was to an empty bed and empty room. Not that he blamed Richard for bailing. But to be honest, he was hoping that he’d wake up to the smaller man still in his arms.

“I’m not tired,” Christoph lied.

“Bullshit,” Paul laughed. “You’re practically falling asleep as we speak.”

Paul watched his friend closely and when Christoph’s eyes closed again, he decided that was it.

“Come on, couple hours of sleep won’t kill you,” he helped his friend stand up and with one arm around his waist he lead Christoph to the back of the bus.

“I’m alright, you don’t have to do this,” Christoph protested.

“No, you see, I have to,” Paul said. “Because otherwise you’d end up falling asleep on that couch and it would be me who’d have to deal with your bitching about the back pain later,” he rolled his eyes.

Christoph laughed. Paul was right. It wouldn’t be the first time that his friend had to massage his back in order for Christoph to even stand up.

“You give good massages, though,” Christoph hummed.

“Yeah and I don’t receive any in return,” Paul laughed and shoved Christoph to his bunk. “Get some rest.”

“Are you going to tuck me in?” the drummer joked.

“Should I read you a story, too?”

“Please.”

Paul shook his head and laughed. He left his friend in his bed and went on to play games on his phone. Christoph drew the black curtain shut to get some privacy. He buried himself under the blanket and closed his eyes. It was a relief to be able to just lay down like that in the middle of the day. He didn’t get exactly much sleep last night.

In his younger years sleep was the last thing he worried about. He cursed mentally at his body getting old and turned to lay on his side. He kept going over the few events of the day. _Was Richard really trying to avoid me? Or were we always like this?_ Christoph wondered. It was true that he spent most of his time with Paul anyway. So maybe he was over reacting when he didn’t see Richard the whole day. _Yeah, it’s probably just in my head._

Luckily Christoph didn’t get any more time to worry about Richard. The sleep took over him soon enough.

When he woke up, the clock on his phone showed it was close to midnight. The bus was eerily quiet, which meant the rest of the band was already asleep. Christoph stared at the ceiling for a while, before he decided he didn’t feel like staying in the bed any longer. Trying to be as quiet as possible in the crammed space, he put on a t-shirt and went to the small kitchen to get something to eat.

It was surprising how quiet the bus was. Usually it was buzzing with energy and quiet chatter this late at night. Now it was deserted, save for the humming of the engine. Christoph fixed himself a quick dinner, aware that he’d have to hit the gym tomorrow, because eating this late wasn’t doing him any good. _Again with the aging._

He looked outside the window at the darkness they were passing. It was definitely a forest. It made sense, since they were going through Canada.

The woods around them were thick and Christoph wished he could step outside and smell the fresh scent of it. He imagined it would be cold against his skin. The endless woods of Canada were always appealing to Christoph. He kind of understood why Olli liked to go hiking in the wilderness. There was something to it.

When he was finished eating, he put the dirty dishes in the sink and went on to brush his teeth. It was like any regular morning, except that it wasn’t. Christoph couldn’t care less. They’d arrive in the next venue in about six hours or so and Christoph didn’t feel like getting any more sleep. So he might as well start his day already.

When he walked back in to the common space, he heard muffled voices. He decided to follow them against his better judgment.

“You know, at the end of the day, what I miss the most, is my family,” a man said.

“How old are they?” other voice asked. Christoph recognized that it was Richard. He walked further to the front of the bus to hear better.

“The youngest is six. I wish I could be there on her first day of school.”

“They grow up so fast,” Richard laughed quietly. “My first daughter grew up before I even realized. One day she’s just a baby toddling around my feet and the next day I have trouble keep all the boys away from her.”

Christoph smiled to that. He realized he was privy to their conversation, but he couldn’t help it now. He knew how proud Richard was of his children. And he was especially protective over his daughter. Every time Christoph talked to her, he noticed how much she took after her father.

“Tell me about it,” the driver agreed. “My oldest daughter is sixteen. You should see the guys she wants to date.”

“I can imagine, trust me.”

Christoph pictured how the two men agreed in vague disgust. It was adorable, Christoph thought. He knew that Richard sometimes stayed up to talk to their driver. But he never actually lingered to listen to what they talked about.

“Do you have any other children?” the driver asked.

“Yeah. A son. He’s a grown man now. It’s good to hang out with him,” Richard replied proudly.

The reason why Richard stayed so late with their driver was simple. He once told Christoph that he hated the idea of the driver falling asleep. So he often kept their driver a company and talked with him in order to keep him wide awake. When people said that Richard was a narcissist, Christoph supposed they were right in a way. But many of them failed to see Richard’s other side.

“Hey guys,” Christoph spoke up from behind them. He had just enough of lurking in the shadows.

He sat on the first empty seat behind the driver. The view on the road was amazing.

“Hey man,” Richard looked up at him.

“Slept well?” the driver asked with a laugh.

Christoph had a hard time remembering his name, since he was only driving them around for roughly a week. Their old driver broke his arm while the band was drinking and doing stupid things in the parking lot. Poor guy.

“Yeah, it’s great to sleep when your driving is so smooth,” Christoph said.

“You slept for ages, Schneider,” Richard teased. He had that amused glint in his eyes. It made him look younger in the dim light of the bus.

“What can I say, I didn’t get exactly a lot of sleep last night,” he shrugged.

He casted a sideways glance at Richard to see his reaction. They spent the last night cuddling, talking late to the night. He knew Richard wasn’t so drunk to forget it. Yet it felt like there was this strange tension between them since the last night.

“You can still catch a few hours, I and Panzerkampf won’t disturb you,” Richard promised.

“Panzerkampf?” Christoph asked warily, eyeing their guitarist with suspicion.

“Well, it’s Thomas’ favorite Sabaton song. Right Panzer?” Richard laughed and patted the driver on shoulder.

“Hell yes,” Thomas replied with a smile in his voice. “You can all call me Panzer, if you want,” he said with mirth.

Christoph shook his head. Richard was sometimes so easy to warm up to. And it was obvious that he and their driver really fell on the same note.

“I didn’t know you liked Sabaton, Richard?” Christoph asked with not so subtle surprise.

“Well, there’s a lot you’ve gotta learn, Chris,” he looked up at him and winked.

There was a hint of something else behind his eyes. The amused smirk on his lips dared Christoph to say something back. To get closer and taste it.

“I think I’ll leave you two to it,” Christoph got up and casted one last look at Richard.

He exchanged the goodbyes with their driver and went to rest in the common space. He picked up whatever book was lying around there. It was just his luck that it was All Quiet on the Western Front. The book was good, as far as Christoph remembered. He could only guess to whom it belonged. His best shot was Flake. He liked that kind of stories. But then again, the only member who was crazy enough to take eleven books on each tour was Richard.

Careful not to move the bookmark in there, Christoph began to read from the beginning. By the time he was on the tenth page, he was engrossed in the story. The plot was so gripping that he didn’t register when someone else sat next to him on the small couch.

“I see you like my book.”

Christoph jumped up good two inches. The book fell from his hands

“Shit, Richard!” he cursed.

“What?” the guitarist laughed and sipped on what looked like a cup of coffee. “I thought you heard me? I asked you good five minutes ago, if you want some coffee,” he motioned towards the small table. There was one extra cup of steaming coffee waiting for him.

“Oh,” Christoph picked up the book and placed it next to the mug. “Thank you,” he smiled at Richard and took the cup in his hands.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, sipping on their drinks and enjoying the quietness around.

“It’s going to be your birthday soon,” Richard began.

“So? Nothing special about it,” Christoph shrugged. He wasn’t sure where was Richard going with that. If he wanted to make old man jokes, he could’ve waited for Till to wake up.

“Really?” Richard tilted his head to the side. “Nothing special?” a small smile was playing on his lips and Christoph thought he knew what would follow.

He watched as Richard put his mug on the table and inched closer to him. _This is not good._

“Well, I suppose we’ll drink some champagne on the stage for fans, won’t we?” Christoph asked and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He knew it was pointless to ask.

Richard took his mug from his hands and without another word settled in his lap, straddling Christoph and making himself comfortable. The drummer froze in place. He looked up at Richard with wide eyes. What was he supposed to do? They weren’t even drunk, to begin with. And apart from their party nights, they never fooled around with each other. Maybe for fun, when the time was right, but never like this.

“The others want you to have a surprise,” Richard purred and laced his hands behind Christoph’s head.

He was pressed flush to his chest. The fact that he was sitting on top of Christoph made him taller. Richard was looking down on him, his breath ghosting over Christoph’s cheek. _Why are you doing this to me?_ Christoph slowly wrapped his arms around Richard’s hips to help him stay stabilized on his lap.

“What kind of surprise?”

Richard smiled and threaded one hand through Christoph’s hair. The pleasant sensation made the drummer close his eyes momentarily.

“I’m not supposed to tell,” he whispered.

“What a shame,” Christoph snorted. He still didn’t figure out what it was Richard was after. Maybe he wanted to get a reaction from Christoph. Maybe he was bored and wanted to test the limits of Christoph’s patience.

Whatever the case was. Christoph was sure that he won’t be able to resist this time. Even if he was sober. It was too good to just let go.

“I thought I’d give you my present sooner, though,” Richard said and caressed Christoph’s jaw with his thumb.

“You know my birthday is almost a week from now, don’t you?”

“I do,” Richard nodded. “But where’s the fun in doing in things in their right time?” he murmured close to Christoph’s ear.

Christoph felt Richard press himself even tighter against him. His lips moved lazily over his ear. They were soon trailing down over the column of his neck in languid motions. Christoph tightened his grip on Richard’s hips. If this was Richard’s gift to him, Christoph was more than happy to sit there and let Richard do whatever it was he had in mind.

Richard was placing small kisses where he could reach, teasing and making Christoph wait. Finally he licked over the sensitive spot on his neck and bit down. Christoph moaned and clutched Richard’s hips.

“Wait a minute,” Richard gasped when Christoph pressed him down on his lap.

The younger man reached somewhere behind Christoph. He kept looking for something, until he straightened back up. Richard hid his arms behind his own back quickly, so Christoph couldn’t see what he was holding. He had a smile of Cheschire cat and that was never good.

Christoph decided that two could play that game and he slowly dragged his hands from Richard’s hips. Up and over his arms, stopping on the guitarist’s wrists behind his back.

“I wanted to give you something nice,” Richard looked away. He seemed unsure, all of sudden.

Christoph rubbed his thumbs over the sensitive insides of Richard’s wrists. He saw the pink color seep into his cheeks. Richard was beautiful when he blushed. Christoph smiled and leaned in to kiss Richard on the cheek.

“Thank you,” he said in low voice and pulled back.

He watched Richard the whole time he was getting the present from his hands. The man seemed so shy, almost embarrassed. The present was in a neat black box. It was fairly small, but it didn’t look like a jewelry box. Christoph’s curiosity grew bigger the longer he hesitated with opening. He looked up at Richard one last time before he opened the box.

There was a leather bracelet cuff in there. Richard must’ve noticed he had a thing for those.

“I thought that when you kept losing all your bracelets, that… you know, it would be nice to give you one made just for you. Maybe you won’t lose this one,” Richard rubbed the back of his neck.

Christoph’s smile grew wide when he listened Richard explaining himself. There was a lot he wanted to tell him.

“Wait,” Christoph paused. “What did you mean by ‘just for me’?” he rose an eyebrow. “Is it custom made?” Richard was unbelievable.

“Well, it seemed only right for your birthday,” he shrugged. Yes, he was unbelievable.

“This is seriously cool,” Christoph shook his head and took the bracelet out of its box.

The leather was soft to the touch. It had two silver buckles in the back, they fitted together neatly. He noticed that on one of the leather strap was engraved his own monogram. The whole design was simple and elegant, two smaller leather straps were decorating the front. It never crossed Christoph’s mind that Richard would do such thing for him. It seemed like something unimportant. But Christoph loved it. More so because Richard put thought into it.

“Thank you, Richard,” Christoph hugged his friend.

The guitarists gasped in surprise, but soon melted to the hug. He wrapped his arms around Christoph’s back and kissed his temple.

“Glad you like it. I was a bit worried it would be lame…” he trailed.

“Shut up. I absolutely love this,” Christoph assured his friend when he let go.

He undid the buckles and placed the bracelet on his left wrist. Before he could even get the first buckle done, Richard stopped him. He placed his fingers gently over Christoph’s.

“Let me,” he smiled and Christoph complied.

He was content to just watch Richard work on his wrist with a look of concentration. His nimble fingers brushed over his skin every now and then and it felt good. Familiar, even. Christoph sneaked his free hand on Richard’s back. He kept it there and stroked his friend’s back in soothing circles.

“Here you go,” Richard beamed at him when it was done. “Isn’t it too tight?” he worried when Christoph didn’t reply right after.

“It’s perfect,” Christoph smiled.

He caught Richard’s gaze. His eyes were wide and blue. He was scared. Christoph reached out with his hand that wasn’t on Richard’s back and cradled his cheek. He rubbed his thumb over Richard’s jaw, feeling the faintest scrape of stubble. There was warmth seeping through his system. Longing bloomed in his chest from the place where his affection for Richard was.

Richard held his gaze and leaned his face into the touch ever so slightly. He breathed in and out contently. His lips parted slightly. It was like a silent invitation for Christoph. He missed being so close to Richard.

Christoph tightened his arm around the guitarist’s back and inched closer. He casted a quick glance to his lips. They were plush and pink and so inviting. Christoph leaned in the rest of the way. Their lips pressed together in a chaste kiss. Richard was tense in his arms, as if he was expecting the kiss to hurt him.

Christoph kept cradling Richard’s head in his hand, caressing his skin. Richard soon relaxed into the contact. But the kiss ended before Christoph could try to deepen it. Richard rested his forehead against his, getting his breathing under control again.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“For the present,” Christoph whispered. He knew he was smiling like an idiot. “You always kiss me on stage on my birthday anyway,” he reminded Richard.

The guitarist laughed and hid his face in Christoph’s neck in embarrassment.

“Yeah, I do,” he admitted in defeat.

Christoph wrapped both his arms around the man on his lap and rubbed his back. Richard sighed and cuddled to him. He smelled like cigarettes and his perfume. The same one he used throughout the years. It was grounding.

“But you never kiss anyone else like you do with me…”

“Yeah.”

“I think I still owe you,” Christoph took Richard’s chin between his thumb and index finger. He made him look into his eyes again.

Richard’s eyes were glassy, but his lips were curled into a smile. It was him who leaned in this time, sealing their lips together. Richard reveled in the kiss. He tangled his fingers in Christoph’s hair and the other placed on his neck, holding the drummer close. Christoph whimpered, despite his best efforts not to. His hands found Richard’s hips and pushed him down. Both of them let out a pleasured sigh.

“Yeah, you owe me,” Richard breathed out and pressed his hips down in a swinging motion. He knew what he was doing. Christoph bit Richard’s bottom lip to stop the moan from escaping his mouth. He sucked on it lightly to soothe the pain he caused, only to have Richard moan in his mouth.

Their kisses turned enthusiastic and desperate. Christoph run his hands down to Richard’s plush bottom and squeezed. The guitarist sighed against his lips. He tugged on Christoph’s hair in return, knowing that it would only serve to provoke the drummer further.

Richard knew exactly what he wanted and it turned Christoph on. He let the guitarist dictate the pace. It was nice to just sit back and enjoy the company. Christoph could touch Richard however he wanted. He didn’t care that it was just the heat of the moment. He had wanted this for too long. And finally Richard was allowing this. The drawn-out kisses and intimate whispers. It was just like Christoph hoped it would be, warm and familiar.

“All those times Paul made us play spin the bottle… and I never got to kiss you. Not even once,” Richard complained. He made a path of kisses to Christoph’s neck and placed feather-light kisses there.

It was so gentle that it forced Christoph to slow down his own movements. He put his hands under Richard’s t-shirt and caressed the burning skin there.

“That game is stupid. We should’ve kissed decades ago,” Christoph hummed.

“I agree,” Richard chuckled against his skin.

Richard pressed one last kiss on Christoph’s cheek and got off of his lap. He sat next to his friend and took the forgotten mug of coffee from the table. It had to be already cold, but he didn’t seem to mind. He shuffled as close to Christoph as was physically possible and rested his head against his shoulder.

The realization dawned slowly on Christoph. It came to him after good ten minutes, what they just did. He had wanted to kiss Richard for _years_. And now he had. They finally kissed, with groping and everything. Not just the cute little kisses you exchange on birthdays.

_Now I’m screwed. Over and out._

Christoph wrapped his arms around Richard to keep him close and traced small patters with his fingers on his back. It helped him concentrate on his thoughts. He wondered why Richard decided it was a good idea to kiss. Now, of all times.

Yes, there was that rule during their parties that Richard refused to kiss anyone. But this wasn’t a party night. This was just the two of them in the middle of the night. Making out like they were starving men. Nothing made sense to Christoph. But he decided not to question it, just yet. He had Richard cuddled up to his side and he wasn’t going anywhere.

Couple minutes later Christoph realized that Richard was bit too pliant in his arms. _Oh, he fell asleep._ He smiled and gently nudged the guitarist to his bed, much like Paul had done for him earlier that day. As much as he wanted to stay with Richard until the morning, he knew that sleeping like that would only end up with the guitarist having severe back pain.

He helped his friend to get to his bed. Before he left to continue reading the book he left a small kiss on Richard’s temple.

“Sleep tight, Reesh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wish I could see inside Richards head. Poor Schneider is confused (eh, and when isn't he?).  
> Also I've been to a Sabaton concert last week and it was beyond amazing. So please excuse the hints here and there in the story. I might be a little too obssessed now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hand slipped?

The show ended with six shattered glasses and an unfinished bottle of champagne.

The band wished Christoph happy birthday on stage. Richard made good on his habit. He kissed Christoph briefly on the lips with a glint of mischief in his eyes. The contact was fleeting. Not even Paul, who was standing right next to him, could see the silent exchange of looks between them.

Christoph was excited and he didn’t even know what for. He knew his friends were planning something. But with Richard kissing him, he could care less. It brought his mind back to that night a week ago. Richard was a good kisser. And Christoph wouldn’t mind getting more than just a kiss from him.

As soon as the final act was over, the six of them walked back to the convenience of their dressing rooms. Christoph took a long shower. His muscles were pulsing under the hot spray of water, tired from all the drumming he had done. It was one of the best feelings in the world. A simple shower after a long day. Christoph let his mind wander to the party his bandmates were planning. He hoped for something small and simple. Just the six of them and their closest friends who were with them on the tour.

“Excited for your surprise, birthday boy?” Paul cooed at him when they sat next to each other in the minivan.

“Hell yes I am,” Christoph laughed.

“Just wait for the presents,” Paul poked him in the ribs.

The smaller man was practically vibrating with excitement. He was a whole package of hyperactivity and eagerness. A small package, mind you. But Christoph wouldn’t change his best friend for the world.

They soon arrived to their hotel. A nice lady at the reception sent them towards the elevator with exact directions to where their party was held. Or would be held. Whatever. Till managed to make the receptionist swoon before they even left. Christoph rolled his eyes, some things would never change.

“Here, sit down,” Paul pushed Christoph down onto a sofa.

The room was large, furnished with nice things and decorative paintings. A little too fancy, if you asked Christoph. There were bottles of alcohol, some snacks and even the obnoxious presents wrapped in boxes. Christoph felt like they did it a little bit over the top. All he wished for was just a nice evening out with his friends.

“Is there a cake or something?” Christoph joked as his friends sat around him. Till poured shots of vodka for everyone.

“Oh, the cake… we kind of spaced out on that one,” their singer admitted. “But here’s to you, Schneider,” he raised his glass along with the others. “Forty five years down, another one to go!”

Till clicked his shot glass against Christoph’s and downed it in one go. The others followed, patting their drummer on his back and wishing him happy birthday properly.

“Why don’t you go unwrap the presents?” Olli prodded him when he settled the glass down.

“Yeah, go and see what we got you!” Till laughed.

There was another round of shots before Christoph got to the presents lying on the floor. He felt like a teenage girl at her dreamy birthday party. The presents were huge. The wrapper was baby pink, topped with raspberry pink bows. It looked quite gay, but it was still somehow better than the dick wrapping paper they got him last year.

“Seriously guys, what is this?” Christoph kneeled in front of the boxes. “These are too big.”

“Yet too small to fit a stripper in it,” Flake said, disappointed. “I told you guys we should give him a stripper!” he muttered. It was meant to be quiet, but Christoph still heard. It made him laugh. Of course they would get him a stripper. They knew how awkward he was around them.

“Come on, stop teasing Schneider and start opening them up!” Paul sat next to him. He was worse than a kid on Christmas morning.

Christoph was curious, too, what was in the boxes. He expected something silly and highly impractical. And where did they hide such huge present the whole tour anyway? He tore into the wrappers with joy. When he opened the first box, he was met with a sparkly pink material of… wait, is this a bass drum?

He took it out of the box and indeed. A bass drum. Now that he looked at the amount of boxes, it made sense.

“Are you serious?” he turned to face his bandmates, who were rolling around in laughter.

“Look at his face, it’s priceless!” Flake wheezed.

“Just keep opening!” Till yelled at him, doubling over with giggles.

Christoph shook his head. He was smiling, too. It was too amusing not to. He opened all the boxes and there it was. Complete pink drum set. With Hello Kitties here and there.

“I… I really don’t know what to tell you guys,” Christoph looked around. The drum set was adorable. And he knew it would look hilarious if he played it live. Which was probably why they got it for him in the first place. “Thank you,” he stepped over to where his friends where all huddled up and managed to get them all to a one giant bear hug.

They ended up sharing couple more rounds of vodka until the bottle was empty. It wasn’t a hardship among the six of them.

“Wait, I actually have one more present for you,” Paul jumped up from the sofa.

“Please don’t tell me it’s another sex toy.”

“I think you have quite a collection already,” Paul laughed. He disappeared for a while and returned with a rectangular box that was wrapped rather messily in that day’s newspaper.

“Really? What is this?” Christoph took the package with wary.

When he tore into it, he found a black book. With golden leafs as a subtle décor around the edges. Just from the looks of it, Christoph judged it would be along the lines of funeral card.

“Seriously? It’s not my funeral yet!” he protested at the morbidity.

“Shut up and open it!” Paul nudged him from the side.

When Christoph did so, it was like taking a punch in his guts.

_‘To my best friend who is never mad when I talk his head off. To the only person who can stand being around me for excessive amount of time. We’ve been friends for decades. Thank you for sharing your life with mine._

_Paul’_

There was a silly picture of them in some bar, making ugly faces at the camera. Christoph’s eyes were getting dangerously wet and he blamed it on the alcohol. He trapped Paul in a suffocating hug, telling him a quiet thank you. Yes, the dedication was incredibly cheese, but he wouldn’t expect less from Paul.

“Just look into it more,” Paul encouraged his friends.

As it turned out, the book was full of embarrassing and awkward photos of Christoph over the years. Seriously embarrassing and awkward.

“The hell, Paul? How did you get all of these funky pictures?” Richard kept laughing over Christoph’s shoulder.

“Oh, don’t worry, Kruspe, you have your own book coming. And it’s even worse,” Paul assured him and the whole band exploded with laughter.

Yes, that was the evening Christoph imagined they’d have. Laughing at old photos, remembering stories from tours and their lives. Drinking and not really caring that there’s anything happening outside these walls.

“Hey look, here I’m with you!” Olli pointed to an old picture. “We look like babies,” he laughed.

It was a deleted picture from the Herzeleid photoshoot. They looked hideous, like a pair of school boys that didn’t get to eat. Christoph had to laugh at it. “You had hair!” yep, he was definitely too drunk for that.

Their drinking continued, someone even put some music on. Old songs that were popular when they were kids. Nothing would say nostalgia better. Also, his friends had horrible taste in music.

“Where is Richard?” Christoph asked in his drunken haze. He’d been wanting to talk to him all evening.

“Uh, probably the bathroom? This place is a fucking maze, man,” Paul replied. “I almost didn’t make it that far,” he laughed.

“Thanks for oversharing, Paulchen,” Christoph shook his head.

As the evening progressed further, there was still no sign of Richard. It worried Christoph. _Maybe he’s in his room. He did look a little pale today,_ Christoph reasoned with himself. When he looked around, he noticed that Till was missing too.

He chalked it up to a weird coincidence and continued listening to Paul’s excited monologue about how he went shopping with his wife couple months ago and the importance of children’s section that sells rock clothes. Christoph understood about half of it, but he supposed Paul saw a greater logic behind his rambling.

And then Till walked in.

With Richard tailing behind him.

_I can’t be seeing this!_

“Oh yeah, here comes the cake,” Paul cheered next to him and Christoph’s stomach turned.

Richard’s wrists were bound together with a red ribbon. He could barely move his hands. One end of the ribbon was let loose as a leash and Till had it wrapped around the palm of his hand. He kept tugging on the ribbon to bring Richard further into the room.

His mouth was gagged with a black fabric, so he couldn’t protest. He was barefoot and completely at Till’s mercy. It made Richard look small and weak, almost like a slave. He wore short red dress with a fluffy skirt. This time a little longer, so it left something to the imagination.

“Come on, kitty. Don’t stay behind,” Till yanked on the leash and Richard followed. The tone of his voice was so sweet that it sickened Christoph to the core.

“Aww, look at him,” Paul slurred. “He’s so hot in red. Can’t wait to give him matching shade of red on his pretty ass.”

Richard blushed at that and looked at the ground. He tripped over his own feet. Even though Christoph hadn’t seen him drink much during the evening, he still seemed fairly drunk.

Till dragged him around the room, showing his little pet off. Christoph admired the beautiful dress. Despite his own disgust, he had to admit they looked delicious on Richard. The dress itself was a lot like the French maid costume. Except that it was in deep red and longer. It covered Richard’s upper thighs, which was another story.

Richard had very beautiful legs. Long and smooth and endless. Christoph wanted to run his fingers from Richard’s ankles up, up over his calves and thigs and under that pretty skirt of his.

But he didn’t want to do it like this. He wanted to be alone with him, just like the other night on the bus.

“Stop teasing, Till!” Paul whined.

It was obvious he wanted to get his hands on the prize. Christoph stood up in an excuse to get himself something to drink. He didn’t need to sit next to Paul for this.

And he also wanted something to numb the pain in his chest. What was it anyway? Jealousy? _Why would it be jealousy, we aren’t even together._ Christoph poured himself some vodka and mixed it with cranberry juice. He’d been made fun of for this drink way too many times before. It wasn’t like he cared anymore.

Why _do I even care? It’s Richard’s decision._

He took a gulp of his drink and rested his back against the booze table. It was obvious he worried about his friend. Seeing him with tied hands and with a gag was a little too much. It wasn’t sexy anymore. He couldn’t safe word or push back if he changed his mind. Christoph decided to keep a close eye on Richard, just in case the others would take it too far.

Till dragged Richard to Olli first and pushed him down on the floor.

“He’s all yours,” he grinned and handed Olli the leash.

“Aren’t you beautiful tonight?” Olli leaned forward and brushed his hand over Richard’s cheek. He took the fabric from his mouth and let it slide down, so it was around his neck.

Christoph took another sip of his drink and let sweetness linger. It was ridiculous to feel possessive over Richard, he realized. _But it felt like there was something between us. He even kissed me._ The drummer shook his head and kept his eyes trained on the floor. Jealousy was eating away at him. The only thing that kept him from dragging Richard away from all this was the fact that Richard decided this for himself. Christoph was in no position to tell him what he should do with his life.

“Such a pretty girl in red. Why don’t you show me what you can do the best?” Olli talked to Richard softly and Christoph could only imagine how he’s all gentle with him while Richard literally melts in his hands.

Olli knew how to treat Richard. He never hurt him and Christoph was glad for it.

The red dress reminded him of a sluttier version of the dress from Du Riechst So Gut. And how they danced to Chopin over a year ago. He’d still love to dance with Richard. He made a great dancing partner. Sadly, Richard was kneeling on the floor, getting Ollie’s pants undone. It was a hard task with his hands tied together, but he managed to do so. Christoph casted a quick glance over and noticed that Richard’s knees were spread wide. Like an open invitation. He could see the faintest peak of his red lacy underwear and it sent his blood rushing south. _Damn alcohol._

“You’ve got quite a mouth on you, Reesh,” Olli hummed. Richard whined pitifully at the praise.

Christoph resumed sipping on his drink that was more juice than vodka anyway and went over to the only armchair that was empty. He knew his friends liked to party. They liked to pass Richard around and torment him. But why did they have to do this on his birthday? That was the only thing he had a hard time understanding.

“Not enjoying yourself?” Paul sat on the armrest of his seat.

The drummer resisted the itchy urge to roll his eyes. _Every fucking evening_. Paul would come to him and ask if he enjoyed himself.

“I’m pretty tired from the show,” he lied.

“But look at Reesh,” Paul leaned to him. The alcohol was strong on his breath. “He put on your favorite color of dress. Isn’t he cute?”

“I doubt he knows what dress I prefer on women,” he snorted.

“Oh, I think it was more than obvious you liked him in red,” Paul laughed. As he was giggling in his drunken haze, he managed to fall into Christoph’s lap and spill his drink all over the both of them.

“Great, thank you, Paul.”

“I’m so sorry, Chris!” he started apologizing with those ridiculously wide eyes. He scrambled off of his lap and fell on his ass. Christoph was getting annoyed by minute.

“Whatever.”

He’d just have a stain of what was Landers drinking on his jeans. Not the first time that happened.

Meanwhile Richard stood up from his kneeling position on the ground and sat in Olli’s lap. The taller man’s hands disappeared under the red skirt and Christoph watched how Richard’s head fell back with a moan. Christoph turned his head away when a wave of guilt mixed with jealousy surged through his system. It should’ve been him and Richard like this. Not Richard and Olli.

When Olli was done, Till took the makeshift leash from his hands. Richard’s legs were still wobbly and he found it hard to walk. It only served to fuel Till’s anger further. He yanked the ribbon, causing Richard to almost fall to the ground.

“Sit!” he ordered and Richard did as he was told. He faced away from them, looking at the wall in front of him.

While Richard was waiting for his next orders, Christoph noticed there was something propped up against the wall. It was covered with a white sheet and it looked suspiciously as a mirror. Till tore down the fabric and it was indeed a mirror. Richard was kneeling in front of it and Christoph could see the horror on his face in the reflection.

“I thought you’d enjoy a little show for yourself,” Till stroked his hair. The gesture was intimidating, nothing about it was kind or nice. Richard shivered despite the brave façade he wore.

Till put the black fabric back in Richard’s mouth, stopping any protests the guitarist might’ve had. This made Christoph sit more upright in his seat. He didn’t like this at all. Even Richard looked scared.

“Come on, pretty, just relax,” Till murmured to Richard’s ear. The tone of his voice washed Christoph with nausea.

He watched as their singer pushed Richard down, so he was on all fours, hands still bound together with the red ribbon. It couldn’t have been very comfortable. Till pressed his lower back down and forced his knees further apart.

“What do you say we make good on Paul’s wish?” Till cooed.

Richard’s only response was a high-pitched whine. Till grabbed his hair roughly. It had to sting like a bitch, judging from the way Richard squinted his eyes.

“Look at yourself in the fucking mirror!” Till yanked his head until Richard opened his eyes.

“Easy Till,” Olli tried to calm the man down. As soon as he said it, Till landed a loud smack on Richard’s buttock, leaving behind a bright red mark.

“I told you to fucking look at the mirror you cunt,” the singer hissed and landed another hit.

Richard’s whole body jerked in an attempt to stay upright. His yelps were muffled by the fabric gag in his mouth. Christoph was worried Till would take it too far. This definitely didn’t look like Richard was fully enjoying this treatment.

Till let go of Richard’s hair in favor of tearing his underwear off of him. The lace was soft and delicate and it took him only a couple seconds to tear it apart. Christoph saw in the reflection that Richard’s cheeks were stained with tears. But he didn’t do a thing to stop him. He just knelt there and let Till do whatever he wanted.

Christoph had never been sober so fast in his life.

As if that wasn’t enough, Till clutched a cane in his hand. A fucking cane!

“Whoa, wait, this really hurts, man,” Olli tried to get it from Till. He was obviously worried about Richard’s well-being. Plus it didn’t look like Till was just drinking alcohol the whole evening. Yeah, it definitely looked like he got something else on top of it. And it triggered his aggression.

“I think Reesh will enjoy it. He should get his pretty skin the same shade as his dress. Now that he lost his underwear, anyway,” Till said in a mocking tone.

He pushed up the skirt of his dress up and didn’t give Richard time to get ready, before he hit him for the first time. The guitarist groaned in pain. His skin immediately turned bright red, leaving a thin line across his upper thighs.

“Fucking slut! Look at how much he loves it!” he hit him again.

And again and again and _again_.

Christoph stood up to get the cane from Till’s hands. This was far from okay. But Olli beat him to it.

“That’s enough Till, look at how much you hurt him!” Olli ripped the cane from his hand.

He was right. Till hit him with the cane so hard that he drew blood. Richard was shaking with the receding pain. Tears had ruined his make-up long ago.

“He’s just a cheap slut, it’s all he deserves anyway!” Till bit back. “Don’t you, you little whore?” he leaned over Richard’s back and met his eyes in the mirror. The guitarist refused to meet his eyes, which only resulted in Till getting angrier.

Their singer undid his pants and used the belt as a makeshift collar and a leash, looping it around Richard’s neck.

“Till, this is not a good idea, stop it,” Olli tried to talk to some sense to him.

“Fuck off,” Till waved him off.

He pulled on the leash with delight, restricting the oxygen in Richard’s body by a bit. He was enjoying it and it made Christoph angry. Sick , too. But at this point he only felt anger. He watched with disgust as Till slid into Richard. He made lewd and obscenely loud noises while doing so.

He fucked Richard hard, not caring for the broken skin on his thigs and ass. Adding a little smack here and there, just to inflict more pain on Richard. The guitarist was shaking, trying to get further away from Till, but it was no use to him. The stronger man just yanked on the leash, leaving Richard gasping for air.

“Look at yourself. You’re nothing but a dirty whore. You put out anytime I tell you how pretty you are,” Till spat, punctuating each sentence with a hard thrust.

“Yeah, that’s right. Nobody loves you. You’re just a cheap booty call. Nobody cares about you,” the words were devastating even to Christoph.

How could Till be so mean to him? The words had to hurt Richard more than any physical pain ever could. They all knew how low his self-esteem was at times.

Christoph was so lost in the absurdity of the situation that he didn’t notice how hard was Till holding onto the leash. Not until he saw Richard collapse on his face, body going lifeless.

His blood run cold.

_No, no, no, please no._

He sprung towards Till and tore the leash from his hands. He had to act fast. He loosened the belt around Richard’s neck. It took him two attempts to take it off. His hands were clammy and shaking badly.

“What is wrong with you?” Olli turned at Till and dragged him away from their guitarist. “You almost killed him!”

Olli continued yelling at Till, but Christoph didn’t hear a word. He threw away the belt and made sure that Richard could breathe. He checked for the pulse right after. _Good God, he’s alive. He’s breathing, too._

Christoph let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. But the surprises didn’t end there.

“Oh god, no…” he looked down at Richard’s hands. The red ribbon was cutting his circulation off. His skin turned an ugly shade. Luckily he wasn’t tied for too long. It took Christoph a lot more effort to wriggle the tie free. When he did so, he gently rubbed Richard’s hands, like Olli would do when he engaged in rope play with Richard.

“What the fuck? What happened?” Paul knelt next to him. “Is Richard okay?”

“And where the hell have you been, huh?!” Christoph shouted at him.

He was worried sick that Richard was seriously hurt. And here was Paul, who was drunk as a lord and at the wrong time at the wrong place.

“Sorry, sorry. I think I fell asleep on the couch,” he said lamely.

Christoph ignored him and arranged Richard’s body into the recovery position. He brushed away the wet hair from his face. Paranoid thoughts plagued his mind and he checked for the pulse again. That was when he noticed that Richard was crying.

“Paul, go check on Olli. He looked like he might beat the shit out of Till. Not that I’d mind, personally…”

“Got it,” Paul stood up, a little unsure on his own legs. “You take care of him,” he squeezed his shoulder and stumbled to where he heard the loudest shouting and yelling.

Christoph waited until he was alone with Richard. He gently stroked his face and wiped the tears away.

“Richard?” he spoke softly. “Are you okay? Shouldn’t we get you to the hospital?” he searched Richard’s face for any sign that he was seriously hurt. A word, a wince, anything.

After a while Richard opened his eyes. He didn’t look at Christoph, at first. He was too ashamed.

“Take me to my room, please,” he croaked.

Christoph hesitated for a second. He wanted to question Richard’s health, but then decided against it.

“Okay, where’s your key card?”

Richard tried to reach to a pocket in his dress, but winced with pain. He looked up at Christoph with silent plea and nodded towards the skirt of his dress.

Christoph fiddled with the fabric for a while until he found the small pocket. Small enough to fit just the key card. _Well these things aren’t as useless as they look._

“Are you sure you don’t need a doctor?” Christoph checked again. Richard’s hands were getting the normal color. They’d definitely bruise later where he was tied. So would his neck. The delicate skin on his neck looked irritated. Some patches even looked like they were scraped raw with the rough leather.

Richard shook his head and attempted to get to his feet. His legs were barely holding him up. Christoph wrapped his arm around his waist to support him. They walked slowly, Christoph let Richard to set the pace.

“You’re still here, good,” Olli run after them. “I brought you my bathing robe. You know, if you meet anyone on the corridor… it’s better not to draw attention,” he smiled weakly at Richard.

“Thank you,” Richard nodded at Olli. Christoph took the robe from him and helped Richard to put it on.

“You two okay? Do I need to call for a doctor?” Olli worried for a while.

“I’m fine,” Richard replied, but didn’t dare to meet Olli’s eyes.

They left the room and made their way through the corridors. They stood in front of the elevator and waited in awkward silence. Christoph was beating himself up for not seeing it sooner. He could’ve prevented all of this. If only he’d pay more attention. He’d never be a good boyfriend to Richard. Who was he even kidding?

Richard was shaking as a leaf by the time they arrived at the right floor. Christoph pressed him tighter to his side.

“Which number?” he asked when he realized he didn’t know which room Richard was staying in.

The shorter man in his arms was still shaking. Christoph was afraid he might collapse any minute. _Better act fact this time._

“Uhh… next to yours?” he didn’t sound sure.

Christoph tried the room on the right from his. No success. _The left one it is, then._

When the door closed behind them, Richard slipped from his arms. He fell down on his knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. Christoph was down with him in an instant. He hadn’t seen anyone broke down like this before.

He embraced Richard in a tight hug. He needed this. Let all the stress go out. Christoph wrapped his arms around his shaking torso and suppressed the violent shaking of Richard’s body. The man in his arms was almost trashing with the force of his cries.

He was _broken_.

Till did it. He devastated him. Drained every last bit of his self-confidence and stepped on his dignity.

Christoph clutched his friend close. He drew soothing circles on his back, whispering quiet, meaningless words. It was endless. But Christoph knew that Richard needed his comfort. He’d let him cry however long it’d take. As he held Richard, he realized he didn’t want to go through this horror ever again. He should’ve protected Richard better. And not just because he had a stupid crush on him.

The crying eventually subsided. Christoph caressed Richard’s hair and told him that everything was fine. For the moment, he was safe. Away from Till.

“Shower,” Richard whined and started taking off the robe.

“Hold on, I’ll help you,” Christoph stood up and took Richard’s hands.

They found themselves in the small ensuite bathroom. Christoph was gentle. He hung the bathing robe and undid the back of Richard’s dress.

“You really shouldn’t soak the wounds much. It’s bad for the healing,” Christoph pointed out.

He scratched the back of his head, unsure of where his place was. It was awkward. _He_ was akward.

“I know,” Richard nodded and stepped into the shower.

“Uh, I…” _come on, be a man goddamn and stop stuttering._ “I’ll wait here in case you’d get dizzy or something, okay?” he didn’t like the idea of leaving Richard on his own.

Richard didn’t reply and instead turned the water on. He was there for only a couple minutes, washed his hair, probably. Got rid of the nasty feeling on his skin. When he came out of the shower, Christoph handed him the white fluffy towel.

Later, when Christoph helped Richard to get into bed, he felt a pang of guilt. Richard was trying hard to conceal the pain crossing his face. It was obvious he started to feel the impact of the wounds.

“I’m so sorry,” Christoph whispered. His eyes were burning just from looking at his friend. He failed so badly. He allowed someone to hurt Richard. “I should’ve came sooner. I should’ve known, I should’ve-,“ he broke into a sob.

“Stop it,” Richard sighed. “Let’s not talk about this.”

Christoph nodded and wiped the tears from his eyes. He should support Richard, not cry in front of him like a baby.

“It’d be helpful if you could take care of the cuts,” Richard looked over at him. He looked more composed now. But Christoph knew better. Richard was good at putting on a mask.

“Sure,” Christoph shrugged. “Do you have anything for it?”

“Yeah. An aloe vera cream. Somewhere in the bathroom, I guess.”

Indeed, Richard had that kind of lotion among his toiletries. Christoph wondered how often he had to use it. How often did Till hurt him like this? When he came back into the room, Richard was spread on the bed, naked save for a well-worn sleeping shirt. The cuts from cane were still red, but the blood was mostly gone now. Thank God. Christoph sat next to his friend and carefully spread the cooling lotion where the skin wasn’t broken, only where it was red and abused.

Richard sighed every now and then under his hands. It was good to know he wasn’t causing him pain. Some of the noises even sounded relaxed.

“Done,” Christoph announced. “Do you want me to do anything else?” he asked with hope. He didn’t want to leave Richard. Especially not after what happened.

“Stay.”

It was a soft plea. Richard blindly searched around him until he found Christoph’s hand. He held it like a little child. Christoph brushed his thumb over Richard’s fingers and smiled to himself. That was the least he could do for his friend.

“Can… can you talk?” Richard suddenly asked into the silence.

“Talk?” Christoph questioned.

“Yeah. A story. A joke. Just don’t be quiet, please.”

“Okay, I can tell you a story,” Christoph smiled.

He made himself comfortable next to Richard and gently kissed the knuckles of his hand.

“Once upon a time, there was king and queen. And they had the most beautiful daughter in the world…”

Christoph talked softly to Richard about the Sleeping Beauty. The version they knew from their childhood, anyway. He knew that Richard’s favorite story was The Girl With The Matches, but the tale was so sad that it made Christoph cry each time he heard it. This seemed like a better choice.

He continued narrating the story about the Sleeping Beauty. And about halfway through it Richard snuggled to him. He curled to his side and rested his head on Christoph’s chest. The drummer smiled to himself and pulled the blankets gently around them. He took extra care not to brush the fabric over Richard’s tender skin.

When the story was over, the black haired man was pliant on top of him and almost snoring away. Christoph turned off the bedside light. The movement disrupted Richard from his sleep momentarily. He settled back down quickly and resumed his previous position. He held Richard close. Afraid that something might happen to him.

The guitarists sighed with relief after a while. Presumably after he found a position that wasn’t too painful to lie in.

“Thank you for this,” he whispered.

“Get some sleep, Reesh,” Christoph stroked his hair. “I’ll be here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes, my hand definitely slipped.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this update took me waaay too long. Uni has been pretty crazy and stressful, so I had neither the time, nor the desire to write anything at all. But don't worry, I'm definitely not done with this story! :3

It took Christoph good half an hour to fall asleep. Even if he was exhausted to his core and the blanket was soft around his body, he found it impossible to close his eyes. The worry he felt towards Richard prevented him from getting any sleep. He listened to Richard’s breathing and tensed at every little hitch he heard. There was still the slightest chance that Richard could fall into some sort of physical trauma, or even worse, into a psychological one.

Either way, he was asleep now. The fine wrinkles around his eyes were smoothed out and everything about him was visibly more relaxed. After a while Christoph calmed down enough to allow himself to close his eyes. Just for a little while.

Sleep didn’t come as easily to him. He kept seeing Richard in front of that mirror. Covered in blood. And where there wasn’t red on his skin, there were cuts and bruises. He was trying to get to Richard and help him. But he was too far. He couldn’t reach him. He saw the pain in Richard’s eyes and how they pleaded him to put him out of his misery. And Christoph was still too far. It didn’t matter how fast he’d run. It was never fast enough, never close enough.

A loud noise snapped him out of the nightmare.

Christoph’s first instinct was to check for Richard. He needed to know whether he was safe next to him. He saw the smaller man’s silhouette in the darkness. He let his head sink back into the pillow with a relieved sigh. Until the noise cut the air again. It was dull, muffled by a wooden barrier.

It sounded like someone was banging on the door. The noise was uneven and rather sloppy. It took Christoph couple seconds to categorize it properly.

“Reesh, please, open up!” a voice from behind the door echoed.

Christoph froze in place. It was Till.

“Come on, open the door!” the yell was followed by another loud bang.

Richard stirred in his sleep. Christoph looked at him with terror.

_What do I do, what do I do, what the fuck do I do._

“Richard, let me in! I’ll be good, I promise!” Till pleaded behind the door.

Christoph looked towards the source of the noise. Then to Richard. He kept looking between these two, not knowing what he should do. He couldn’t go answer the door. There was no way he’d be able to fight Till off. And with the drunk man yelling loudly in the corridor there was no way Christoph could prevent Richard from waking up, either.

_Bang, bang._

“Mmmph,” Richard mumbled next to him. His breathing wasn’t shallow anymore. “What is it?” he slurred.

“Nothing. Someone’s drunk in the corridor. Go back to sleep,” Christoph answered quietly. He run his fingers through Richard’s hair, hoping that would be enough to appease him. Richard purred under his hand and curled closer to him.

“Reesh, stop pretending you’re not in there!” Till shouted outside. This time a lot louder than before. He was becoming aggressive.

“Chris?” Richard asked in a small voice.

He was beginning to shake next to Christoph. There was no way Christoph would be able to calm him down now. Richard clung to him with such strength that surprised even the drummer.

“Shh, he won’t hurt you,” Christoph whispered and kept playing with Richard’s hair. He reached blindly behind himself to get to the bedside table where his phone was. “I’m going to call someone to get him away, is that okay?”

“Just get rid of him,” the smaller man sobbed while he clutched Christoph’s t-shirt in his fists.

By the time Christoph finally dialed Oliver’s number, Richard was shaking like a leaf. The steady tone of hold tone did nothing to calm Christoph’s own anxiety. Much less it calmed the smaller man who was on the verge of tears. He needed Oliver to pick up the goddamn phone. _Please, where are you, Olli?_

“This better be important,” a rough voice on the other end of the line replied.

“Can you get here, Olli?” Christoph urged. “Till is drunk in the corridor and he wants to get to Richard.”

“I’ll be right there, hold on.”

The other end of the line went silent. Christoph put the phone away and cuddled Richard closer to him. He tried talking to him in low, soothing tone. He hoped it would be enough of a distraction from Till’s drunk yelling on the other side of the door. It didn’t seem to help much. The smaller man was still shaking in his arms, refusing to calm down.

“Olli said he’d get rid of him,” Christoph whispered. “You’re safe here, nobody is going to hurt you, I promise,” he kissed the top of Richard’s head.

“Don’t go,” Richard whined. He sounded so broken that Christoph’s heart clenched at that sound.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assured him.

It took Oliver about five minutes to find Till. And then another ten minutes to convince him to go to his own bed and stop disturbing everyone from their sleep. At least from what Christoph heard from behind the closed door. Till was difficult to handle. The drummer had always respected Olli’s ability to handle Till’s drunker ass. He was probably the only person of all of them who knew how to.

“See? Everything is quiet now,” Christoph whispered to Richard’s hair while he stroked his back gently.

He didn’t get a direct response. Instead, Christoph felt how Richard melted a little next to him and let out a shaky breath. He couldn’t help it and did the same as Richard. The tension finally left his body and it seemed like they could still get some sleep before the new day would start.

“Promise you won’t go?”

“Promise.”

Christoph had waited until he was sure that Richard was out cold. He could hardly imagine what it was like for the smaller man. Till was never so violent with him before. Sure, he wasn’t exactly gentle or loving, but there were some restraints and lines he never dared to cross. And then _this._ Christoph didn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if there was no one to stop Till. Their singer was absolutely out of his mind! He could’ve…

The next morning was nothing like Christoph imagined.

Richard barely spoke to him, in fact, he seemed he’d rather have Christoph gone. The guitarist closed himself off completely. There was no point in trying to talk to him, Christoph knew. When Richard didn’t want someone to be around, he made it crystal clear. It was understandable he’d want to be alone, Christoph thought. He probably needed some space to process everything out and heal both on the inside and the outside. And it was only up to him how much time he’d need.

On the other hand, Christoph didn’t like the idea of leaving Richard alone, at all. He dressed up in silence and left Richard a note on the bedside table, that if he needed anything, he could call. Then he turned on his heel and hoped for the best.

Since it was still early in the morning, Christoph decided he could get some food. Once he reached the hotel’s restaurant, he immediately spotted Paul. The short man was sitting alone at one of the tables, breakfast barely touched. He was making sour faces at his coffee while he scrolled on his tablet.

“Morning,” Christoph sat down next to him.

“Oh, hi,” Paul looked up and managed a weak smile. “How is he?” Paul asked after Christoph remained silent.

“Till came to look for him last night. It was bad,” Christoph sighed and rubbed his face. He didn’t realize how tired he was until that moment. “He’s in one of his moods now. Wouldn’t talk to me or look at me, you know how he gets.”

They all knew Richard had his moods. And when he was in one of them, he should be avoided at all costs. But at the same time they both knew that this was different. Yet years of avoiding Richard in his moodiness made it impossible to change their behavior. Old habits were hard to kill.

“I’ll get some coffee,” Christoph announced and got up. He added some breakfast while he was at it. Even though he felt like he should be disgusted by last night’s events, the hunger was admittedly stronger.

When he returned back to Paul, he noticed Olli. The three of them ended up at the same table, discussing what they should do next. Flake was nowhere to be seen, but it wasn’t all that surprising. Their keyboardist liked to get up early and wander around the strange places they were staying at. And as for Till, he would be most likely asleep till noon with the amount of alcohol and drugs he had consumed.

“I think you should be with him,” Olli said when Christoph didn’t want to answer why he wasn’t with Richard at the moment.

“He wouldn’t have me, you know how he gets when he wants to be alone,” Christoph protested.

“That’s where you’re wrong, you see,” Olli smiled under his beard.

He looked like a wise gnome and it irritated the shit out of Christoph. _Calm down, it’s just the sleep deprivation. Olli means well._

“What do you mean?” Paul chimed in. “Even I wouldn’t want to be near Richard when he glares daggers into people.”

“And it never crossed your mind he does it on purpose?” Olli kept his eyes trained on Christoph.

The drummer felt the tips of his ears burning in shame. He should’ve realized this on his own, he had known Richard long enough for that. He was well aware that many of the things Richard did were a well-worn mask to deceive the people closest to him. The real challenge here was how to break that mask and make Richard take it off. Christoph felt like he never really managed to pull it off of Richard’s face before. But maybe he was wrong. That one time in the bus when they were all alone and he was so warm and cuddly on his lap might’ve been the case. After all, it was the only time Richard really kissed him.

“You should get back to him and keep him company,” Olli said softly when Christoph didn’t speak.

The drummer nodded and rose up from his seat, saying his goodbyes. Luckily for them, their departure was scheduled to the next morning, leaving an extra day to recover after Christoph’s birthday. _Well, what a recovery_ , he thought bitterly.

Christoph was almost one hundred percent sure that Richard wouldn’t open up the door when he knocked. _Twenty seconds, thirty seconds. One minute._ The door had opened.

“Hi,” Christoph said lamely.

“Hey.”

Richard was sickly pale. He looked even worse than he did last night and Christoph had thought it couldn’t get worse. Wrong. When Richard didn’t make any move to close the door, Christoph took it as a sign and let himself in.

“I thought we could get some breakfast, what do you think?” he tried.

Offering Richard that he’d order him a breakfast would only serve to hurt the guitarist’s pride, Christoph had to be smart.

“Not hungry,” Richard replied. He went back to the bed and lied down face first. His backside had to be aching like hell, there was no way he’d be able to sit properly for the next week.

“I’m not gonna say that stupid phrase that you have to eat something,” Christoph sighed and sat down next to Richard. “But I’m still going to order something. So anything special?”

“Coffee,” Richard groaned from between the pillows. Christoph purposely waited another couple seconds. “And chicken salad.”

“Great,” Christoph smiled and picked up the phone to call the room service. It wasn’t very often they did this. Since their financial balance from most tours was a zero, they couldn’t spend that much money while they were on it. It’d be downright ridiculous if they returned with negative numbers.

Once the food and drinks arrived, Richard seemed to be a lot happier. At least he got his coffee, which always made him a little more bearable. He went on the balcony to smoke, always the diva of the band. Christoph wondered how many people Richard had to push around to get a room with balcony every single time. Probably plenty.

He wore a fluffy white bathing robe and it was haphazardly tied, so the front created a deep V down his chest. There was a half bruise, half burn forming on his neck. It didn’t look as bad in the sharp daylight as it did last night. But it still wasn’t fully colored. The chances were it’d turn a real nasty shade by the end of the day. But from what Christoph saw, it’d probably fade soon, which was positive. The skin of Richard’s chest that was showing was smooth, like always. With nicely defined pecs and perfectly sun-kissed tone. Christoph had to stop himself from going any further in his mind. It was not the right time.

Richard stepped back into the room when he was done smoking and he looked a lot better already. The only thing that gave away his gloomy mood were the tired lines around his eyes.

Christoph wanted to say something, anything to break the silence between them. It was borderline uncomfortable. But he couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say. In the meantime Richard got back to the bed and propped himself on the elbows, placing the bowl of salad in front of him. He looked like a teenage girl in that split second and it made Christoph smile.

“What’s so funny Schneider?”

“Nothing,” the smile grew even bigger in his voice.

Richard rose an eyebrow at his friend. He wasn’t annoyed, but then again, his features didn’t get away much of his emotions.

“You’re cute like this,” Christoph finally admitted.

Richard looked down at his food. There was a hint of smile tugging at his lips. He was obviously pleased with Christoph’s answer and the atmosphere between them cleared a little. It became lighter and so much more bearable, like it would be on a normal day.

“Shut up and eat your food,” Richard mumbled at him. Christoph was glad to follow the order.

After they were done with the food, Christoph thought it was the best time to approach Richard and ask him how he was. Not literally ask him like that, these things had to be done subtly. Richard seemed content for a while, comfortable in the soft sheets, his eyes seemed open and honest.

Christoph took advantage of it and sat down next to him on the bed.

“What are you doing?” Richard asked. He tried to sound irritated, but failed miserably.

“I just thought I’d keep you a company,” Christoph shrugged like it was the simplest thing in the world.

He lied down on his side, so they were facing each other. The other man scrunched his nose, he was indeed adorable. Something about annoying the hell out of Richard made Christoph smile even more. It wasn’t mean, they used to tease each other a lot back in the day. Especially so when Paul was at his best prank years. There were days when Paul infected everyone with his sick humor and the whole band would prank and annoy each other until a fist fight almost happened.

Christoph would forgive Paul anything, though. More so when Paul’s habit of annoying everyone would end up with Richard being incredibly cute while cussing at Paul’s behavior.

“Stop being so happy,” Richard hissed.

“Sorry,” Christoph bit his lip to stop himself from smiling. He was probably pushing his luck with Richard, but something told him the walls around Richard were crumbling. Which meant that the risk was somewhat worth it.

Christoph reached out with his hand, careful not to make sudden movements. When Richard didn’t move, Christoph gently brushed away a stray strand of black hair from his face. He held Richard’s gaze. The younger man blinked quickly, as though he wanted to hide something. Whatever it was. Christoph concentrated on the clear blue of Richard’s eyes, all thoughts gone from his head.

Richard was safe. He was with him.

Even if Richard wasn’t his, Christoph was content like that. The weight of past night sat on his shoulders like a dark shadow. The ache was set deep in his muscles, tangled in every possible knot and making his whole neck stiff and sore. His eyelids were heavy. But he forced them to stay open a as he watched Richard in front of him.

The room was lit up by afternoon sunshine and it covered the room in a soft, warm glow.

Christoph dared to sneak his hand towards Richard’s. He grazed the tips of his fingers lightly over the back of Richard’s hand, until the guitarist turned his hand palm up and allowed Christoph to lace their fingers together in a lose knot. He rubbed a thumb over Richard’s skin, feeling how soft and warm it was under his touch.

“You’re being cheesy, Schneider,” Richard rolled his eyes, but did nothing to move his hand from Christoph’s.

It made the drummer laugh. Richard was a good liar. It was evident that the corners of his mouth were rising slightly up. So maybe he wasn’t that good of a liar after all.

“Well, I can’t help it,” Christoph shrugged. He rose Richard’s hand to his mouth and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles. “I’m glad that you’re safe, you know,” he admitted. The words came out raw. Christoph immediately hated himself for saying anything.

“Are you?”

“Yes,” Christoph nodded. He couldn’t miss the emotionless expression on Richard’s face. It was a mine field, one step wrong and you’re done. Christoph had to tread very softly. “I was scared last night,” Christoph said quietly, this time he avoided looking at Richard, afraid his own emotions would show.

They fell silent. All Christoph could think about in that moment was that he stepped on one of the land mines and it was all over.

“Can we not talk about it? For now at least,” Richard asked. His voice neutral, but quiet.

“Sorry for bringing it up,” Christoph apologized. At least he wasn’t completely shut down, he could still make it work.

“I want cotton candy,” Richard sighed and buried his face in the pillow. Well, that came out of nowhere.

“Cotton candy?” Christoph repeated with raised eyebrow, despite the fact that Richard wouldn’t be able to see.

“Yes,” he groaned. “I’ve been craving it for at least a week now.”

“So why not get one?

“Are you serious? Do you know how long it takes to burn it off in the gym?” Richard squeaked in high-pitched voice. He was so shocked by Christoph’s ignorance.

The drummer laughed and couldn’t stop even when Richard swatted him with his arm. Yes, this was the Richard he was familiar with. Always conceited in his perfect looks and taking care of his body. Maybe except for the smoking.

“Alright, so no cotton candy for you,” Christoph grinned. The mood between them was light once again. There was enough space to take a deep breath and feel relaxed.

“But once I can hit the gym again, we should go,” Richard peeked up from the cushion, small hope mirroring in his voice.

“Oh, definitely,” Christoph smiled and brushed the stray hair from Richard’s face. “I take your word for it.”

It was good that Richard had finally spoken on his own. He didn’t seem to be in great pain or distress, but then again, he was good at hiding things. Christoph wanted to stay with him for the rest of the day, just in case Richard would get depressed or the memories from the last night would come back to him. It was hard to guess what would his reaction be and whether Richard would be fine on his own, despite the emotional trauma he experienced.

They stayed in the bed in silence. Richard was first to doze off. Christoph felt his own eyelids becoming heavier with each passing moment. But before he allowed himself to fall asleep, he checked his cell phone.

_-Till is awake. He doesn’t remember the incident in the corridor. Otherwise he’s pretty miserable and sorry. Keep looking over Richard.”_

It was a text from Oliver. Christoph texted back immediately.

_-Richard is fine, he just fell asleep. I won’t tell him anything just yet._

_-Good. We need to come up with something by tomorrow._

Yeah, they better come up with a good plan. They were over some serious tour crisis before, but never one that was this personal and physical. Christoph was too tired to try and come up with the right solution. They might as well deal with it when the time comes. Which meant in less than a day.

_I don’t want to deal with this_ , Christoph thought. He looked over at Richard who was sleeping peacefully like an angel. How easy it would be to lean over and kiss his cheek or hold his hand.

He was glad that he listened to Olli and stayed with Richard. Maybe that the guitarists still wore a mask and didn’t want to let him close, but something about the whole situation made Christoph think otherwise. Richard needed time. He was good at playing his own game, hiding behind the thin veil of confidence was something he perfected over the years, after all. The least Christoph could do was to be patient with him.

It definitely had nothing to do with the fact he had a giant crush on Richard. Or the fact that Richard had kissed him on his own just a week ago. Christoph sighed at the memory. It was the closest he ever got to Richard and it was everything he had dreamt it would be. Soft and warm and filled with basic need.

He had to push these thoughts away. Now wasn’t the good time for them.

Christoph hoped that the last night’s incident would finally put a stop to what they were doing to Richard. Even if the dark hired man enjoyed most of it, they were all pushing it the last couple times.

_‘Working out a plan with Till and the others. Seems like we’re onto something.’_ a text from Paul.

Good, that was good. Till needed to sort himself out and apologize to Richard. But it was clear that a single apology wouldn’t cut it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter than usual, but I hope you still enjoyed it.   
> Richard and cotton candy are my new otp <3


	7. Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh, finally an update! The new Ramm4 song and live footage gave me so many feelings that I just had to push myself with this story. Hope you guys are going to like it :3
> 
> Side note: this is the second flashback chapter of this story.

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment when it all had begun. The jokes about Richard crossdressing surely begun before the tour at their little get-together at the warehouse. But how did they end up  _here_?

There were pieces of memories that more or less fit together and in the end they made a cracked picture of the past. Christoph had a hard time placing the bits in his mind. Maybe he didn’t want to recall any of it, he was so ashamed by how low they let Richard sink. His consciousness was well aware that he was a part of the problem as much as his fellow bandmates.

So maybe Christoph had difficulties remembering how they got to this exact point. Although one thing he remembered clearly – it was how the matter was first brought up by Till.

* * *

 

“Hey, look what I found,” Till hollered from somewhere in the bus.

The rest of the band gathered fast around their singer to peak at whatever it was that caught his attention. Each one of them was bored out of their mind, so they were grateful for any kind of disruption these days. Even if it meant climbing out of their hiding spots and meet other human beings.

Despite their tour bus having only a very limited space, they fit in it surprisingly well without having to see each other. They had a good system going on. When one of them didn’t want to meet the others, they knew exactly what to and which places and times to avoid. It was a wonderful craft they had perfected over the years.

“What is it?” Paul jumped up and down, his vision shielded by Olli’s broad back.

“I think one of the girls forgot her attire here,” Till laughed.

He held up a nice piece of dress that looked ridiculously tiny in his giant paws. The fabric was candy pink, decorated with way too many white frills and ribbons for them to look at least half decent. Christoph had several issues with the thing. First, he doubted that some girl would forget her entire dress in their tour bus. Yeah, they had their wild days back in the day. It wasn’t unusual to find a prosthetic limbs here and there lying around, underwear, one shoe or one sock that didn’t belong to either of them, you name it.

Second, he seriously doubted that said poor girl would walk home in nothing but her underwear, leaving her entire dress in their tour bus. Maybe unless she stole someone else’s clothes beforehand, he briefly thought. But even then, why would she wear something that looked like it was straight out of a bad, cheesy porno?

“Why do I always fall for this?” Oliver mumbled before he walked away to go back to whatever spot he was hiding at before.

“No wonder, you’re still a ten-year-old at heart,” Flake commented. Whether it was meant for Olli or Till, Christoph couldn’t tell.

“Don’t you think it looks far too new and unused for it to be forgotten here by some girl?” Richard asked skeptically.

He was right, the dress did look like it was fresh from a store, definitely not like it had been forgotten and scrunched up in some dirty corner of their bus.

“What do I know, it’s been back in that box,” Till pointed his thumb somewhere behind him.

Yeah, _that_ box. It contained mostly sports equipment for the days when they had nothing to do and needed to burn some energy on the tour. It had proven to be a good idea over the years. Still, the dress would have to smell terribly if it was sitting in that box since their last tour. And Christoph couldn’t smell anything from where he was standing, which was suspicious, to say the least.

“Liar,” Flake pushed the glasses up his nose. “I don’t know how you got your hands on this dress, but it definitely wasn’t in the box.”

“Yes it was.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Yes, it-“

“Fuck you two,” Paul threw his hands up in the air. “Are you planning on dressing up in it or what?” he asked their singer.

Till stared at him with a slight confusion, not knowing how he should respond. But then an idea crossed his mind and Christoph already knew he wouldn’t like it, based on the glints of mischief in Till’s eyes.

“No way, I can’t fit in it. But hey, look at Richard, being all fit for the tour,” he laughed.

“Oh fuck you, Lindemann,” Richard folded his arms over his chest in defiance. “I’m not dressing in anything ever again. Landers hasn’t paid me these twenty euros like he promised he would,” he pursed his lips.

“I thought that our endless awe and admiration were enough of a payback for your ego,” Paul poked Richard in the ribs.

“Shut up Paulchen,” Richard swatted his hand away. “You still owe me.”

Truth was, that their awe and praises were enough of a gratification. Richard didn’t want money, they weren’t important. But he starved without appreciation and constant reassurance that he’s good enough, that he’s loved and needed. The past couple weeks were lonelier than he’d like to admit and Till seemed to sense it like a goddamn blood hound.

“But just imagine it,” Till begun. “Do you remember how stunning Richard looked in that red dress from Du Riechst so Gut? And that dress did only a little justice to his legs,” he gave their guitarist a luscious once-over.

It was distasteful how openly was Till drooling over Richard and how cheaply he started waxing poetry over his body _again_. Christoph didn’t like any of it the least bit.

“Shut up,” Richard repeated himself, only this time there was a hint of blush creeping up his neck.

That was it for Christoph, he knew that this would continue until their singer got what he wanted from Richard. And the drummer wasn’t in the mood for finding out what exactly it was Till wanted from Richard this time. He thought that the last time in the warehouse was obvious enough.

“You can do way better than that,” Christoph muttered as he passed Richard on his way out. It felt too much like Till was just taking advantage of the state Richard was in.

Or maybe he didn’t know how things were with Richard.

Till was good at noticing only the things that served him for a greater purpose. So him behaving like a lustful creep would make sense, Christoph reasoned. If Till knew Richard liked his ego stroked, why wouldn’t he just do it to get what he wanted? Maybe he really didn’t have a clue that Richard was fighting with depressions and low self-esteem. Whatever his superior motives were, Christoph hoped that it wouldn’t hurt Richard in any way.

The drummer walked to the front of the bus, rage still strong in his system. He settled at one of the seats at the very front of the bus, just so he could spend his time looking outside the window and try to ignore the voices from behind him.

“Seriously, Richard. It isn’t shameful to wear dresses if you look so damn good in them,” Till kept on convincing their guitarist.

“I don’t know, Till. I think the last time was enough.”

“I’m not forcing you. Just saying you’d look amazing.”

That was a plain lie. Christoph knew how it looked when Till was pushing people around like chess pieces. He was good at it. Putting the slightest amount of pressure at the right time and at the right place, leading and waltzing people to his liking. It was rare for him to do this said thing. Or perhaps – he was so good at it that Christoph ceased to realize any of it.

“You know what? We should forget about it,” Till suddenly said.

“Yeah, that’d be for the best. One time was enough,” Richard said in a somewhat relieved voice.

So just like that they went on with their day. It was another fresh start, another adventure. Beginnings of their tours were always the best part of it, in Christoph’s opinion. They weren’t on each other’s nerves and no-one has threatened to kill a fellow bandmate, yet. Hell, nobody could be even remotely bothered by Paul’s yammering, not even Schneider. He kind of missed that damned chatter box of his.

The air was full of chill and excitement this early into a new journey. Which would last approximately for about two weeks, until Richard would start throwing tantrums and Paul would get literally on everybody’s nerves with his goddamn constant chatting and cheering. Life on the road wasn’t always about games and drinking.

Most of the time it was about how to shut Paul up with most efficiency. Christoph liked to see how creative he could get it in. Food worked just fine, but that became boring after a while. And it usually served only to annoy the hell out of Christoph, since Olli was way better at this game. Last time Olli challenged Paul to bite down on a caramel candy. So of course, Paul being Paul, excited as a child, jumped the bait and bit down as hard as he could. Only to have his teeth glued together by the thick caramel with no way to go back. Olli almost laughed his ass off when he saw the horror in Paul’s eyes.

“If you don’t want to pull out the fillings in your teeth, I wouldn’t try to unstuck it,” Olli gave him a good advice and watched as poor Paul struggled to get the candy off of his teeth. Needless to say that Paul kept his mouth shut for a good amount of two hours.

You see, most people pegged their bassist as a quiet, calm man. Which he definitely was, there was no denying in that. Always wise and composed, Olli was the glue all six of them needed to stay put together.

But he was also maybe the worst prankster and easily the funniest one, when nobody was looking. Christoph was often amazed, how hilarious could Olli get. He would eat an entire paper towel at a gas station’s dirty bathroom just for shit and giggles. Christoph could hardly compete against that, even if Paul would want to suggest otherwise.

Traveling with these six weirdos, some of which were undergoing a middle-life crisis, was still pain in the ass, Christoph thought. But it was also worth it for the experience they got to live through.

Even if Christoph worried that Till might take advantage of Richard and hurt him. Or that Paul would end up with a broken nose for his constant annoying of another human beings. In the end it was good they all ended up together.

The drummer got lost in his thinking about their past tours and the present one. He spaced out on the outside world until Richard startled him back into reality.

“Thinking much, I see,” Richard flopped down next to him. It wasn’t like him to get chatty on the bus.

“Talking much today, aren’t we?” Christoph shot back.

Richard bit back a laugh and made himself comfortable in the seat.

“Don’t fancy yourself, Schneider. You know this won’t last.”

He was right. The older they were, it was somewhat harder and harder still to stay crammed together into tiny places. They got used to their own personal spaces way too much. Living with five more people in a small bus didn’t exactly help their _six egos big_ issue. Sometimes Christoph missed the old times when they were still struggling to make it. They would get drunk as lords, break things, fuck people… who cared what they did. And if Christoph stared a little longer at Richard’s lips back then, he could always blame it on some shit he took that day. Nobody would accuse him of anything.

“So what was that all about? The dress and Till practically begging you to wear it?” Christoph asked. He had to know, because damn, was he curious what Richard thought about the whole thing.

“You know that kinky bastard,” Richard snorted. “Who knows what is he up to?”

Christoph wanted to warn Richard, but he knew it would just sound like he was spreading rumors about Till. Besides, he could be wrong about the whole thing.

“Well, he was right about one thing,” Christoph looked out the window, feeling the bravery leaving him. _Don’t be a pussy Schneider._ “You did look amazing in that red dress,” he trailed.

Richard laughed next to him and shuffled around, presumably to get more comfortable next to Christoph.

“Yeah, and you were the best damn dancing partner I’ve ever had,” he said with last remains of laughter coloring his voice. It lacked any sarcasm or edge, so Christoph only assumed Richard was being honest.

“You weren’t bad yourself. I didn’t know that anyone in the band knew how to dance.”

Richard punched him in the shoulder.

“Ouch, that hurt, Kruspe!”

“That was for thinking I’m a fucking idiot who cannot carry a tune while dancing!” Richard said with a fake pissy tone.

“Oh, you know what they say about guys being good at dancing…” Christoph teased him even further. “It was only fair to assume you all sucked,” he shrugged.

“You little shit,” Richard laughed and jabbed the drummer in ribs, which only resulted in more laughter.

“Just so you know,” Richard leaned close to Christoph’s ear and whispered in his sweetest, most seductive tone. “I’m pretty good in bed,” he purred. “And in dancing.”

Christoph felt a hot wave flash over him, going straight to his dick. He had so many inappropriate ideas about Richard being good in bed. But now wasn’t the right time to do this, so he quickly transferred his thoughts to a less sexy place. _Drum kits, think about drum kits. Yeah, they’ll do._ When he was sure it was safe to reply, he quickly made up a cheesy and half-witty comeback to Richard’s teasing. It was only fair to tease back, right?

“Well, I guess I’ll have to test it then… can’t rely on the dancing part being true from experience and then make a quick assumption about your bed skills, right?”

Richard chuckled, mirth and glee mixed in his eyes. He held Christoph’s gaze for a while before he stood up. “As you said, Schneider. You will have to find out,” he winked at him and left.

_Goddamn diva._

Paul was starting to rub off on his behavior. Because that eyewink? Yeah, totally something Paul would do after making someone sport a semi hard in public.

 _Yes, and Paul would also jerk off in a room full of sleeping people._ Not a good example.

The evening rolled around and after not very healthy dinner at the nearest stop the band gathered in what could be identified as a common area in the bus. They started with playing poker while occasionally sipping on fine whisky. Flake was losing miserably while Paul had his lucky hand that night. Christoph stopped himself before he could make that thought into a dirty joke and say it out loud. Only that minutes later Olli said what he’s been thinking the whole time.

“Paulchen, you have such a good hand tonight!” Olli said sarcastically.

“I know, right?” he laughed. “Better go sleep with your earplugs tonight. ‘Cause I feel like my hand is going to be lucky for a long time today.”

“Oh gross!” Flake punched him in the shoulder. “I thought you stopped when we moved out of that flat in Berlin!”

“Come on, Paul has always been a little wanker,” Till said in a stone-cold face and everybody erupted in hysterical laughter.

“No! That’s not true!” Paul cussed, but nobody listened to him anyway. “I hate you, Lindemann!”

They kept drinking and playing games, occasionally even singing some silly songs from their childhood. At some point during the night when they were all beyond tipsy, Till started getting dangerously close to where Richard was sitting. Christoph knew because he kept an eye on Richard the whole time, like he always would.

“Say, why don’t you show off your pretty legs more often?” Till started a casual conversation with Richard. His words were slurred from the alcohol, despite the fact that he wasn’t drinking too much like he normally would.

“Why would I do that?” Richard giggled, playing the adorable note.

“So I could adore the precision your body was carved with,” Till was looking at Richard with adoration, which was something Richard not only liked, but also wanted.

“Oh come on, stop that!”

“Hush, let me talk,” he placed a finger on Richard’s lips, which made Christoph’s skin crawl. “When I saw you in that red dress, I wanted to get down on my knees and worship you. I wanted to adore you and show you how much perfect you are…”

Christoph didn’t hear any more of it. The room went silent in his head. The noise, the vision, the space and time were replaced with a static buzzing. _You got married, I lost you._

“Your chest, Richard, looked so toned and tanned in that dress!” Till’s voice echoed from the statics.

The drummer felt like the world was slipping from beneath his feet. It was like a free fall he couldn’t stop, resembling a nightmare where one watches their own body being thrown into an abyss. Till was so smooth with Richard and Richard let him. He let him be his drunk, charming self and talk all the sweet things to him. _Now I’m losing you again._

“Schnei? … Schneider? … Christoph, are you alright? … Chris!” a sharp pain on his cheek brought back both his vision and his hearing. It stung like a motherfucker.

“For fuck’s sake?” he hissed with pain and rubbed his face. Paul really knew how to get the attention.

“You were totally blacked out, man,” Paul already had that apologizing tone and expression going on. “I was worried, you were really pale and didn’t react for at least two minutes,” he inspected that Christoph was physically okay and that the slap didn’t cause any serious damage. He kept touching his hair and his face while he had that guilty look on his face.

“I’m fine, really, Paul,” he assured his friend. He could never stay mad at him. Paul was so ridiculously warm-hearted that it was impossible.

“But if you feel sick, tell me, okay? We can go away to get you some fresh air or something.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks,” he gave his friend a smile and slumped further into his seat.

Richard was missing when he dared to look the direction the guitarist had been sitting previously. He went to bed, probably. Good thing was that Till was there too, talking to Flake about something that seemed to be a rather serious issue. It calmed down Christoph’s tousled nerves a bit. Maybe he was overreacting, after all. Richard was a grown up and he was capable of taking care of himself, right?

Christoph resumed his conversation with Olli and Paul about the importance of pop culture knowledge and how they were lost with the youngest generation’s vocabulary. The evening went back to normal and Christoph almost forgot what the fuzz was all about.

Until _he_ walked back in.

It was the worst movie cliché Christoph could ever think of. The slow-mo entrance, the time stopped the moment he laid his eyes on Richard… But it was also the hottest thing he had seen up to that day. He was beyond screwed.

Richard had that stupid, idiotic pink dress on. He was barefoot with the slightest blush dancing across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. The fabric of the dress was too short and it showed his long legs in all glory, along with the bottom hem of his black Emigrate boxers. _Classy, Kruspe._ The cut of the dress was obviously designed for a girl with much smaller frame than Richard, and not only because it was indecently short, but also because it nearly showed off his nipples. The way the pink fabric stretched over his peck should be illegal, Christoph thought.

The others cheered and laughed when they saw Richard and it felt distant to the drummer. All those feelings from the warehouse surged back up after he spent months burring them down under.

Of all the colors there were, Christoph would’ve never guessed that Richard would look his best in baby pink and white. He was delicious from head to toe and it offended Christoph that the others got to see him like that. If anyone would get to see Richard like this, it should be Christoph. He had already shared a dance with Richard, which was weirdly the most intimate thing they’d done together.

Why this time should be any different?

Christoph wanted to treat Richard right, like he deserved to. Sweep him off his feet, admire his beauty and place warm kisses all over his body. Pay attention to every little detail and let him know he is worth so much more.

“What a pretty baby,” Paul cooed at Richard and slapped his ass as soon as the guitarist walked closer.

Richard blushed and bit his lower lip, absolutely abashed and cute. Christoph couldn’t get enough of that sight in front of him, he wanted to touch and taste him. Had to know if this was for real or if it was just a dream.

“Come here, beautiful,” Till stretched out his hand to Richard.

It hurt, knowing that Till had played his game well and now he got Richard where he wanted him to be. It also hurt because Christoph had feelings for Richard that were far stronger than just the initial physical attraction. He fully expected Richard to listen to Till and fully comply. But to his absolute surprise Richard ignored their singer and reached for his abandoned drink instead.

“Seriously, I don’t even know why I’m doing this,” he shook his head before downing the rest of the glass.

“Well, that’s easy. You’re one hell of an exhibitionist,” Flake said dryly. The other guys fell silent as they awaited any kind of reaction from Richard. Nobody had ever called him out on his exhibitionism before. The silence was heavy and Richard didn’t seem to have good enough comeback to Flake, since he kept staring into his empty glass.

“Maybe he is, but look at how hot he is,” Till broke the silence and kept looking at Richard with insatiable hunger in his eyes, ready to pounce on his prey.

The conversations soon turned loud and happy again and Richard found his place squeezed between Christoph and Paul, of all people. He was fairly drunk, his movements became uncoordinated and sloppy. But he was so warm and pliant next to Christoph that he didn’t care the least bit if Richard kept hitting him with his flailing hands. He finally stopped when he snuggled close to the drummer and rested his head on his shoulder.

“You smell so nice, Chris,” Richard snuggled even closer and placed a small kiss on Christoph’s neck. It was enough to send electricity through his whole body. He found himself sneaking a hand around Richard’s waist to hold him close to his side.

“Oh look at them, how sweet!” Paul tutted.

“Are you really not going to do anything when you have Richard dressed up like that?” Till caught Christoph’s eyes and held his gaze.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Christoph heard himself ask.

“Shhh, let me,” Richard mumbled and before Christoph could voice out any protests, the guitarist was straddling him, making a show for the others.

He swung his hips just _so_ , putting Christoph into an awkward position. _Just don’t get hard, just don’t get hard._

“Jesus, Crissy, are you a virgin or something?” Paul scoffed next to him, presumably referring to why Christoph wasn’t returning the enthusiastic touches from Richard.

“But he’s drunk!” Christoph argued. Besides, he wasn’t one for public displays of affection. And definitely not the one for public dry humping. Which wasn’t enough for Paul, who put Christoph’s hands on Richard’s ass.

“There you go. You’re welcome, Christoph,” he laughed along with the others.

It was wrong on so many levels, but also good. It felt like it belonged – Richard there on his lap, Christoph holding him close, showing him how to move to make it good. Richard keened nicely above him, lacing his fingers behind Christoph’s neck and tangling them in the hair at the nape of his neck.

“See, nothing wrong with this,” Richard whispered to his ear, brushing his lips over the sensitive skin there.

“Mmm, just keep doing this,” Christoph replied, his own voice out of breath. So this was what it felt like to have Richard close and worked up. He had flushed cheeks and kept making circling motions with his hips. Christoph was almost sure he felt Richard’s erection against his.

“God, you feel so good, doll,” Christoph panted and squeezed Richard’s butt in his hands, which only made the man in his arms moan beautifully.

“Isn’t he gorgeous in that pink dress?” somebody said and Chirstoph couldn’t care less about the others at the moment.

“Didn’t I tell you I’m good in bed?” Richard purred obscenely, his hot breath tickled Christoph on the cheek.

“You still haven’t proved anything, Kruspe,” Christoph teased right back, keeping his voice low on purpose, so the others wouldn’t hear him.

Without another word, Richard pressed his hips harder against Christoph’s. At the same time he started placing open mouthed kisses up his neck, nipping and biting the flesh there, leaving pricking sensation behind. Christoph barely bit back the moans and pleased sighs that were threatening to escape his mouth. Richard was way too good at this. There was no point in pretending he didn’t turn Christoph on.

“Don’t be mean, Schneider, share with us!” it was Till this time.

Christoph wanted to throw something at him, because thanks to his interruption Richard stopped at his ministrations. The guitarist turned around to face their singer, waiting for his offer.

“I bet I can make you feel even better, Reesh,” he tempted the guitarist.

The alcohol did its magic and before Christoph registered it, his body was cold and absent from Richard’s heated and pliant presence. The drummer pointedly refused to look where Richard was now. He felt the worst surge of jealousy rising in his throat like a bile. He had never felt so possessive about Richard before, not even when he got married. Maybe because he knew he had no right over Richard then.

But now it felt different. Richard was his for that very short amount of time. And Christoph didn’t want anything else than to keep it that way. Knowing that Till had his hands all over Richard only made his stomach flip and his heart clench.

“Till, stop stripping me!” Richard giggled like a school girl with that fake offended tone in his voice.

“Here, drink up,” Paul pushed a glass of whisky to him. He didn’t say anything else and Christoph was once again glad for his best friend to be there when he needed him.

“Thanks,” he grabbed the glass and drank it in one go.

After that he didn’t remember much from the evening. He kept drinking just to blur out the fact that Richard was enjoying himself with somebody else. Keening and moaning and being all gorgeous in that dress. He didn’t care that he’d regret his drinking decisions severely the next morning. He needed to forget.

Little did he know that this wouldn’t be the last night Richard put on a slutty costume for show. Or that in the future it would get so much worse than just lap dances and heavy grinding. He never even dreamt of watching Richard get disgraced, used and humiliated by his friends. But he knew he played a part in the whole thing and he was as much to blame as the others for the turn of events. He should’ve done something when it still was possible. Hell, even declare his feelings in front of everybody, if that was all it would take to change things for better.

But all the chances he had were long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And remember kids, don't bite down on caramel candy!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I go again :D This chapter is longer than usual, you'll find out why soon ;D  
> Other than that - please enjoy <3

„I’ll meet you down at the lobby, alright?” Christoph casted one last look towards Richard.

“Yeah, yeah, meet you there,” he waved his hand in the air, not really paying attention to the drummer.

Christoph went out the door with a sigh. Richard was closed-off again, he had barely looked at Christoph when he left. It was probably because they were about to leave the town and hit the road again. Which meant facing Till for the first time since the night of the incident.

The wounds on Richard’s flesh were still raw, covered by flimsy scabs.

One bad movement and they’d _rip_.

Causing small beads of blood to appear at the points of rupture. All the wounds were decorated with ugly bruises of various shades – purple to red and fading out to yellow at the very edges. The leather burn around his neck was colored as well, that’s why Richard opted for a turtleneck he borrowed from Paul. The sleeves were ridiculously short, so Richard had to pull them all the way up to his elbows in order to make it appear less suspicious.

Christoph was never more grateful for Paul’s small frame.

Richard looked stunning, if you asked him. The way the black cotton material hugged his chest was borderline sinful. Pair that with fitted dark sweatpants and you just got yourself the ultimate recipe for an awkward boner. Needless to say that the soft fabric of Richard’s sweatpants clung to his ass almost like a second skin. It was very distracting, _mind you._ And don’t even start Christoph on those forearms.

At first Christoph was slightly concerned about Richard’s wellbeing, what with the fitted material of his sweatpants. However Richard didn’t look like he was in pain, so the thoughts quickly discarded.

Those damn forearms, though. They were the only part of Richard’s skin that was exposed. It got Christoph excited a lot more than he liked to admit to himself.

Half an hour later, the drummer was still thinking about how good Richard looked. Of course the guitarist was constantly bitching about the scratchy tight fabric around his neck, but it was easy to ignore. Richard was always bitching about something. Everybody got used to it years ago.

Christoph almost forgot his toiletries in bathroom while he was packing. The mental picture of Richard strutting around in that body-hugging attire was burned into his retinas and it was all very thought-provoking.

_Concentrate, Schneider!_

“Think I can talk to you?”

Christoph jumped up at the unexpected voice. It only made the man behind him laugh.

“Paul! You can’t creep up on people like that!” Christoph clutched his heart that was racing like crazy in his chest.

“Sorry, didn’t realize you were so far gone,” he smiled. It was evident he wasn’t sorry at all. “We need to talk, though,” he added in a more serious tone.

“Yeah, I know. Just let me put this into the suitcase and we can talk,” Christoph nodded towards his room.

“I tried to think about this whole thing, you know,” Paul started as he went on to sit on Christoph’s unmade bed. “Till fucked up real bad and one apology won’t fix it.”

“You’re damn well right it won’t,” Christoph agreed. “He hurt Richard almost to a point of breaking him, we were lucky it didn’t require any medical attention. Can you imagine the headlines?” he shook his head. The headlines were the least important issue on his long list of things Till has caused by his behavior. But he knew it was something the band cared about a lot.

They had a pretty shitty situation on their hands and they had to deal with it now. Christoph sat down next to his friend and looked at him with hope. Paul was good at solving problems. Well, most of the time anyway.

“For now we can’t let these two near each other, that’s for sure,” Paul sighed and rubbed his face.

“But we are playing a show tonight…”

“Exactly,” Paul looked at him. “What if Richard flips when he sees Till? I mean, I wouldn’t blame him, that motherfucker nearly choked him to death.”

“I can talk to Richard, see how he feels,” Christoph started slowly.

He had _nothing_. No idea how to approach the situation or how to handle it. They both fell into a silence that stretched for minutes. It felt like days.

“You know, I haven’t had a chance to say it yet, but I’m sorry,” Paul looked at his friend suddenly and placed his hand on Christoph’s shoulder. “We ruined your birthday, it wasn’t supposed to go like that,” his eyes had gone soft, the small wrinkles around his eyes smoothed out. It seemed like he wanted to say more, but thought better of it.

“I appreciate it, Paulchen,” Christoph smiled at him. He knew that it was just their luck how things went to shit. But they had it coming. It wasn’t that big of a surprise, really.

“So what about tonight’s show? We can’t cancel and we don’t have a substitute for Richard,” Paul steered the conversation back to the topic.

“Richard is a tough guy. I think he’ll be able to play tonight, you know, with some painkillers and hatred to help him go through it. But as you said, he might lose it the moment he sees Till,” Christoph voiced his thoughts. He knew Richard. That man had played shows even in times he was in extreme pain, even when he was drowning himself in depression.

Yet he knew this was different. Neither of them could know how Richard really felt about the whole situation.

If they got to a point where they’d have to cancel a show because of a personal issue between the band members, it would be a new low for all of them. They were through worse before in the matter of holding together. They almost split up because of the Mutter video, which was _so_ childish, looking back.

This issue, however, was far worse.

It was more delicate, more painful and more difficult to deal with. If the issue got exposed to the press, they’d have a certified disaster on their hands. Christoph knew what the press was capable of. They could tear the band apart to a point of no return. And while they were knee deep in shit right now, they could still deal with it. Just the six of them and nobody else.

“So let’s say we pull through tonight just fine. What do we do then? We can’t just let it slip like nothing happened,” Paul reasoned.

“Till should apologize and make up for everything he had done wrong. And preferably never touch Richard again… or at least keep his distance for a good while,” Christoph mused. “But we sure shouldn’t be deciding this for Richard.”

“You’re right,” Paul stood up and patted his friend on the back. “Will you talk to him? I’ll make sure to get Till into the bus before you two make appearance.”

“Fine, just make sure they won’t see each other just yet, okay?”

“Got it,” Paul smiled and left the room.

They didn’t solve anything, Christoph thought. They only prolonged the inevitable.

 

* * *

 

The hour of departure came close and after Christoph carried all his luggage to the bus, he went to get Richard.

“Richard? Can I come in?” he knocked on the door.

“Suuuure!” came a way too loud and slurred answer. Not good.

“Richard?” Christoph went into the room and to his absolute horror he found out that Richard got a little too friendly with the hotel’s minibar.

“Happy to see me?” he pursed his lips like a bratty child.

“You are drunk before noon?” Christoph held back any pissed comments about the fact that they were supposed to be playing that night and that it was highly unprofessional to get wasted before work. He kept in mind that Richard was going through a lot of stuff in his head and probably failed to process it all at once.

“Come on, I’m not that drunk. Who the hell could get drunk on this little?”

“Fair point,” Christoph shook his head. “The bus is waiting in front of the hotel, so I came to get you,” he trailed as he looked around. Richard had packed everything, which was a plus. But he didn’t seem too enthusiastic to leave.

“I…,” Richard started and then paused. He worried on the hem of his sweater, picking at a loose thread. “Is there a way… like… y-you know,” he kept looking down on his hands. He was nervous and didn’t know how to approach the subject, but Christoph saw where he was going with it.

“You won’t see him the whole time, I promise, okay?” he assured Richard.

“Really?” the smaller man looked up. The alcohol made his eyes glassy and they looked impossibly big.

“Yes, just like I promised you I wouldn’t go anywhere last night,” Christoph gave him a soft smile and reached out for Richard’s hand. The guitarist allowed the fleeting touch, even went as far as leaning into it a little. “I talked to the others, they won’t let the two of you see each other,” he explained.

It took some more convincing, but eventually Richard caved in. They got onto the bus and decided to stay at the front. Richard was still too hurt to sit comfortably, so he asked Christoph if it was okay for him to lie down.

How could he ever say no?

They ended up at the largest seats with a nice view outside the window. Christoph sat down first and put a pillow to his lap, so Richard could get more rest. As soon as the guitarist snuggled to him, Christoph tangled his fingers through those silky black hair. He had Richard purring like a cat within seconds.

He was warm and soft against him and so responsive to every little touch. Christoph was surprised that Richard let him be so close and intimate so soon after… after what happened. It was possible he was reading too much into it as well. Friends were close, right?

“How do you feel about tonight?” he stroked Richard’s hair with one hand and kept the other on his hip.

“I don’t want to play…” Richard sighed. “But I know we can’t afford that. It’d cost too much money,” his voice was quiet and strained with emotion.

“Maybe we could do something,” Christoph tried. Even if he knew very well it was a plain lie.

“No, no,” Richard dismissed him quickly.

The guitarist reached for Christoph’s hand that was resting on his hips and entwined their fingers together. The gesture was slow, almost languid. It was filled with longing and care that Christoph couldn’t believe how intimate it felt. He brushed his thumb over Richard’s and was content to hold him for the rest of the day.

“I… just don’t let him near me, I’ll be fine,” the guitarist finally said.

“Are you sure?”

Richard didn’t reply, instead he buried his face into the pillow on Christoph’s lap. The drummer was clueless as of what he should do or say to make things better. He was well aware that it would need time. A lot of time, to be specific. But right now Christoph wouldn’t waste any small fix that could help them to survive another day.

“Playing is a form of therapy,” Richard shrugged eventually. He didn’t let go of Christoph’s hand, but he also didn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride.

Christoph understood, in a way. Some things weren’t easy to talk about. Richard would probably first need some time to process everything that was happening inside his own head, before he’d approach anybody else. Besides he was right. Playing on stage was a sort of therapy for all of them.

They got to be the great tough rock stars up there. They were allowed to be emotional through their music and put every single fiber of their beings into it. They got to be whoever they chose to be during their show. It’d leave them sore at the end, but also happy and momentarily relieved.

They arrived to the venue just in time for the sound check. The tension in the band was thick like a morning fog and it left that sticky damp feeling all over their skin. Richard kept smoking one cigarette after the other. Paul was walking aimlessly in circles, Christoph was drumming with his drum sticks against his pants and nobody could find Till.

“I’ll get him, start without us,” Flake said and jumped down from his keyboard where he was biting his already short nails.

The sound check was just the same old drill they’ve gone through million times before. Boring, but necessary for the show to go smoothly in the evening.

Christoph kept watching the rest of the band from behind his drums. Olli was standing closest to him and even he seemed a little nervous. Richard was pacing at the far corner of stage, scratching absent-mindedly at his forearm. That turtleneck and sweatpants worked for him far better than anything Christoph had seen him wearing lately.

At one point during the sound check Paul approached Richard and told him something that Christoph couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it cracked Richard up and made him laugh at the smaller man. It was good seeing him smile like that again.

Richard shot a quick glance towards the drummer. When he saw that Christoph was watching him, his smile turned just a tad shy. Christoph could swear he saw a blush on Richard’s cheeks. But before he could know for sure, Richard had turned around and walked back to his mic.

Just as they were wrapping up the sound check, Till and Flake came back to do theirs. Richard was already leaving, so he barely paid any attention to them. Christoph followed soon after, not bothering to talk to Till at all.

 

* * *

It was a show time.

Richard had his own dressing room while the rest of the guys got ready in the other one. Olli was painting himself white with a wide brush, which looked just as comical as every time he did it. Paul kept adding mixing liquid into an expensive bronzer to create the effect of dried blood and dirt on his preciously white Berlinish skin. He even helped Christoph, like he always would. Painting other people was one of Paul’s favorite activities.

It was ridiculous how many things in common Paul had with an actual five-year-old.

“Think you should check up with our diva,” Olli leaned to Christoph when the time was coming close to the actual show.

“Right, I’m on it,” he nodded.

His costume was in place, the eyeliner, the fake blood and make-up… his hair was done with precision, drum sticks in his back pocket. He took a deep breath in and went to get Richard. Till didn’t speak the whole time they were in the dressing room. The man looked tired and devastated, just as much as he probably deserved for what he’d done. Christoph just hoped that Richard was in a better mood.

“Richard? You ready to go on stage?” Christoph asked as he walked into the room.

He couldn’t see the guitarist at first, but then he noticed he was sitting by the table with various make-up tools scattered around.

“Give me couple more minutes, this thing is pain in the ass to cover.”

It looked like he was trying to mask up the burn and bruises on his neck. But by the looks of it he was mostly done, it was just his perfectionist paranoia that it wasn’t good enough.

“You look great,” Christoph told him and sat across from him on a small couch.

“Well, that is flattering coming from a man clad in golden sequins,” Richard chuckled. He sprayed his neck with setting spray and waited for it to dry completely.

“You love my golden sequins, don’t lie,” Christoph shot right back. He liked these little bickers with Richard.

“True. Not everybody can pull it off like you do,” he smiled and tilted his head to the side, giving Christoph a lazy once-over.

“Don’t forget to send flowers to my sister, it’s her fault,” she always had a way to revenge something he had done to her years ago in a form of punishing stage outfit. Although he had to give it to her, the large golden sequins looked good on stage and the whole outfit had grown on him.

“What makes you think it was your sister’s idea?” Richard had an amused smile dancing on his lips.

“Wait, what?”

The guitarist was laughing by then at how clueless Christoph was. He stood up and offered one hand to the drummer to help him back up.

“It was actually Paul who suggested it to her,” he said. “And I couldn’t agree more. The gold makes your eyes look amazing.”

Christoph felt his breath catch in his throat. They were standing close and he could feel the heat coming from Richard’s body, mixed with the exotic smell of his perfume and cigarettes.

“Had I known you liked me dressed in golden glitter, I would put it on more often,” Christoph joked and it actually made Richard huff a half-hearted laugh.

“Oh, but I have no complaints when you take it off,” the guitarist purred and stepped closer to him, so their chests were touching.

“Hey guys, it’s time to go,” Olli poked his head inside, causing both Christoph and Richard to jump away from each other.

Olli casted them both an amused look before disappearing back into the corridor. Christoph sighed and gave a small smile to Richard.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Beyond ready,” he smiled.

They walked on stage, Christoph and Olli being the first ones and then the rest with all the glory and pyro. As soon as Christoph sat down behind his drum kit, he felt the familiar rush of adrenaline surging through his veins. He needed that extra push to get going, to give everything he had. The frustration, the pain, the anger – all of it gone in the motion of drumming and loud music.

The energy and excitement were so strong that night. Christoph could almost taste the electricity with every hit of his drumstick against the membrane of his drums. It was better than any workout in the gym. Even Richard seemed more into his playing than he usually was. He interacted with Paul a lot, carefully avoiding Till in his steps.

Despite their worst expectations, the show turned out amazing. The six of them exhausted and happy. Some of the tension and hatred were left behind on the stage. Which didn’t mean there weren’t any problems left to solve.

When they were leaving their final farewells to the audience, Christoph couldn’t miss the heated looks Richard was giving him from the other side of the stage. And no, this time he wasn’t imagining any of it.

As they went through the long corridors of the stadium they were playing at, Richard made sure to walk directly behind Christoph. The drummer felt like he was the prey being stalked. And Christoph loved that bitter taste of chase on his tongue.

Just as everybody piled into the dressing room, Christoph felt someone grabbing his hand and dragging him to the other dressing room. As soon as the door was shut, Christoph got shoved right against it with a forceful push. It knocked the air out of his lungs. The burn from the contact was deliciously painful.

Before Christoph could say anything else Richard was glued to him, attacking his mouth with hot kisses.

Christoph whined at the forced contact, he wanted it so bad. He was starved for heated touches and sloppy kisses. He grabbed a handful of Richard’s hair and squeezed them in his hand, making it sting delightfully. Richard bit down on his lower lip in answer, pushing himself even further against Christoph’s body.

Richard fucking _knew_ how to kiss.

Christoph held tightly onto the vest of Richard’s outfit. He was sure that if he didn’t, he’d get lost. He couldn’t get enough of Richard pressed so closely to him. Not enough of his thick scent, his heat, his intoxicating taste.

It was addictive, the way their lips fit together and how good Richard tasted. They were both grabbing on the fabric of their costumes with desperation. Eager to get it _off._

“Fucking sequins,” Richard hissed when he pushed his hands under Christoph’s golden attire and found out that the little plates were scratchy and not nice to touch at all.

“You love them,” Christoph said absently as he unbuttoned Richard’s vest, happy to see the naked tanned skin. He trailed kisses down Richard’s neck, careful to go light over his injury. He sucked a small bruises at the base of his neck, which made Richard whine and keen like a little slut.

The smaller man raked his fingers up Christoph’s sides, dragging the golden sequin shirt up. It scratched nicely against his overheated skin and Christoph was almost sure that Richard also used his short nails for that extra friction.

“I’ll love it even more when it’s off of you,” Richard pulled it up the rest of the way and Christoph complied happily.

He pushed Richard’s vest down his shoulders, satisfied when it was thrown on the floor.

“Damn, I want you, Schneider,” Richard moaned into his mouth, his hands making a quick work of his belt and pants.

But the thing… it was way too soon for Christoph. What with Till hurting Richard so badly in front of everybody just couple days ago.

Richard didn’t seem to notice the small hesitation in Christoph’s enthusiasm. He kept rubbing himself against the drummer like a cat, kissing along his neck and jaw, leaving small bites in his wake.

Christoph trailed his hands over Richard’s back, careful to avoid any injuries he might’ve had there. He wanted so desperately to squeeze his pretty butt, hold his hips firmly in his hands and show Richard to whom he belonged. But he knew he couldn’t just yet. Richard was hurt and this could harm him even further.

They should take it slow.

“How about we go and take a shower together?” Christoph offered, taking both Richard’s wrists into his hands and spinning him around, so he was the one with his back to the door. He made sure to be extra careful and pressed him against the door as gently, as he could. He pinned Richard’s wrists over his head with one hand and nuzzled to his cheek, leaving a small kiss under his ear.

“Come on,” Richard drew out impatiently. “I need you,” he thrusted his hips forward, meeting Christoph’s. The drummer bit back a moan when he felt through the stage outfit just how hard Richard was for him.

“And you’re also hurting,” Christoph said softly. He cupped Richard’s face gently with his free hand.

Richard wanted to protest, but was shut up when Christoph rubbed his thumb over his jaw and then over his bottom lip. His mouth fell open involuntarily; eyes clouded with lust and primal need.

“I’m going to take good care of you, Reesh,” he looked him in the eye before he closed the distance between them and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. The smaller man soon relaxed into the sweet touch and succumbed to Christoph’s dominant demeanor.

They moved from the dressing room to the adjoined bathroom while making a trail of clothes along their way. Pants, belts, underwear, boots – it got all left behind, until they were both naked. Not even once they stopped touching or kissing. Their movements were slower now, more pronounced and smooth as they were both enjoying the alone time they got together.

Christoph still couldn’t believe that after all this time it was finally happening. It made his head feel light and dizzy. Richard was there in his arms, willing and malleable and so real.

They stepped into the large shower and turned the warm water on. Not too hot, just right for cooling down after the show. Christoph took the soap and started lathering it against Richard’s chest, washing off all the make-up and smears of dirt. Richard looked up at him, hair already plastered to his face. He looked young in the bad lighting, with water splashing down at his face.

The drummer leaned down to place a kiss down on Richard’s cheek, then on his jaw.

“Kiss me like you mean it, god damn it,” Richard said in an annoyed tone and pushed Christoph against the tiled wall.

“Bossy,” the drummer remarked with a chuckle before Richard silenced him with an open-mouthed kiss.

It was hot and sloppy and full of tongue. Just the right amount of dirty to remind Christoph why he wanted to ravish Richard in the first place.

But Richard didn’t stop there. He littered Christoph’s neck and chest with small bites and hickeys. They would turn a nice shade of purple the next morning for everybody to see. Christoph liked how possessive Richard was at that point. It turned him on beyond anything.

“Now, watch carefully, Chris,” Richard purred into his ear. “Because I’m about to show you just how good I can get,” he whispered and sucked on his earlobe.

Before the drummer could say anything back, Richard was already sinking down to his knees. He kept the eye contact with Christoph for the whole time, making a show of licking his lips while doing so. Of all the times Christoph saw him getting down on his knees, he looked his absolute best right then and there. Gorgeous and delicious. It was only for Christoph to see.

Nobody else could watch Richard like that, it was a private show.

“You look so beautiful, doll,” Christoph pushed the wet hair out of Richard’s face and looked straight into his eyes. They were clear and so blue when Richard opened up his mouth and swallowed down Christoph’s length. The drummer had to squeeze his eyes shut in order not to come right there on the spot.

Richard was good with his mouth, better than Christoph ever imagined. He took his length all the way down to his throat, maintaining the eye contact like a good boy.

The drummer cradled his head in his hands and helped him to set a nice pace. He watched with keen interest as his length disappeared between Richard’s lips over and over again, the head of his cock hitting the back of Richard’s throat. He looked like he loved having his throat fucked like that.

Richard hummed around his cock contently, hollowing his cheeks and making a show of swirling his tongue at the top. He kept looking Christoph in the eye, still so damn confident in his movements.

“Oh, fuck,” Christoph swore when Richard swallowed around him, sending little electric shock through his body. Heat was pooling at the pit of his stomach and his knees threatened to give way.

Richard let Christoph’s length slip from his lips and took him into hand, jerking it in the same pace he bobbed his head previously. He stuck his tongue out, teasing at the underside, which only made Christoph whine in pleasure.

“You taste so good in my mouth,” Richard breathed out. “I could do this all day. Please you whenever you’d want me to,” he keened and stuffed his throat again. Christoph’s vision had gone black for a split second.

He entwined his fingers in Richard’s hair and tugged, knowing he loved things on the rougher edge. That man was going to be the death of him.

“How are you even real?” Christoph moaned and held Richard’s hair firmly in his hand, determined to give him what he really wanted. “With that mouth of yours, so filthy. I’m gonna put it to a better use,” the drummer hissed.

Richard whined at the slurred words and swallowed around Christoph. He was even more enthusiastic than before, putting extra effort into sucking Christoph off like a pro. If there was something that worked like a magic, it was calling Richard names and praising him.

“You like that, right princess? You like it when I talk dirty to you,” Christoph trailed and allowed Richard to move off of his cock to reply.

He looked up from the floor to Christoph, his pupils blown wide with lust.

“Please, p-please Chris,” Richard whined and nuzzled to the hands that were cradling his head. His cheeks were blushed so beautifully and Christoph wanted to remember that picture in front of him forever.

“Get back to your work, doll,” Christoph said in an authoritative voice and nudged Richard’s head back to his crotch. He couldn’t help the little thrust of his hips when Richard wrapped his lips back against him. “Fuck, you were made for this,” he looked down at the man and knew he was close by now. “Made for sucking cock, weren’t you, pretty thing?” he cooed and caressed his cheek.

Richard moaned around the dick in his mouth and set a quicker pace, really working for it.

“If you could see yourself, Reesh,” Christoph held Richard’s chin in his hand, thumb brushing against the place where he disappeared into the wet heat of Richard’s mouth. “You are so pretty on your knees, so good at sucking cock.”

Christoph knew he was close and wanted to warn Richard, but the man on his knees started massaging his balls and it was enough to send Christoph over the edge. He came with Richard’s name on his lips and his hair clutching firmly in his hand.

The orgasm came like a crashing wave. All he could see was Richard and his sinful mouth, taking everything Christoph had to offer.

“Fuck, look at you, swallowing every bit I’m giving you.”

Richard looked up with satiated look on his face, eyes hazy with satisfaction. Christoph helped him back up and held him close as they kissed slowly and lazily under the spray of water. The drummer could still taste himself on Richard’s lips, since he didn’t swallow everything.

Christoph smiled into the kiss and spun them around, so he could rest Richard against the tiled wall and repay the favor.

“Uh, you don’t have to,” Richard stopped him, when Christoph wanted to get down.

The drummer gave him a puzzled look, and followed Richard’s embarrassed look. _Oh._ It took Christoph a second to understand what was going on. But when he did, a devilish smile spread across his lips.

“You enjoyed yourself a lot, didn’t you, princess?” he murmured close to his lips, watching Richard’s features.

The man in his arms was so embarrassed it was adorable. Christoph had probably never seen Richard blush so hard before.

“Hey, look at me,” Christoph took his chin between his index finger and thumb and gently tilted his head. “I’ve never had anyone come from sucking my cock before. It’s hot,” he leaned down and kissed Richard on lips. Just a small, intimate kiss.

“Really?” the guitarist looked up from under his long eyelashes.

“Mmhmm,” Christoph smiled and pressed Richard closer to him. “You were fantastic,” he whispered against his ear and brushed his lips over the skin there, trailing slowly down to his shoulder, where he placed an open-mouthed kiss.

“How about we actually wash ourselves?” Richard chuckled and playfully pushed Christoph off of him.

The drummer didn’t let him go far, still holding on Richard’s hips. He liked to cuddle after being intimate with someone. Richard would have to deal with that.

“Right, we could do that,” Christoph agreed and reached for the shampoo. “Now come closer, time for spoiling,” he beckoned for Richard to come closer.

“All yours,” he purred and let Christoph do whatever he wanted to him.

The hair washing turned into sloppy kissing and hands traveling everywhere. The whole act was weirdly intimate and Christoph didn’t want it to stop, ever. Richard helped him wash his hair in return and get the last bits of make-up from his shoulders and back. It was almost too good to be true.

They were out of the bathroom nearly half an hour later with only towels wrapped around their waists.

“Fucking finally,” an annoyed voice greeted them in the dressing room.

“What the hell Paul? What are you doing here?” Christoph asked, a little defensive. He didn’t want anyone close to Richard. Not when he felt so protective over the younger man. It was their private time, no excuses.

“Well, waiting for your sorry asses so we can head back to the hotel. What were you doing so long in th-“ he cut himself stop. “Okay, never mind, I get it,” he flashed them a knowing smirk. “I’ll wait for you outside.”

“Ten minutes, tops,” Richard told him and started gathering his clothes to change.

Paul was even kind enough to bring back Christoph’s clothes from the other room.

They got dressed in a relative silence, only occasionally asking each other if they saw any of each other’s clothes. Richard threw a smug smile to Christoph when he saw him fasten the leather cuff around his wrist that he got him for his birthday. They packed their stage costumes and put them back into the wardrobe box that was ready by the door.

“Wait, before we’ll have to spend the next hour being interrogated by Paul…” Christoph started and stepped close to Richard. He wore that stupid turtleneck again, his chest was impossibly sculpted in it.

“Yeah?” Richard rose an eyebrow, amused by Christoph’s eye movement.

“Just wanted to…” Christoph trailed and sneaked his arms around Richard’s waist, dragging him closer.

The guitarist smiled at him almost sweetly and wrapped his own hands around Christoph’s neck, allowing him to get pressed chest to chest.

Christoph looked down at Richard’s lips and then back to his eyes. There were small sparkles of mischief playing in them and it was the only invitation the drummer needed. He tilted his head to the side and leaned in the rest of the way. Richard’s lips were plush and almost scorching hot against Christoph’s. Feeling Richard melt against him and resting in his arms felt like home. It was all he wanted it to be and more.

“We better go,” Richard whispered when they parted. Christoph nodded and left a small kiss on Richard’s cheek before they went out the door.

Paul kept throwing them amused glances the whole way out to the bus and didn’t stop on the way to the hotel either. He kept lurking, but didn’t say a word. Christoph was aware that he kept looking at them the whole time, even if he had Richard lying on his lap and was mostly looking outside the window again.

There was something unsettling about Paul not talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Golden sequins, anyone?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before everything - I need to tell you guys that I'm doing a summer internship and it interferes heavily with my desire to write. It was hell to produce this chapter, so I have to ask all of you for patience. I can't thank you enough for your support throughout this story, it means a lot to me <3  
> But please bear with me. I still have one and a half months to go with my internship... and I'll try my best to upload this fic when I can :)  
> Regarding possible mistakes in this story - I read it like hundred times, so by now I'm probably too blinded to see them, so please excuse me :D I'll fix it with time, though, I promise :)

They agreed that they’ve waited long enough.

It was time to move on and do something about their current situation. Namely about the tension between all of them and the fact that Till nearly choked Richard to death. The memory was still fresh in their minds and it hung there like a dark, heavy rain cloud.

Agreeing was one thing. But doing it was an entirely different story.

Nobody really wanted to undergo the painful procedure of talking things out and apologizing. They knew it would be humiliating and awkward for everyone involved. Yet it was the only way they knew how to solve problems. And the only way they could.

They often joked about the band losing its efficiency as a team due to the ridiculous amounts of talking it took them to decide even the smallest of things around the band. A fist fight would’ve been easier, Paul liked to say to the flashing cameras. Unfortunately for him, the only time they got to be physical was during video shoots.

“I would’ve gladly torn apart Richard’s shirt, so that the buttons were flying off. Something like that I would have gladly done,” Paul had said with a smile about the Haifisch video.

He and Richard always had their differences, but it never came to the point where they actually got to unleash the physical violence. _Thank God._ The way Christoph felt about the whole Haifisch video, wasn’t about working out aggression or stress. It was more along the lines of getting back to their childhood, rolling around in grass, laughing and feeling free. What was there left for him to feel anyway? He couldn’t have just ogled Richard the whole day they were shooting the video.

Although he might’ve been caught doing it on more than one occasion. Blame Richard for how good he had looked in that suit. What a shame he kept bragging about the woman with spilling cleavage throughout the whole day. However, Christoph was somewhat glad for the cold slap. It just reminded him a little more that he held no rights over Richard and he should leave him be.

But that was quite some time ago. Christoph shook his head and returned back to the present. They had some talking to do. And it was going to be painful, he knew. So the quicker they do it, the better.

It was shortly after breakfast.

The morning was clear and crisp with the cold air coming from nearby mountains. They gathered in one of the rooms they were staying at. Judging by the mess scattered everywhere, Christoph guessed it was occupied by Olli and Paul.

The six of them piled in one by one, heads bowed down, feet shuffling and hands stuck in their pockets. Like a bunch of convicts attending hearing at the court.

Richard grabbed one of the two chairs in the room and sat in the furthest corner away from Till. He kept looking outside the window and acted like he wasn’t there at all. The burn mark around his neck looked a lot better. He didn’t bother with covering it. Whether it was because Richard truly hated turtle necks or because he wanted the others to feel bad about themselves, Christoph didn’t know.

He had his own bruises to worry about. There weren’t as many, luckily for him, but they still stood out on his throat in a stark contrast to his otherwise smooth skin. He got all sorts of weird looks from the others for it. After all, they should know better than to have bite marks on their necks. They weren’t teenagers anymore.

“Should we begin?” Paul asked when they were sitting in silence for at least ten minutes.

Paul was always the first to crack. His small body contained too much energy and temper for his own good. Christoph watched him from his spot near Richard and if it wasn’t for the gravity of the situation, he’d be amused by Paul’s fidgeting.  

“We can’t just ignore the elephant in the room, for fuck’s sake,” Paul fumed when he got no answer. “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself? Anything?” he turned to Till. He was angry. His small body was shaking with effort to keep his voice down.

It was rare for Paul to be worked up like this.

“Okay,” Till sighed and held his arms up in a giving up gesture.

He stood up and walked all the way over to Richard. Christoph didn’t like it the least bit. His own body tensed up like a string. After all, he had a good reason to feel overprotective of Richard.

This time, Christoph was ready to _act._

As Till walked, his shoulders crouched and turned into his frame. He looked like his own body tried to shrink itself into a human ball. Make himself as small as possible. His eyes and cheeks had sunk deep into his skull; even they were trying to disappear. Their singer looked like _shit_. A sleep deprived drug addict, was what first crossed Christoph’s mind. He almost felt sorry for him.

Till kneeled down in front of Richard.

He slumped down heavily, his large frame shook with the impact of his knees hitting the floor. Everybody was watching, their eyes trained on Till and Richard.

The room felt tiny and crowded, almost claustrophobic. It made Christoph’s skin crawl. Every fiber of his body was tensed, ready to pounce if things got out of control. He knew everyone around him felt it too. The heat of the air, the sweat trickling down and itching at the back of their skulls. All they needed was a trigger to explode.

“You are beautiful, Richard,” Till started.

Christoph scoffed at him with disdain. _How could he!_ After he sweet-talked Richard into being a toy, he just slaps the cheap flattery at his face again? The drummer firmly set his jaw, or else he’d say something he might regret.

“I don’t even deserve you looking at me,” Till was staring down at his hands. His voice was quiet.

He looked like a child that was being scolded for misbehaving. The otherwise tall and strong man suddenly looked weak and beaten as he knelt in front of Richard. The black haired man sitting on the chair held his chin high and proud. It was a mask, Christoph knew. He acted arrogant to protect himself from the harm.

“What I did… I remember that night. I wanted you so bad, all to myself and you weren’t enough. I needed more… More.”

The silence in the room roared.

Christoph saw Richard balling his fists. It was the only sign of anger on his otherwise calm demeanor. He wasn’t looking at Till, his eyes focused on the window.

“There are no words that could possibly make you understand. And no words that could explain how deeply I regret everything I did to you. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. If I co-“

Richard jumped up from the chair and hit Till square in the jaw.

“You sick motherfucker!” he yelled and punched him again.

This time the collision made an ugly, cracking-like noise.

“You aren’t a human being, you’re a monster!” another hit to the face.

Till didn’t fight back. He kneeled still, like a statue waiting to be knocked over. He knew he deserved it. He wanted it.

Richard pushed their singer down on the floor and kicked him into his bad knee. He wanted to hurt Till. Really _hurt_ him. “I hate you! Hate you!” Richard kept screaming.

After Till ended up sprawled on the floor, Richard straight went for it.

“How do you like being choked you little bitch, huh? Does it turn you on?” he had fingers wrapped tightly around Till’s neck and choked him with all his strength.

Everybody in the room was frozen with a wave of adrenalin that was almost scorching. Christoph felt it in his guts. The warmth that pooled in there, the urge to pounce and fight was unbearable. But it wasn’t _his_ fight.

The shock of the situation froze his legs into place. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to. As if his unconsciousness wanted Richard to deal with it on his own.

Till’s body was lying still on the ground.

He let Richard hurt him, he didn’t care anymore. The guitarist was all over him like a tidal wave, wild and untamed. It contrasted sharply with Till’s vacant and drained eyes. There was no life left in them, no will to fight. He would probably let Richard knock him into unconsciousness. Maybe even worse.

There was something about the way that life was suddenly pulsing through Richard with all its glory and might. He was fierce and passionate and completely berserk. Much like a force of nature.

Christoph stood there, mesmerized by the display of power. It turned him on to see Richard fight. Using all his strength and energy to _destroy._

There was blood dripping from Till’s nose and mouth, it stained Richard’s knuckles and hands. His fingers were slipping on Till’s neck when he was strangling him. He did it with such joy that was far from being human. It was cold, calculated and full of hatred.

“Hey, that’s enough, you can’t kill him,” Olli said firmly and started dragging Richard away from Till.

“Leave me alone! I’m not done!” Richard freed one of his hands from Olli’s grip and hit the singer right in the solar. Richard knew how to hit. That much was obvious from the pained face Till made. He still remembered how to play dirty from his days in the wrestling club.

“Jesus Christ, Schneider, would you help me here?” Olli barked at the drummer.

Christoph _enjoyed_ the feral show. He was perverted like that. Seeing all those raw feelings and emotions in front of him was weirdly hypnotizing and arousing at the same time.

But he knew they couldn’t let these two kill each other. Well, more like – they couldn’t let Richard to kill their singer.

Christoph moved from the spot he was glued to. His legs weighted a ton.

He helped Oliver to pull Richard away from Till. The guitarist was stronger than he appeared. It took the two of them and Paul to finally get them apart. Richard was wild and fought back. Every bit of his being was mad and alive and it was unbelievable.

When it was over, Richard curled into Christoph’s arms and sobbed. The fight had left his body. He was drained and exhausted.

He was small and weak in Christoph’s arms.

The drummer kept his arms wrapped around Richard protectively. They were both breathing heavily. He kept rubbing small circles on his back to soothe the smaller man. He saw over Richard’s shoulder that Till was still laying down on the floor. He stared into the ceiling like a dead man. If it wasn’t for his chest rising up and down, Christoph would think that was indeed dead.

Flake crouched on the ground next to Till and checked if he was still conscious and alive. It only caused Christoph to wrap his arms more possessively around Richard. As if Till would rise up any minute and hurt Richard right back.

“So much for the collective therapy,” Christoph heard Paul mutter to his left. It wasn’t meant to be heard by anybody, but Christoph still caught on his soft words.

Everyone in the room was hyper aware of what just happened. The problem they had was far worse than they previously thought. The room was filled with the sound of their ragged breaths and panting. Tearing Richard apart from Till put an unexpected strain to their physique.

Flake helped their singer to sit up and talked to him quietly, so nobody else could hear.

“Just shut your big mouth for once,” Christoph heard him say. Flake rolled his eyes so hard at Till that Christoph was sure they would fall out. “Do you want for this band to split up in the middle of the tour? What’s that? A no? So shut up.”

Flake then stood up and walked to the others.

“If it serves you any justice, you loosened several of Till’s teeth, Richard,” Flake said dryly. His voice lacked any emotion, just like it would in any situation this serious. “I’ll drive him to the nearest dentist so he can make the next show…” he sighed and pushed the glasses up on his nose. When nobody said anything, he turned around to collect their singer.

Him and Till made their way out. It was more than clear that the debate was over.

If what they had before was spilled milk, now they had a fucking oil tanker spill flooding their lives.

“I know it’s too late now,” Oliver walked up to them. He had guilt written all over his face, his long fingers were picking at the sleeves of his baggy hoodie.

“What?” Richard asked and partly let go of Christoph to look at their bassist. He had to rub his eyes to clear the tears out of his vision.

“I’m sorry we made you do all those things. It was fun and games at first, but it turned real nasty in the end. And we should’ve noticed. We should’ve stopped…” Olli looked briefly down on the floor and then back to Richard. “I’m as much to blame as everybody else. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.”

Richard nodded and gave Oliver a small smile. He didn’t say anything back.

With Olli’s words Christoph realized that he should apologize as well. He was guilty as much as everybody in the band for not putting a stop to it when he could. All he ever did was watch the show without a protest. It was disgusting and Christoph rightfully hated himself for it.

Oliver told them that if Richard needs anything, he’d be on his phone and then he left. The only other person in the room was Paul, who was pacing back and forth from one wall to the other while biting his already short nails.

“Paul?” Christoph called out to him.

The man jumped up and froze in place.

“Huh?” he looked at the two of them. His eyes were huge and startled.

“We’re going to leave,” Christoph begun. It was probably the best they could do at the point.

“Please, wait a minute,” Paul walked over to them swiftly. “I need to apologize.”

“Who doesn’t,” Richard snorted and shook his head.

“I mean it,” Paul insisted. “You’re one of my oldest friends, Richard. What we’ve talked you into cannot be apologized just like this,” he was shaking. “I don’t want to lose you, I-”

“Look, Paul…” Richard stopped him. “It wasn’t you who nearly killed me. But let’s talk about this some other time, okay?” his voice was quiet and hoarse from all the screaming.

Without another word Richard grabbed Christoph’s hand and led him out of the room, leaving desperate Paul behind. The drummer managed to look over his shoulder just before they left the room. Paul had collapsed on the floor, his whole body was shaking. Christoph wanted to stay behind with his friend, but the warm hand that was gripping his was suddenly stronger than all his resolves.

They were heading to their shared room, Christoph assumed. It was just couple doors down from Paul’s.

When the door closed behind them it was with an undeniable feeling of heaviness. Like the iron curtain all over again. Except this time Richard wasn’t running away alone. Christoph ran with him.

“I swear to god, if you bring up what just happened, I’m gonna kick you out,” Richard pointed a finger at him.

He was still wearing that arrogant mask of his. But it was slowly crumbling. The finger that was pointed towards Christoph was shaking. In fact, Richard’s whole frame was still shaking with the leftover adrenalin.

His blue eyes had gone soft in the privacy of their room. The mask was falling. Christoph walked to the guitarist and took his hands gently in his.

“How about we go out for a coffee then?” he offered.

Richard breathed out, his shoulders lost their previous tension. The touch had worked like a magic. The guitarist seemed to weight the options before he refused the offered coffee with a shake of head.

“I saw paparazzi lurking in front of the hotel this morning. You got hickies everywhere and I have beaten knuckles as a bonus,” he sighed.

Christoph looked down at Richard’s hands and noticed the scabs of blood here and there on his skin. It was barely noticeable, since Richard had probably wiped most of the blood into his black pants. Regardless, Christoph understood that Richard didn’t want to take any chances with the press.

Without another word the guitarist let go and headed straight to the hotel’s phone.

Christoph was content just to stand there and watch him. He studied his delicate features, the flattering way the afternoon sun lit his face. He was so _young_ in that moment. Christoph was so deep in it that he completely overheard what it was that Richard has been saying to the phone.

He blamed it on Richard’s white shirt. Because if there was something Richard looked better in than his usual black, it was white (no, Christoph was not including the baby pink dress or the red dress or any dress of the kind, since he didn’t need an inappropriate boner, thank you). The white contrasted well with his tanned skin. The deep V of his shirt showed just enough of skin for Christoph to get hot images flashing in his mind.

Richard noticed Christoph’s not so subtle checking out and put down the phone. He all but strutted towards Christoph, who was as clueless as ever. Richard was confident and radiant and Christoph’s knees felt weak under that intense gaze. Even if it was just for the show, he loved when Richard acted confident.

The smaller man looked at him with fire in his blue eyes. It burned high and bright. He walked all the way up to Christoph and gently pushed into his chest. The drummer followed suit and walked backwards until his calves hit the edge of the bed.

Richard gave him an amused smirk before he shoved him down.

The bed was soft and cool under Christoph.

Richard crawled over him, taking his sweet time. He kept looking Christoph straight in the eye, inching closer with a promise of physical proximity. The drummer rested his hands on the backs of Richard’s lower thighs, careful to do it lightly. He dragged his hands up over his ass to his waist and under the light material of his t-shirt. The skin he touched was soft and warm. Richard’s hips fit perfectly into his hands and Christoph imagined what it would be like if he got to hold onto them under an entirely different circumstance.

As if the man above him sensed the shift in his thoughts, he leaned down and connected their lips. Slow and soft, just so it could grow impatient and heated the next second. Christoph hummed contently into the kiss and tangled his fingers into Richard’s hair.

Richard’s lips fell open at the contact and it gave Christoph the opportunity to invade his mouth. The man above him keened and let Christoph deepen the kiss.

The wet heat of Richard’s mouth was enough for Christoph to tighten his grip on Richard’s hip. He guided the guitarist down, allowed him to sit on his lap. He loved having Richard there like that. His presence was solid and warm and it reminded him of that night on the bus.

Richard’s movements grew greedy. He bit down on Christoph’s bottom lip and used his short nails to scratch at his chest. The drummer moaned into the kiss and felt himself growing hard in his pants. Their kisses were hungry and the leftover adrenalin from earlier took place. It coursed through their veins like the sweetest drug. They needed to work it out. Feel the burning skin, bite it, taste it.

Just as Christoph was getting Richard’s shirt off, somebody knocked on the door.

“Hold that thought,” Richard breathed out and got up from the bed. He looked debauched. His hair was a mess, a pink blush was rising high on his cheeks. Lips swollen and shiny. The person at the other side of the door would get a clear message about what was going on in the room. Needless to say that Richard, being confident as always, didn’t bother with putting his shirt back on.

The guitarist returned with a silver tray in his hands. It looked like there was coffee and ice cream. He set it on the nightstand, while Christoph propped himself against the headboard. As soon as he did that, Richard straddled him with no shame and made himself comfortable.

“Ice cream, really?” Christoph looked at him. “I thought you didn’t like it?”

“I don’t, but I know you do.”

The only reason Richard didn’t fancy ice cream was because his body decided it wanted to store fat like crazy. That’s why he was always so uptight about what he was eating. Christoph couldn’t complain. Richard was still as hot to look at as he was twenty years ago. The only hypocritical habit Richard didn’t get rid of was smoking. And even if it worsened his aging, it still made the man hot. Richard knew that the way he smoked his fucking cigarettes was borderline _pornographic_. Christoph watched him enough times in his life to note that much.

The guitarist picked up the bowl of fancy looking ice cream and scooped a good spoonful. From the looks of it was mint chip flavor. He fed Christoph with it while the drummer rested his hands on the front of Richard’s thighs. Knowing there were no injuries he should be mindful of, Christoph let his fingers wander. He scraped gently with his nails; down Richard’s thighs and then back up to his hips.

The man above him was practically purring like a cat. Which was probably why the spoon in his hand was trembling so badly.

In short, Richard made a mess on his face.

The vanilla and mint chip ice cream were everywhere. The spoon shook even more when Richard giggled and the laughter resonated through his whole body. He had fun poking his friend with the spoon full of sticky sweetness and leaving stains everywhere.

“I swear, you are so goddamn corny, Richard,” Chris laughed.

Richard put the bowl aside for a moment, just so he could tangle his fingers into the hair at the top of Christoph’s head. He angled his face to his liking and lean in to lick all the mess from his chin. He bit down lightly at his jaw and Christoph exhaled through his nose. Richard was turning him on more than he should.

“You’re pretty dirty, Chris,” Richard breathed out and then attacked his lips.

The contrast of hot and cold was too much for the drummer. He straight up moaned into the kiss and squeezed Richard’s thighs. The kiss turned deep and sloppy. The ice cream still left on Christoph’s cheeks ended up on Richard as well.

“Speaking of dirty…” Christoph pulled away and chuckled when he saw that Richard was as much stained with the sticky mess as he was. He reached for some napkins and cleaned him up. “Your turn,” he took the ice cream and fed Richard through his protests.

“Schneider, you are corny!” he laughed.

“Remind me, please. Who started this?”

Richard opened his mouth to answer, which was a perfect opportunity to shove another spoonful of ice cream and chocolate topping in there. As soon as Christoph did it, he dragged Richard down and kissed him. Once he got Richard to open up his lips to him, it turned real cold and messy. The guitarist was protesting at first, but Christoph didn’t let him. Richard was his.

“You bastard!” Richard giggled as soon as they parted.

“Come back here, you taste so good,” Christoph pouted.

“Unbelievable,” he shook his head with a smile. Instead of listening to Christoph’s request, Richard took the coffee from the tray and reveled in the bitter taste of it.

“Oh no, you’ve got still a little bit here,” Christoph noticed the smudge of chocolate toping on Richard’s neck. How did it got there he had honestly no idea. But who was he to complain? He liked how convenient it was.

He sat more upright to get a better access to Richard’s neck. He took the coffee from his hands and put it away on the silver tray. It would only spill everywhere with what the drummer had in mind.

Wrapping one arm around Richard’s waist and the other behind his neck guaranteed him that the smaller man wouldn’t get away from him easily. And by the looks of it, Richard didn’t want to go anywhere anytime soon. Christoph smiled at how pliant Richard was.

He leaned in and licked a stripe up his neck.

Richard let him and tilted his head to the side to grant Christoph a better access. The drummer took it as a sign to continue. He placed one open-mouthed kiss on the column of Richard’s neck after the other. The man in his arms moaned sweetly. He tangled his fingers back into Christoph’s hair and tugged on them each time that the drummer did something extra pleasurable to his neck.

Christoph found himself craving more. The urge was almost unbearable. He needed to feel Richard’s skin. _Taste_ it.

He switched their positions, trapping Richard beneath him. The man’s lips curled into a wicked smile. He dragged Christoph into a dirty kiss and spread his legs further apart beneath him as an invitation. He was already hard for Christoph. When the drummer felt his excitement, he couldn’t hold back the moan.

Richard made a quick work of Christoph’s shirt and threw it somewhere over his head.

_Knock, knock, knock._

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Christoph growled. He wanted some alone time with Richard. Was that too much to ask?

The guitarist laughed and shoved at his chest. “Go open the door,” he told him.

Christoph sighed dramatically, got up from the bed and away from the willing body. Whoever it was that decided to interrupt their activities, Christoph was ready to murder them.

“Where did you throw my shirt?”

_Knock, knock._

“I’m coming, damn!” he yelled towards the door.

“Somewhere on the ground?” Richard was amused.

Christoph decided to fuck it and picked up Richard’s white shirt from earlier. It fit him perfectly. Maybe save for the fact it was a bit too tight over his shoulders.

“Yes?” Christoph opened the door. He did nothing to conceal his irritation.

“I just can’t do it anymore, okay? I can’t!” it was Paul.

He was obviously in distress. His eyes were red with tears and he was shaking all over.

“What happened?” Christoph’s eyes softened.

Paul threw himself at the drummer in a mess of flailing limbs. Christoph wrapped his arms slowly around the smaller man, who started to cry as soon as he could hide his face on Christoph’s chest.

The drummer stepped back into the room and cautiously kicked the door shut. Richard managed to find a clean shirt to put on in the meantime. He looked as startled as Christoph felt.

“I’m so sorry,… so so-rry,” Paul sobbed and clutched on the white fabric of Christoph’s shirt.

“I know,” Christoph rubbed his back.

He looked at Richard for help. The black haired man rolled his eyes but eventually he walked over to Paul.

“It’s so terrible what we’ve done,” Paul cried. It wasn’t getting any better.

“I’m not angry at you,” Richard said softly.

Paul’s eyes snapped up at him. He kept staring at the other guitarist with his mouth wide open.

“Paul, you never hurt me,” Richard sighed. He was slightly annoyed with Paul, but he didn’t want to be a complete dick to his friend. “You keep thinking that you’ve been hurting me every night, but that’s far from it. I did like it.”

There was a slight blush creeping up the back of Richard’s neck. It wasn’t easy to talk about these things sober, Christoph knew from experience.

“How could you like it? We called you names and and…” Paul croaked. His voice was threatening to break into crying again.

“Paul, come on,” Richard huffed out a laugh. “Stop being so naïve. I like those kinds of things in bed,” he admitted.

The smaller guitarist let go of Christoph, so he could look at Richard properly. As if he wanted to test whether he was lying or telling actual truth.

“Till was taking it too far lately. And he crowned it with… you know with what,” Richard threw his arms up with frustration. “But if you think you hurt me when you told me that I look good, you’re wrong.”

“But I’m still so sorry… You’re my friend, Risch. Even if you drive me crazy sometimes, this was way too far from being okay,” Paul rubbed the tears away from his eyes. He was so small in that giant room.

“The last time Paul, okay? I’m not mad at you. I know you would never go as far as that motherfucker…”

Paul nodded and looked down at the floor. He wasn’t going to cry anymore. Yet it was clear he still didn’t fully believe Richard and that he blamed himself for what had happened.

The room was tensed and Christoph wished this whole ordeal could be finally over.

“Why don’t you go buy some caramel candy to feel better?” Richard told Paul in a joke. There was smile creeping up into his voice.

Paul’s cheeks turned red as his eyes snapped up.

“You’re unbelievable, Kruspe,” he laughed and shook his head.

It was light-hearted and friendly. The atmosphere was suddenly back to normal and Christoph could release the breath he didn’t even register he was holding.

“And why the hell is Schneider wearing your shirt anyway?” Paul asked as he looked between the two of them.

“None of your business, Paulchen,” Christoph told him.

Richard inched to Christoph and wrapped his arm around his waist. “Actually…” he started and pressed himself against the drummer.

“I get it, I get it, no need for demonstrations,” Paul laughed and put his hands up. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

He gave them both a soft smile before he wished them fun and disappeared. Christoph was a little surprised by how easily he accepted everything.

He didn’t get much time to think about his friend, as Richard was now chest to chest close to him and sucked small bruises onto the base of his neck. His mind was clouded with lust, occasionally disturbed by a random thought.

How did they get here anyway?

Christoph was aware of his own feelings for quite some time. It was easy for him to comply and adjust to Richard’s own rhythm. He cherished every moment they were close as it came to him like a second nature. But it never occurred to him how suddenly it all happened.

_Am I taking advantage of the state he’s in?_

Christoph gently guided Richard away from his neck. He took his head in his hands, thumbs gently caressing his jaw. Richard’s mouth was shiny and slightly open, his breathing coming out ragged. He was beautiful when his eyes were dark with lust. Christoph tilted his head slightly to the side and connected their lips in a gentle kiss.

It was just a brush of skin on skin. Warm and fleeting. Richard sighed contently and relaxed, his body melting against Christoph’s. Their mouths met again, this time the touch was just a tad longer. It was like a first kiss. Shy and careful and full of longing. Nothing like the desperate kisses from before.

Christoph tangled his fingers in Richard’s hair and rested his other hand on Richard’s neck. The guitarist succumbed to his ministrations and waited patiently for whatever the drummer wanted to give him. His body was humming with anticipation. Richard was warm and soft and so alive in his arms.

When their lips met for the third time, they fit together like a piece of puzzle. It was a languid dance of tongues and lips with occasional sighs of pleasure.

It took them a good couple of minutes to part. And when they did, neither of them spoke.

They rested their foreheads together, stupid smiles plastered all over their faces. Both their breaths came out short and fast.

Christoph couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that our boys still need to work out that leftover adrenalin. What do you guys think? :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dearest, most patient and amazing readers, I'm back! 
> 
> I'm so sorry it took me ages, but I kind of underestimated my bachelor's thesis... some of you probably know what it's like :D Anyway, here's another chapter, please enjoy! <3

“He’ll be fine,” Flake had said to them over breakfast the next morning. “They gave him enough tranquillizers to put down a horse,” he added with a shake of his head.

It wasn’t unusual for their singer to miss breakfast, but the events of the past 24 hours still hung between them like a dark cloud. It made them all hyper-aware of the exact reason behind Till’s absence.

“And? What was the damage?” Olli asked, digging into a stack of pancakes.

“His old injuries were renewed, from what I picked up. They had to do something about that loosened tooth.”

“The same one Zoran fucked up?” Paul chimed in. He was curious at this point and so was the rest of the band.

“Probably,” Flake shrugged and sipped from his cup of black coffee. “But he’ll be alright, he just needs to sleep it off.”

“That’s good to hear,” Oliver said quietly. As if he was scared that saying it any louder could raise a reaction out of Richard.

Everyone walked around Richard on the tips of their toes ever since the initial incident. The ice beneath their feet was thin and fragile and it got even worse after yesterday when the two had gone into a fight.

What Oliver said, however quietly, did raise a reaction out of Richard. Even if he couldn’t see it from where he was sitting on the opposite side of the table.

Richard had one of his hand casually under the table, fingers entwined with Christoph’s. They didn’t sit too close to each other, but close enough that they could feel the body heat radiating from each other. Christoph kept brushing his thumb over the soft skin of the back of Richard’s hand, both of their arms resting on Christoph’s thigh.

When Olli spoke, Richard’s hand tightened around Christoph’s. The drummer wanted to lean in and whisper something to Richard’s ear, but he knew everyone was hyperaware of Richard’s presence as it was. He didn’t need to drag any more attention to him.

“See you guys at the bus,” Flake was the first one done with his breakfast. He stood up and without another word left to finish packing.

“I need to go clean up as well,” Paul sighed.

“You better do. You left the room in a state of chaos I haven’t seen since 1997,” Oliver replied calmly.

Richard chuckled and hid his smile behind a cup of coffee. It was too late, because Paul had noticed and kicked him under the table.

“Not cool, all of you,” Paul pouted.

It only caused the rest of them to laugh out loud.

After Flake and Paul left, Olli made a quick excuse and left the two alone. Richard leaned just the tiniest bit into Christoph and the drummer found himself doing the exact same thing. They knew it was in place to be careful. Nobody should see them too close. They learned the hard way that you could never know who was lurking behind the corners, waiting for the right moment to snap an _appropriate_ picture.

“How do you feel about the travel?” Christoph asked to the silence.

Richard was quiet for a while, but didn’t scoot away from the heat radiating from Christoph’s body.

“I don’t know,” he admitted after a while. “I know that the anger isn’t completely gone. But I think I can manage just fine.”

“That’s good,” Christoph nodded and sipped on Richard’s coffee. An old habit he picked up god knows how long ago. “You think that it’s ever going to be good again between all of us?”

He didn’t even know who he was asking at this point. He’d be a fool to believe it that they could function like nothing ever happened. Each and every one of their huge fights might’ve made them stronger as a band, but it also left a bitter aftertaste every time. Christoph could still taste some of it at the back of his throat.

“Who knows? I wish there was something, but I’m afraid that what Till had done… I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to forgive him,” Richard’s voice cracked at the end.

Christoph put a hand on his thigh and squeezed. Richard looked up at him, eyes vacant. The drummer felt something twist painfully in his stomach. The look on Richard’s face only reminded him of the awful experience. Christoph didn’t want to think too much about it, but he wondered how it really felt for Richard. He supposed it was bordering on a line of rape and attempted murder. At least from the looks of it and as far as Christoph could remember.

And for all that Richard still held it together.

“It’s okay, you know?” Christoph talked to him in a soft voice, so nobody but Richard could hear. “Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here for you.”

“I know,” Richard looked down and half-smiled.

They finished their breakfast and went to their room to finish packing their things. Christoph’s head was blank and felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Not unlike the mornings after their obscene drinking outbursts, but it was still like a dull ache that only time could wash away.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?” the drummer turned around only to have armful of one very enthusiastic Richard. He smiled and sneaked his arms over Richard’s hips. “What is it?” he asked softly as he brushed his thumbs into the fabric of Richard’s shirt. The smaller man clutched his hands in the fabric of Christoph’s sweater and refused to meet his eyes.

Without another word, Richard leaned up and brushed his lips over the exposed skin of Christoph’s neck.

Whatever it was that Christoph wanted to pack into his suitcase went forgotten. How could he push Richard away now? He was all warm and pliant in his arms, kissing up his neck and jaw in a way that made Christoph feel all jittery.

“You know we don’t have much time,” he reminded Richard while he squeezed his hips firmly in his hands. It was both a silent _Yes, I want you_ and _No, we can’t._

“I know,” the smaller man admitted, but did little to stop the small kisses littering Christoph’s neck.

“I’m two kisses away from throwing you on the bed, Richard,” Christoph warned.

“Only two?” Richard batted his eyelashes sweetly and licked his lips.

Christoph squeezed his hips again and Richard’s grin grew wider. He knew very well what he was doing to Christoph’s self-restraint.

The guitarist licked a lazy stripe up Christoph’s neck and nuzzled to the soft skin just below his ear. He was unfairly cuddly and smelled like Christoph’s shampoo and aftershave. The drummer felt a warm sprout of possessiveness course through his body.

“You didn’t cuddle with me this morning,” Richard pouted.

Christoph let out a soft laugh and let his hands travel over his friend’s back, warm and wide.

“We overslept,” he reminded him. “And now the others are waiting for us to finish packing.”

“Always the responsible one,” Richard rolled his eyes, but did nothing to let go of Christoph. “Five more minutes, okay?” his voice was small and who was Christoph to deny him a little bit of cuddling?

“Five more minutes,” he nodded and threaded his fingers through Richard’s hair. It was soft, almost silky beneath his fingertips. He liked it when Richard didn’t style his hair, it always felt so good to play with.

But every good thing had to come to an end and even they had to part eventually.

As predicted, the rest of the band was already piled in the bus, waiting for Richard and Christoph to board on as well.

* * *

 

They were nearing the point of the tour where it was time for a break. Two weeks of delicious solitude Christoph couldn’t wait for. But it was also weighting him down in a way. He didn’t know how he should approach the subject with Richard. For the first time since they knew each other, he was clueless as of how he should talk to him.

Their friendship slash relationship went surprisingly well. The band was still tense, mostly because Richard and Till haven’t resolved their conflict yet, but they were almost back to normal. Till tried to apologize, at least twice, but he was always shot down by Richard the moment he opened his mouth.

Christoph needed to know where he stood with Richard. The more time they spent alone, cuddling or making out, he doubted there was more to it. Richard just needed a substitute for the constant hookups, right? And Christoph was someone he could trust to do it for him. He was the safe choice. Which was the only reasonable explanation Christoph could come up with.

He thought it was just his own wishful thinking anyway – the years of his idiotic crush taking its toll on him. And every morning he woke up with Richard curled in his arms, he simply pushed the thoughts away and boxed them away for later. He was already too deep into it to push Richard away.

They could have this together. Even if it was just for the rest of the tour. Even if it was just an excuse. Richard was his. Here and now.

Finally, three days before their break, Christoph found the courage to speak to Richard. They were lying in the bed after yet another show, exhausted and happy.

“So… what are your plans for the break?” he asked.

Richard buried his face further into Christoph’s neck and sighed. “I don’t know. Haven’t given it a though, really,” he mumbled.

“You could come over, you know… if you wanted,” Christoph offered and hoped that Richard couldn’t feel how frantically his heart was beating.

He mentally braced himself for rejection, realizing that he and Richard didn’t have any labels on their relationship. At this point, they only slept in the same bed, cuddled and occasionally made out. Nothing more and nothing less. It would be naïve to think Richard was in for this for the _feelings._

“Mmmm,” Richard hummed and tightened his hand that was resting on Christoph’s hip. “I’d love that,” he sighed contently.

A wave of relief washed over Christoph and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Good.”

They fell asleep after that and for the first time in weeks Christoph felt like they were on a good track. He often wondered whether the lack of sexual things between them was because Richard was still being cautious after what happened with Till. Or whether it was because he told Richard right at the beginning he doesn’t want to take advantage of him.

Whatever remorse Christoph had, it was washed away by the sleep and following mess of another show. Their truck with stage costumes was held at the borders for no apparent reason and it almost didn’t make it on time. The whole band was antsy and crawling with anticipation. They could always throw on something silly and call it an extra, but it was a low blow for their fans. They all agreed on that one. The only exception for throwing extras was the last show of the tour.

* * *

 

Before they knew it, the break was there.

Christoph found himself at his new apartment in Berlin. He had moved shortly before he left for the tour, the old place wasn’t quite doing it for him anymore. After years of living with his friends and all over the place, he thought he’d be over some stupid “vibe” or “feeling” of the place, but he wasn’t.

He found out the hard way that he wasn’t above paying ridiculous amounts of money for a loft in the old industrial part of Berlin. _That bad, huh?_ he told himself when he made the money transfer.

Christoph liked to think of himself as a simple guy. All he needed was a bed, bookshelf, coffee maker and a nice spot to set up his drum set. Everything else was kind of a bonus. But the thing with the old place was that it was, well, _boring_ , as Paul called it. Even after years living in it Christoph hardly felt comfortable in there. It was time to move on and start over.

The loft was still bare when he returned for the tour break.

Unpacked boxes piling in the enormous space, looking small and pathetic. The pink Hello Kitty drum kit was there as well. It was definitely Paul’s doing, Christoph thought and smiled. He was already planning on donating the drum kit to some organization for kids in need. They’d appreciate it much more than he ever would.

Not really feeling like nestling in the new place, Christoph threw his jacket over the couch that was still wrapped up in plastic and went to make himself a coffee.

“Fuck,” he cursed when he saw that the kitchen was completely stripped. He forgot that he was barely in the loft ever since he bought it.

All of sudden he wished he could have Richard by his side. His presence alone would make everything better, even the shitty kitchen with no appliances or food.

The drummer sighed and put his arms on the marble countertop, leaning against it. When he allowed himself to close his eyes, all those vivid images flooded his mind like a hot wave.

> He had Richard’s hips in his arms, the smaller man was cooking them dinner and was concentrating on cutting the ingredients that Christoph kept sampling the whole time.
> 
> “Christoph!” Richard laughed when he nuzzled his neck and pressed himself to Richard’s back.
> 
> Christoph sneaked his arms around Richard’s waist and watched the man cook.
> 
> “What? I’m not doing anything,” the drummer replied easily, the words soft and quiet. The loft was empty and silent, save for the two of them.
> 
> “You’re distracting me!” Richard pouted. Christoph could see the tips of his ears burning. He could bet that his cheeks were tinted as well. Christoph knew a challenge when he saw one.
> 
> He brushed his lips behind Richard’s ear, leaving lazy kisses down to the collar of his shirt while simultaneously tightening his grip on Richard’s hips. He spun the smaller man around and watched as a lazy smile spread across his lips.

Yeah, no, he shouldn’t let himself imagine things like these.

What they shared on the tour, it was for the sake of the state Richard was in. That was what Christoph kept telling himself, so the pieces fell together more comfortably. It explained a lot. Why was Richard always near him, why they shared bed on most nights and why he was so awfully cuddly the whole time.

He just needed someone to lean on. Someone to help him process what happened. He needed to feel safe.

Christoph knew very little about working out sexual assaults, but he was determined to help Richard in every way possible. And if it meant that Richard needed him by his side for reassurance and safety? Christoph was down with that. Even if it mean he’d get hurt in the process.

As Christoph sulked in his kitchen, he dumbly realized it’s been a couple days and Richard hadn’t reached out to him. It sucked.

He kept walking through his new place, mostly for the kicks of it. One of his ex-girlfriends always bugged him about “feeling up the place”, which at the time was rather annoying, but now he could see why she insisted on it so much. It was nice to just wander around and imagine what the place would look like with all his personal belongings.

Which was what he should’ve done the first time he’d been here with his reality agent, but whatever.

The unpacked boxes didn’t bother him the least bit, he’d unpack them like most of his tour baggage – just take out the things he needs, one at a time, until the whole pile is gone.

Christoph ended up ordering from a vegetarian restaurant that made take-outs and just chilled on the still wrapped couch. Well, at least he didn’t need to worry about the sauce getting on the fabric of the couch, right? He almost high-fived himself, but then a better idea crossed his mind. He started dialing Paul, because god knows Paul would be thrilled to hear his newest invention of couch-protection.

He was a second ring in when he heard the doorbell. Thinking it was the delivery boy, he didn’t think twice about opening up the door.

“Uh, hi,” he blurted when he’s met with Richard’s blue stare.

“Hi,” Richard gave him a half-smile and stuffed his hands further into his coat.

Christoph gave up on calling Paul and instead gestured for Richard to walk in.

“Huh, I see you got lived in.”

“Yeah, doing my best,” Christoph replied in the same sarcastic manner. “Sorry for the mess, by the way, I just moved in,” he still felt like he should explain, even if he knew Richard didn’t care. They knew each other better than that.

“Hope you at least got some wine glasses. Or do we have to drink this expensive shit from the bottle like the barbarians we are?” Richard chuckled and raised a bottle of red wine he brought with him.

Christoph bit his lower lip and finally allowed himself to take Richard in. He was clean-shaved, his hair nicely styled. He wore his most flattering clothes and he smelled like a definition of lust. He almost looked like he came for a _date_.

“Let me check,” Christoph disappeared back in the kitchen and rummaged through the empty cupboards. _Well, that settles it then._ He returned just in time for another doorbell.

“Just wait a second,” Christoph threw him an apologetic look and paid for the take-out. He thanked himself he was thoughtful enough to order more food than he was about to eat.

“Great, I was just about to ask if we’re going to order, or…”

“I got it covered,” Christoph nodded and gestured for Richard to sit down. “But the dishes and glasses are still packed, so we might want to remember the good old days?” he wasn’t sure it would offend Richard. The man could still be pretty touchy about his standards.

“Don’t see anything wrong with that,” the younger man laughed and made himself comfortable on the sofa.

They ate in comfortable silence, occasionally talking about mandatory things like the weather in Berlin or the terrible public transport they didn’t even take anymore, but whatever.

“What made you move out anyway?” Richard asked as he rummaged through some of the unpacked boxes. He was determined to find them decent glasses for the sake of the occasion.

“I guess I just needed the change, is all,” Christoph shrugged. He couldn’t help the way his eyes automatically traveled over Richard’s back and then down to the plush swell of his ass.

“Here, I knew you had them,” Richard straightened back up holding two nice glasses.

Christoph’s heart swelled with warmth for no apparent reason, but at the moment it was right. It was like it belonged – the two of them, right there in an empty loft on the Berlin’s outskirts. He smiled and lead Richard to the kitchen, hand splayed wide on the small of his back, guiding him.

The wine was nicely chilled and strong. Richard liked treating himself with expensive alcohol and Christoph didn’t mind when he was dragged along into it. He preferred rose wine over the red, but he wasn’t complaining. As long as it tasted good and Richard was by his side.

They made themselves a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the fireplace. Because of course Christoph’s loft had a fireplace now.

“To us?” Richard looked up.

“To us,” Christoph smiled and clicked their glasses together.

For a moment it was just them, the cracking of fire and endless warmth. The wine burned good and deep and Christoph felt the blush that was starting to rise high on his cheeks. It was just the matter of time until they’d both get that pleasant buzz going on, laughing at pointless things and feel free.

“I miss that constant sleepover situation we used to have,” Richard sighed. He put down his glass and laid his head down on Christoph’s lap. The drummer was surprised for a split second, but then he went along and threaded his fingers through the silky hair.

“You mean after the wall came down and you returned?”

“Yeah,” Richard looked down at his hands and then back up at Christoph.

“It was insane. We drank _so_ much,” Christoph shook his head. Richard giggled in his lap and stretched like a cat. The warmth of the fire seeped into their clothes and skin and it was almost better than laying out on the sun in the early summer.

“We had nothing to worry about. No wives, no kids… My biggest worry was whether I had enough cigarettes to go through the next day.”

“And you never even once dropped that habit,” Christoph poked him in the ribs.

“Same with your annoying drumming,” Richard pushed back. “You were always stealing pens and shit to make drumsticks out of it and then annoy the rest of us,” he sat up and took his forgotten glass.

“Don’t forget about Paul and his habit of borrowing clothes.”

“Yeah. About _that,_ ” Richard turned to face him and downed the rest of the wine. “How come he can wear your sweaters and shirts?” he pursed his lips and Christoph resisted grinning back. Richard was adorable like that, always a child at heart.

“He never asks me to borrow my stuff, you know?” Christoph reminded him. “However…” he paused and brushed his fingers over the back of Richard’s hand. “I think you’d look much better in my clothes.”

Richard’s eyes snapped up. They were much darker than just a minute ago. Christoph had to bite his lower lip to shut up about it.

“You think I’d look good in your clothes?”

Christoph thought he was endearing. His whole insides melted at that soft, almost shy look on his face.

“Yeah, I think you would,” Christoph nodded.

He didn’t miss the way Richard slowly inched towards him. The air between them was suddenly hot and thick. Christoph _wanted_. Wanted so badly to lean in the rest of the way and taste the wine off of Richard’s lips. He had to be obvious with his looks, because Richard had that playful smile on his lips, head tilted to the side.

“How about we finish the bottle first?” he suggested and Christoph found himself nodding along.

His mind was fogged, he couldn’t think clearly. The wine was suspiciously stronger than Christoph anticipated, feeling almost as if he was drugged. He knew it was impossible, Richard didn’t need to give him anything for this kind of activity.

Even through the welcoming buzz of alcohol coursing through his veins, Christoph felt the first prickles of annoyance.

He didn’t want to be drunk for this.

If Richard came to spend a date night with him, he wanted to think clearly and make sure he could make the right decisions. The idea that he could hurt Richard the same way Till did twisted his insides and made him nauseous.

“Why are you here anyway?” Christoph found himself asking when they had their re-fill of wine and the bottle was finally empty.

Richard shrugged and played with the soft blanket he was sitting on.

“I wanted to spend a nice evening with my oldest friend. Is that bad?” he looked up. There was a challenge in his eyes and Christoph knew better than to pick on it.

“I’m flattered, actually,” Christoph chuckled and sipped on the wine. He admired Richard’s taste.

“Good.”

They fell into a silence again, one that was nice and soft. Richard shuffled a tiny bit closer and Christoph pretended that he didn’t notice any of it. He wanted to see where this game was going.

“I was thinking,” Richard started and Christoph encouraged him with a hum of his voice. “We could use the free time we have. Go somewhere and relax,” he put his head on Christoph’s shoulder and practically cuddled to his side.

Christoph wrapped his free hand around his waist to hold him close. The minute he pressed his fingers into Richard’s side, the smaller man relaxed and melted into the touch. It surprised Christoph, since he didn’t realize how tense Richard was next to him. He rubbed soothing circles with his thumb into the flesh of Richard’s side and enjoyed when the younger man next to him exhaled in relief.

“Where would you like to go?”

“Someplace lonely. No people,” the answer came back quiet.

Richard nuzzled into Christoph’s neck and it made him tighten the arm he had around Richard’s waist a little more. He felt surge of possessiveness and he blamed the ridiculously romantic atmosphere for it.

“Like a cottage in the middle of nowhere?”

“Mmhmm,” Richard hummed contently. “Nobody else, just the two of us. For a week.”

Richard brushed his lips over the skin under Christoph’s ear, sending jolts of electricity down his spine.

“Schwarzwald, then?”

“Yes, please,” Richard was eager, but still relaxed and pliant in Christoph’s arms.

“I better start packing, then,” the drummer joked, but it laid flat in the silence.

“You won’t need much clothing around me,” Richard breathed hotly against his neck. And okay, _about that_.

“And here I was thinking you wanted to steal my clothes from me?” Christoph teased back. He tried to mask how much the idea of the alone time with Richard excited him.

“Alright, you can bring some clothes,” Richard chuckled against his skin.

Christoph turned his head and kissed the top of Richard’s head. If he could have him alone in the woods for a week, he’d be a fool not to take his chances. Maybe they could resolve whatever barrier was still in between them. Christoph was dying to know how far he could push his fooling with Richard without ruining himself emotionally in the process.

“Where’s your laptop?” Richard looked up, his eyelashes impossibly long and black.

Christoph swallowed, reminding himself this wasn’t the time to fuck around.

“I’ll get it,” he let go of Richard and fetched his notebook. He supposed they’d look for someplace to stay for that deserved week of alone time.

“So Schwarzwald it is?”

Richard smiled when Christoph returned and took his spot next to him. “I half-expected you to pick a tropical destination,” Richard mused.

“Why? I know you love flashing your abs in front of other people and all that, but you know I don’t,” Christoph poked him in his side and Richard squealed adorably. “Now you’ll have to flash your sexy body in front of me.”

Richard punched Christoph in the arm and shuffled as close as he physically could. He was still giggling under his breath and trying to be mad at the same time.

“You know me so well, Schneider,” he sighed and pressed a chaste kiss against his tendon. Christoph suppressed the shudder, but was sure that Richard picked up on it anyway.

Yeah, he definitely did. If the suddenly filthy and open-mouthed kisses on the column of his neck were anything to go by.

Richard was making all these noises as if he was the one receiving the attention. He nipped and suckled along all the sensitive places and Christoph could barely see through the haze of lust shielding his vision.

His breath quickened and he began to sweat. Suddenly the room was on fire and Richard’s lips burned like a brand where they touched the hyper-sensitive skin.

Richard seemed to know the effect he had on Christoph, dragging his arms over his chest and pushing his fingers into his hair, tugging ever so lightly.

Christoph went willingly and let Richard to push him down on the floor.

He placed his palm on Richard’s jaw and guided his mouth where he wanted it, their lips meeting in a lazy, languid kiss. The drummer helped Richard to straddle him, the weight atop of him suddenly reassuring and grounding.

Richard opened up for Christoph’s tongue to slide in. He tasted like alcohol and cigarettes and Christoph caught himself needing more of that. He bit down on Richard’s plush bottom lip and swallowed down the whine that the smaller man let out.

He flipped them over, effectively trapping Richard beneath his body. His eyes went dark, mouth slack and shiny with spit from their kissing. Christoph dived right in, meeting Richard’s lips with a sloppy kiss that made him groan at the back of his throat.

“Please, Christoph,” Richard whined and pushed his hips up to meet his. He was already hard and Christoph had to take a deep breath to calm down.

Richard noticed, the little shit, and raked his nails over his back, under the shirt, sending more shivers and electricity through his body. He licked the shell of Christoph’s ear and made a soft, pleading noise. “I want you to fuck me,” he keened high and desperate. “Take me,” the breathless pleas continued. “You know you want to. Leave your marks all over me for everybody to see,” Richard licked over his neck. He was pushing all of Christoph’s buttons and he did it well.

Christoph balled his hands into fists next to Richard’s head, feeling his own resolve crumble. He was achingly hard in his pants and so was Richard, who kept rubbing his groin on his thigh, creating a delicious, heated friction. Richard used the moment to switch their positions, so he could grind mercilessly on Christoph and take control. It knocked the wind out of his lungs. It burned _so_ good.

“Don’t you want everyone to see what you do with me?” Richard whispered in his softest voice and Christoph had to shut his eyes tightly. “I saw you looking, you know,” he bit down on Christoph’s jaw lightly, scraped his teeth in this agonizingly slow fashion.

He breathed hotly over Christoph’s cheek and pushed his hips down. “I know you want to take, Christoph. And it’s okay, I want you to,” Richard mumbled, low and lewd and needy in Christoph’s ear. “Claim me.”

That was _it_.

The final straw snapped and Christoph found himself surging forward, putting Richard into his place beneath him. He took his wrists and pinned them to the floor with too much strength. There would be definitely bruises later.

Their lips clashed together in a mess of teeth and too much force, but neither of them cared. Richard groaned at the way Christoph bit down on his lower lip. He was completely at his mercy.

Christoph thumbed on his wrists while he bit down on the skin of Richard’s neck, marking him. “That’s it,” he purred with a sharp smile tugging at his lips.

They made out for what seemed like minutes, Christoph couldn’t get enough of the way Richard’s body was so responsive underneath his. Reacting to every touch and kiss like an exposed wire. But he didn’t want to go full way quite yet. The urge to _fuck_ and _take_ was there, crawling under his skin to the point where it scared him how strong it was. He needed to resist. Take things slow.

Their kisses slowed down and turned into languid movements of mouths and tongue. Lips swollen and red and _oh_ … there was definitely a reddish scrape of Christoph’s stubble on Richard’s chin.

“You look good like this,” Christoph commented and brushed away Richard’s hair.

“Why do you keep putting this off?”

“What?”

“Why do you keep putting this off? Isn’t it clear that I want you?” Richard pushed himself up on his elbows.

Christoph blinked at him, their noses almost bumping together. There was no way he could play it out like a joke or something. Richard was looking expectantly at him, obviously a little pissed because Christoph didn’t want to continue in their activities.

“Can we… it’s the wine,” Christoph looked down. He got off of Richard and sat next to him, head buried in his arms. “I’m afraid that after what happened I could hurt you,” he admitted.

Ever since that incident it kept Christoph on his toes. He had felt that animalistic urge to _take_ and alcohol only fueled it further. Having Richard vulnerable and willing wasn’t good. Christoph knew he probably wouldn’t hurt him, but Till had probably thought the same thing. And he snapped.

“But you want me, right?” the voice that echoed through the empty room was quiet and broken.

Christoph hated himself for causing Richard to sound so small. He picked him up in his arms and let him curl against his chest.

“I want you. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting very close to the end, stay tuned! ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are very much welcome. I love hearing what you guys think! ;)  
> You can also talk to me [here](https://tangercookie.tumblr.com/)!


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